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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 29/05/2023 11:25

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

It’s not too late. He’s changed the terms of the arrangement. As for expecting you to lay down the ground rules re. his daughter coming in drunk, so that he can be blood Disney dad - I would find it really hard to respect him.

takealettermsjones · 29/05/2023 11:25

Well, it's never too late for starters.

How does your DC feel about someone in their room every other week?

It sounds a little bit like DP and his DD are steamrollering over what you and your DC want.

GCAcademic · 29/05/2023 11:26

bloody Disney dad

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 29/05/2023 11:28

Of course it’s not too late. Keep you and your kids home to yourselves and date the boyfriend without the drudgery and steamrollery of moving him in to your kids home.

LisaD1 · 29/05/2023 11:31

It’s not too late. You risk your relationship with your son as your DP is too wet to stop his adult child taking the piss.

This would be non negotiable for me, it’s you DC’s room, whether he’s in it or not.

CeciliaMars · 29/05/2023 11:32

When you say she is an adult, how old do you mean? If she's 18, then I would expect her to want to stay at her Dad's sometimes, but if she's in her 20s, I wouldn't really expect to have her stay much at all. I would also expect that she sleep on a sofa bed rather than having your DC's room. I think it's a massive invasion on space for him to have a random adult woman in his room every time he's away.

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/05/2023 11:33

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

I agree with this.

Aprilx · 29/05/2023 11:33

I would pull the plug on him moving in based on these events.

Is his daughter of post university age or is she just 18 / 19 say? If the latter, then I can understand why he might want room for her in his home, but the solution is not your child’s bedroom, the solution is that the two of you combine for a larger property.

olympicsrock · 29/05/2023 11:33

I think this is easy. Just say no. She can stay as an occasional guest , visit during the day etc. DP can take her for lunch. No need to do anymore. At this point it is YOUR home.

This is a red flag for DP moving in. He is already throwing his weight around.

MumToTooManyBoys · 29/05/2023 11:33

I really think he shouldn't move in. This ain't going to end well.
Adult DSD can visit. Not stay over it's not am Airbnb
Put a stop to all this nonsense now - wow

firsttimemum1230 · 29/05/2023 11:34

I wouldn’t want my step adult child in my child’s room no way and I’d want my child to feel comfortable and safe knowing that no one will be going into their safe personal space while not there to protect it etc

pinkyredrose · 29/05/2023 11:34

Tell your fells it's your DCs room and put a lock on the door. Why does his daughter want to stay rather than be at home, do you like in an area she likes ?

MumToTooManyBoys · 29/05/2023 11:34

Huge huge huge invasion of privacy. Imagine knowing your bedroom is being used for very other weekend you are away.x just no

JulieHoney · 29/05/2023 11:35

“This is DC’s room, not a spare room for anyone to use. We don’t have a spare bedroom. If your daughter wants to stay sometimes we’ll need a sofa bed.”

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 29/05/2023 11:36

Absolutely not! Your teen DC is entitled to his privacy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 11:36

Delay him moving in. Tell him this is a very important issue, you’re not in alignment about it and need time to really make a solid agreement.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/05/2023 11:36

GCAcademic · 29/05/2023 11:26

bloody Disney dad

bit much

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:36

CeciliaMars · 29/05/2023 11:32

When you say she is an adult, how old do you mean? If she's 18, then I would expect her to want to stay at her Dad's sometimes, but if she's in her 20s, I wouldn't really expect to have her stay much at all. I would also expect that she sleep on a sofa bed rather than having your DC's room. I think it's a massive invasion on space for him to have a random adult woman in his room every time he's away.

Early 20's

OP posts:
ErmentrudeTheCow · 29/05/2023 11:36

How does your DC feel about someone in their room every other week?

This^
It's not your room or your DP's room to give away. You need your child's consent for this. You're moving someone into the house permanently and then moving some into DC's room!
Just say sorry that's not going to work, we'll just all stay as we are for the time being.

AnneElliott · 29/05/2023 11:36

Does DSD stay EOW with her dad in the place he currently lives in? If not, why would she want to start doing it now?

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/05/2023 11:37

This seems mental. She’s an adult, your DC is not.

I would HATE someone sleeping in my room every other weekend and not getting a say in it - sorry just sounds absurd.

Hillrunning · 29/05/2023 11:38

Surely the sumplenresponse is, I ran it past teen DC, it's a no.

HellonHeels · 29/05/2023 11:38

Do your future self a favour and don't let him move in. This isnt going to work out

strawberriesarenot · 29/05/2023 11:39

Is this the arrangement that she has previously had with her father at his place?