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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 29/05/2023 12:06

What’s happened to the house deposit money?

Thepossibility · 29/05/2023 12:07

My parents were pretty shit but even they wouldn't have dared put let someone have my room while I was away. No chance!

2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:07

WHOA!

Now you know why letting DP move in is going to be a gigantic mistake; he's started dictating already.

Tell him'

  1. Don't unpack yet.
  2. This is my house, your daughter will NOT decide when or where she sleeps here and neither will you.
  3. Tell your daughter the above or I will.
Clementinesucks · 29/05/2023 12:07

Well are you one of these women who prioritises their partner over their child or not?

If not, tell him not to move in.

Its a massive red flag that he’s spreading stamping all over your boundaries.

MenoRageisReal · 29/05/2023 12:07

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

Yes this.

I'd find it very hard to respect a man who does a 180 and then expects ME to do the dirty work of "setting rules". What a wet lettuce he sounds. Can't be at least own his own back tracking. Urgh.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 12:07

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

THIS. 100%. He cant change the goal posts on the eve of moving in and if he does, you have every right to say NO. I would. Its not a young child, they are an adult. If you go ahead with this, they probably will be rolling in at 3am and then this will cause massive fights. No.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:08

FloofCloud · 29/05/2023 12:01

Fuck that! Just because he can't say no or doesn't mean she's looked what she wants - will she stay in your partner house once he leaves or her mums?

She is moving into her mums. The rented shared house is no more.

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 29/05/2023 12:08

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:44

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

Show quote history

Why on earth are you bringing this chaos and mayhem into your and dc's lives? He is a coward and is now making his nightmare of a daughter your problem. Why on earth would you knowingly bring this into your home which is your children's sanctuary?

His daughter has basically hounded her father out of his own home. Don't allow this into your and dc home. They'll make your life hell. He will never deal with her behaviour. Your dc may never forgive you.

Don't let him move in. If the relationship ends because of that, that tells you everything really.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 12:09

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:44

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

Show quote history

This isnt going to magically change just because its in a different location! Geez no way.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/05/2023 12:10

Don't let him move in. He needs to sort his life out first, not move in with you to resolve his housing problems and escape his daughter by making you responsible for managing her. Don't let him make his problems your problems.

Stripedbag101 · 29/05/2023 12:10

So he is moving in with you to escape his daughter who is now stating she wants your child’s bedroom to be her crash pad every other weekend.

as a teen I would hate this - a smelly smoker /drinker sleeping in my bed. Just gross.

say no. Please. Say no to the daughter and say no to the dad. They have no respect for your child or for you

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:11

Charley50 · 29/05/2023 12:04

OP, you said in your first post that DSD lived with mum, then later that she lived with dad?

Anyway, of course your DS shouldn't give up his room for her EOW, especially with her smoking and slovenliness.

Maybe he shouldn't move in at all. If he does she can only visit but not stay over, or he can buy a sofa bed if he wants her to stay occasionally.

Lived with Dad and is now going back to live with Mum.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 29/05/2023 12:11

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

Well, with a personal reference like that OF COURSE you'd welcome her right in to your place. NOT!!!

FGS, cancel your solicitors co-habit agreement ; I'm guessing that was DP's idea too? Do NOT let this man move in.

Silvers11 · 29/05/2023 12:11

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

@Sampron20 If this isn't a wind-up, Please call this off right now!! All that is going to happen is that all the drama etc is going to finish up in YOUR home. He has obviously enabled his daughter to behave like she does and once he has moved in with you he'll end up wanting her to stay over all the time. It doesn't say much about his parenting skills either. Please, please, just tell him that the move is off right now: he's tying to run away from dealing with his daughter and it will be a disaster for your own DC if he moves in

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:12

Bunce1 · 29/05/2023 12:06

What’s happened to the house deposit money?

I genuinely have no idea?!

OP posts:
willingtolearn · 29/05/2023 12:12

Your priority list:

  1. Your child
  2. You
  3. Your relationship with this man
  4. Your relationship with this man's daughter

You are putting priority 4 above 1

He should not move in. Your child's personal private space should remain that.

His actions here would make me end the relationship altogether as he is demonstrating no respect for you, your child or your home.

newwings · 29/05/2023 12:12

There's no spare room simple. A couch is fine for occasional visits. Your DP is obviously being guilt tripped and wants/ needs you to be the baddy.

Rockschooldropout · 29/05/2023 12:12

100 times no ! Your dp seems to be using you as a convenient escape route from an issue he clearly doesn’t have the back bone to deal with
Please put your DS first , it’s unacceptable that DSD gets to use his room as a crash pad every other weekend ..Would you have been happy with that at your age ?
Id put money too on it being a ruse to actually having dad moving in permanently .. and then where will she sleep ? Who will be “laying down the law “ and expected to respond to those late night lift requests …. put the brakes on .. now!

CabernetSauvignon · 29/05/2023 12:12

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

It's way too late for your partner to change the basic terms of the arrangement, particularly given the information you've supplied about his daughter's appalling treatment of her previous home. Tell him it simply is not going to happen, full stop, and if he doesn't agree the whole arrangement is off.

Rockschooldropout · 29/05/2023 12:13

DSD not dad

Riverlee · 29/05/2023 12:13

if she wants to visit, then don’t make it comfortable for her. She sleeps on the sofa or blow-up mattress in the lounge. Your dc’s bedroom is His bedroom, not a guest room.

secondly, it concerns me that he wants to move in because he can’t cope with his daughter. As others have said, he’s running away. I see a potential cocklodger on the horizon.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/05/2023 12:13

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:44

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

Show quote history

Can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want her to stay over 🫤

Remember - When he moves in this shit becomes your problem too because he clearly can’t implement boundaries. He’s running from the problem but seemingly taking it with him. Fuck that.

Thighlengthboots · 29/05/2023 12:13

Sounds to me like he cant emotionally handle her and so he is transferring the responsibility to YOU as he can then ascribe responsibility to you by saying "hey, these arent my rules, they are sampron's rules" and then guess what? you get to be the bad guy and all the drama and conflict will be aimed at you instead of him. He sounds like a wet lettuce of a man and he is dragging you into this chaos to get out of dealing with it himself. Dont let him do that as it will be you who gets the brunt of her wrath when she starts rebelling against your reasonable rules/requests. This wont end well. At all.

CannotDoThisAnymore · 29/05/2023 12:14

HellonHeels · 29/05/2023 11:38

Do your future self a favour and don't let him move in. This isnt going to work out

cant help thinking this is the best advice

Takenoprisoner · 29/05/2023 12:14

Stripedbag101 · 29/05/2023 12:10

So he is moving in with you to escape his daughter who is now stating she wants your child’s bedroom to be her crash pad every other weekend.

as a teen I would hate this - a smelly smoker /drinker sleeping in my bed. Just gross.

say no. Please. Say no to the daughter and say no to the dad. They have no respect for your child or for you

It won't be every other weekend in practice. Will end up being more and more regular because she knows her father will put up with her behaviour and by extension so will the op and her dc.

Please don't do this to your dc. They don't deserve it. It's not too late. Even if he had moved in it would not he too late to ask him to move out. Prioritise your dc.