Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

No way. Don't let him move in. Regardless of the issues you mentioned (and the fact that he's trying to make them your problem), no stepchild in their 20's needs to stay at dad's when they have another home.

Fuck that, do not let this ridiculous man move in. Protect your son from the mayhem which will absolutely happen. Your son is your priority.

Where is she going to live now if he is moving in with you?

No I would lock the room. If she ever did stay then she is on the sofa. Can he not encourage her into a bedsit or something?

I’m feeling the love here though, that he’s moving into yours because you both want to be together… wait, oh no - it’s cos it’s more convenient than parenting his child.
And for THAT you’re adding another person into your child’s home?
And I mean him not his daughter.
Don’t make your child’s home his because he can’t adult.

No-your priority is your DS not this drama. Your relationship with your own child will never recover otherwise.

It’s in the OP.

With this additional information, it's a NO; NOT A CHANCE.
Surely you need to see that it would only be transferring the issues. He needs to deal with her, if she's living in his home. Is he essentially handing his home over to her now?

None of this makes sense OP.

I think your partner is using you as a way to leave his less than ideal circumstances with his daughter, but is feeling guilty about it so is accepting her demand to stay.

Why can he move out? Is it her place? Why doesn't he have somewhere of his own? If it's his place again, why is he moving out?

I'd put a halt on him moving in because he's starting to take the piss with this, so it all needs a rethink.

1st that is your childs bedroom they won't want someone in there. And certainly not someone who will go through their stuff, mess it up, and potentially bring a complete stranger in there.

I don't think you should move in with DP right now. It will not be good for you. You need to think of your DC and how unsettling all of this will be.

So he was too much of a coward to put down some rules whilst he was living with her and now wants you to put down the rules to her.
I can't imagine your DC would be happy for this to go ahead.
Is the dad going to launder and change the sheets after every visit?
Is her dad going to be able to insist she does this?
I don't think it's too late at all. You tell him you can't see how things are going to work when he backtracks on one of the very first issues to arise between you. You carry on living separately as you were.

The OP says she goes to her mum's every other weekend, and lives with her dad. But if he's moving out whose abode was it in the first place?

No way would l allow anyone to sleep in my child's room. That's their personal space.

If she stays it's in the lounge or you give up your room.

Fuck that! Just because he can't say no or doesn't mean she's looked what she wants - will she stay in your partner house once he leaves or her mums?

Good god OP i thought he was a CF in you OP,but having read your update...
Not a fuckin chance! He/ they are taking the piss out of you. Do not get caught up in the drama.

Massive drip feed there op!

Your partner needs support in establishing firm boundaries with his Dd. The answer is no. Not occasionally, regularly or any other time!

Has anyone told her why he’s moving out? I think a very honest and frank conversation needs to be had where the rules are laid out.

If your partner cannot manage this then delay the moving in date.

@Sampron20 so your partner has chosen to run away from the problem he has at home with the child that lives with him rather than try and resolve the issues.

and when he runs away to your house… he wants you to allow her to stay at your home in your child’s personal space and for you to set and enforce the ground rules.

no. Just no. This man does not get to share your home and opt out of adulting/parenting his problem child. Sounds more like his lack of willpower and spine is the reason his child walks all over him in the first place.

Is he essentially handing his home over to her now?

It was a rented place. Only rented short term until she went to Uni. But she decided not to go, sat around another 12 months with no job. Then a variety more dramas preventing any change.

She now has a job and he then offered a deposit for her to buy a house. She put offer in, offer accepted and then she pulled out. They were back to square one, still in the rented place which was only a short term solution until uni, now three years down the road.

I wouldn't be having her in the house, let alone in my son's room.

That's what i asked, albeit with some typo's!

OP, you said in your first post that DSD lived with mum, then later that she lived with dad?

Anyway, of course your DS shouldn't give up his room for her EOW, especially with her smoking and slovenliness.

Maybe he shouldn't move in at all. If he does she can only visit but not stay over, or he can buy a sofa bed if he wants her to stay occasionally.

WTAF.... and you are happy to inflict this on your childs only space!!!

No bloody way would l allow this in my own home

Decide who is your priority - DP or DC and act accordingly

1. It's not too late to stop the whole moving in thing
2. It's your DS's bedroom - his private space
3. Even if he back pedals now I'd be worried he'd work on DS to get him to agree
4. DP's DD clearly has no respect for him, so safe to assume she'll have no respect for you and your home.

In summary hard NO to the both of them from me

You have far bigger fish to fry than your DSD staying in the room. He is running away from her... do not allow that problem to be brought to your door!

I wouldn't be surprised if DSD plans to move in permanently and this is her way of edging in