Guest every other weekend

[Sampron20]

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

It’s not too late.
Don’t be so pathetic. Stand up for your child if you won’t stand up for yourself! My children and one of my stepchildren would hate this. Absolutely hate it. And they’re all relaxed about occasional room swapping for genuine guests. But someone else taking over their space? Nope.

Your boyfriend’s useless. Not only on this pisstaking backtrack but on the fact it looks he’s happy for mum to provide adult child with a home, but can’t be arsed to take his own steps to do the same. Not suggesting he pay out his share to have a 3 bed place, is he?

Why does his daughter want to stay rather than be at home,

This is simple. Don’t move him in. Put this off for now until he gets it that this ISNT going to happen and your dc room is not and. Ever will be a guest room.

this bodes poorly for your relationship I’m afraid. He’s taking the piss and taking massive liberties and he’s not even moved in.

Nope. They can sleep on the sofa if they want to stay overnight.

Stand up for your child. The boyfriend ‘doesn’t want a fall out’ but demands your child lets an adult use their bedroom as a sleepover venue. The man is taking the piss and he hasn’t even got his feet in the door yet. ‘I can see this isn’t going to be good for any of us, let’s just keep things as they were.’

This is an excellent response.

Just wanted to add - Your husbands/partners/boyfriends/lovers come and go. Your kids are forever.

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

It's not too late - he needs to stay where he is if he can't respect your DC and their space.

Ok? Why do you want that in your kids home?

absolutely this op, he’s completely changed this because he thinks it’s at the point of no return. Please stand firm on your decision

I agree with this comment. It's your sons bedroom not the guest room.

Does his dd usually stay at his often/every other weekend?

Jesus Christ.
And you even need to post this?!!!!!!

Since your boyfriend is moving out because he can't cope with her, why would he want to import this into your home?

Well, in light of your most recent post, this would be a no for me. She can come for dinner, lunch, a visit, but no staying over.

He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD ...

Why is he trying to make that your job, when as the father it's his?

I'd worry that he's setting you up as the "unreasonable stepmother" and that you'll end up with a 2 against 1 situation, but if he's changing the rules you too can decide to change the agreement for him to move in

Who is going to clean up the fag ash, air your child’s room and wash the bedding before your child arrives home?

Don’t be such a fool 🤯🤨

Bloody hell. Get a lock for your child's door. It's their bedroom, in their home. It sounds like she'd be rifling through their belongings too. You don't want your child to resent it and ask to live with their father.

OP don't be a drip, you need to put your foot down here.

Do you not remember being a teenager? It's so important for them at that age to have their own little space! It's absolutely not fair to your child to have some slobby, disrespectful 20-something use their room like a bedsit twice a month. Based on your description of this young woman, she's not likely to respect your teen's things. Will probably rifle through their stuff and make a mess. Do you really want your teen to feel like they have no space of their own in their own fucking house?

I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to grow a spine and prioritise being a parent here, even if that means hitting the breaks on your partner moving in.

'Dp we need an important talk before we have issues
We arranged that you were moving in and you brought up dsd, you said x y and z. And I was very relieved tbh as I thought it would cause an issue.
I presume you've told her and she didn't like it, so you've come back to me and changed your mind.
This is unacceptable so we need to work out what happens going forward.
A, you don't move in
B you move in, dsd is welcome for bbq, dinner etc. but this is not a doss house for after she's been out. So no, I won't be allowing her in after a night out.
If this is a deal breaker, it's good we get this sorted now'

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more

Cross posted with this - and now he thinks he'll make it your problem instead??

He's got to be joking ...

Not a fucking chance

He's transferring the drama to you and your family. And it won't stop. She will be
smoking and going through your DC stuff. I would not have him move in. Sounds like it's all just in his interest.

Keep your home snd sanctuary for yourself. You've worked hard for it.
No man is worth this shit.

Even if you put your foot down over this and she only visits her dad, your home will be her new ash tray 🤷🏻‍♀️

And now he wants to dump this on you?
Great.

It's not too late. He's changed the ground rules. I would pause everything now. Sounds like a nightmare and not at all conducive to your DC's happiness.

Hs adult daughter sounds like a CF. Is he one too? Is this all about them getting their feet under your table? Be strong, OP.