Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

I assume you’re taking the piss now.

YANBU and it is not too late to stop this arrangement. If DP's DD is there the weekends your DC is not then you will also have no time together and this alone will destroy the relationship. His U-turn is a warning about the relationship with his DD, too - she seems to get whatever she wants and if that clashes with your needs/wishes this will cause problems.

Agree with most of above comments. Your original plan was for him to move in with you (presumably to have more quality time together?) not for his adult daughter to move in also, thereby intruding on your time together & possibly upsetting your son in the process.
Your partner sounds a bit weak by not wishing to be ‘the bad guyI’ in refusing his daughter’s request & by having the cheek to suggest YOU lay down ground rules with her, not him! Call off the move for now, citing his insensitivity to your needs & the privacy of your son. Hopefully, he will quickly realise how badly he messed up, and may later on suggest moving in again under the original sensible terms - but don’t be pressured/rushed into it until you’re sure he ‘gets it’. Good luck 🍀 👍🏻

Absolutely this!

Will he be giving her a key to YOUR home?

I really hope we haven't scared off the OP.

Will OP post
Just wondering what happens when it gets to the weekend

I suspect it's not so much "scared off" as doesn't want to say he's actually moved in, considering what 99% of the posts have said

TBF it wouldn't be easy to do that, but no doubt OP will be back in future - probably with a namechange - when reality starts to bite

I would seriously not let him move in until AFTER the solicitor’s appointment. He might refuse to sign. But you know him better.

You were looking forward to living with your boyfriend. All the bases had been covered and as consenting adults you had agreed certain boundaries ….I can only guess at how much anxiety you are now feeling. So let’s go back to first principles. You and he wanted to live together. You own a property and you have a dependent child. He rents a property and his child is an adult living elsewhere. Aside from sorting out the £ issues….there really wasn’t anything else to spoil the move UNTIL at the 59 minute of the last hour…..
My sister had a tremendous phrase which she often invokes when I’m troubled by another person’s antics ….’’x is telling you who he/she is and you should listen’’. She isn’t being smart or arsey she’s reminding me of a basic truth…when someone does something which takes you by surprise or horror, that person is telling you who they are. In this case your partner is telling you (knowing that you’re a nice person and won’t say ‘all bets are off’) that his adult daughter’s idiotic air BNB arrangements/pissy dinner need somewhere to crash …. will be indulged by Dad. Parents don’t indulge they parent.
Now what do you do about it? Of course he has left it so late that the removal van is at your door, and you’re a decent person so you’re not going to render him homeless. What you must do (to give this relationship ANY prospect of success) is hold firm. If he had asked you honestly and I’m good faith about his adult child dossing down every other weekend in your sons bedroom proposal ….you would have said ‘that’s not a reasonable request and it’s not going to happen’. That basic principle hasn’t changed. So stick to your guns and ask him to be a parent. Parenting is about doing for your child those things which they cannot and should not be expected to do…ENABLING is doing for your child the things they should do for themselves. I wish you luck. Clearly you’re a kind decent person l. He needs a tremendous kick up the arse and to set an example. No wonder his daughter is so manipulative….whilst darling Dad doesn’t realize it ….so is he.

I can't believe people are suggesting buying a sofa bed as though she's a child coming to stay for arranged visits, she's an ADULT. Who here has a sofa bed so people can just stop by anytime they like and stay over? Not many I suspect. Stop suggesting a sofa bed for a 20something grown woman.

OP doesn't have a spare room. A sofabed sounds like the best solution to me.
We put people much older tha 20 on our sofabed when the alternative is them not staying over.

I'm nearly 40 and will use a sofa bed, if needed. The OP has a two bedroom home, where else would a guest sleep? The bath? A pop up tent?

There’s nothing wrong with the DD visiting or stopping for the odd night, but not as regularly as being proposed, and only with the intention to visit the OP and her partner.

however the current proposal sounds more like it’s a convenience thing for the DD.

OP still not returned then?

It's not about her age. I mean don't give her a place to sleep at all, she doesn't need to be staying and there is no room. She doesn't live that far away from them so no need for a sofabed.

Yes, I have read her posts. As of the 29th she hasn't said that. He was moving in that day and she hadn't talked to him since he said they should give it a try so unless op has posted since the 29th and updated us then no she hasn't mentioned it.

What I'm saying is she needs to speak up and tell him no that is not going to happen. Sound to me he's told her that's whats happening. She needs to put her foot down now before he thinks he's the boss of the house.

Hey op, how are things going?

I totally agree with this. Stay strong and tell him thanks but no thanks.

Alas l don't think OP is returning. She's probably to tired from sleeping on the lounge floor whilst DSD has her bed....

It is not too late, he has not yet moved in.

I agree with you, the girl is an adult and doesn't need to have a room at her dad's. She could probably stay occasionally as long as your child doesn't mind her using the bedroom but not every other week, that's like a shared custody arrangement and she is far too old for that.

In your place, I'd see it as a red flag and stop the move before you find yourself overtaken. You don't have to share a house to have a relationship and some people are better living apart. Familiarity can soon breed contempt.

Where is your teen in all this?! Do they get a say, it's his room! I can't believe you'd even contemplate this and think this a decision for your 'd'p rather than your son, whose room has been put up without his consent. Imagine divorcing, going through custody arrangements, owning your home, only to allow another man to walk in and shit all over your/yours kids boundaries.

The man moved in last weekend, so yes it is too late. Chaos will probably ensue as no contracts signed and last minute changing of plans regarding the daughter.

I hope @Sampron20 you have found some clarity and then are able to find the resolve in yourself to do what you need to do in your own time for you and your DS.

Your instincts are 1000% correct and you need to stand for your boundaries.

I think it’s more though than the antics of the DD and your DP nonsense relationship and parenting of her - I think this incident just confirms what you already knew in your gut - that the character of this man is flawed and not compatible with your family’s needs right now.

OP, how does your DP get on with his other DC?