Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
realityhack · 29/05/2023 12:27

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:26

This convo happened yesterday so not mentioned to my DC.

New leaf- not at all. If anything it's gotten worse.

Show quote history

So why are you even entertaining this? stop being so passive and start getting angry about this- he is the unreasonable one here- this will end up hurting your child.

toomuchlaundry · 29/05/2023 12:29

So he was originally moving in with you to get away from his daughter?

Coralsunset · 29/05/2023 12:29

Apologies, I misread and thought your DC was DD.

It is so important you put a boundary around this OP. Why does he have to move in?

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:29

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:27

Oh well that's ridiculous. She's early 20s and expects to move into your son's room when he is away at his dad's?

Bonkers.

No. She either visits for the day or her own dad pays for her to stay in an AirbNB or Premier Inn or drives her home (if she doesn't have a car.)

Does drive and will be living about 5 miles away. Not far at all.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 29/05/2023 12:29

I would only contemplate moving in together when all children have left home

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 12:29

The replies are interesting (and I do agree with them all). But when I posted something similar about 22yo SS wanting to come and stay part time post uni, I was mostly told that I was unreasonable.

Erdinger · 29/05/2023 12:31

Please don’t do this to your child, so not fair on them to have their personal space invaded. The DPs daughter sounds like a right nightmare. Just say no

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:31

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor

What is a co-hab agreement?

Surely you are not adding your partner to the house ownership when he is not paying towards your mortgage?

Why don't you both buy a place together, with 3 bedrooms, so his other adult child can stay?

Why does she need to see him every other weekend anyway? She's early 20s. Can't he meet her for lunch or supper on a weekday?

It makes no sense.

Mikimoto · 29/05/2023 12:31

If OP really does want DP to move in (as we hope), for the sake of peace, one idea is that she could try the first couple of visits, then slip in "DC not happy", whittle it down to one Saturday a month on sofa, etc. etc....

Of course, she could also say to DP "What the hell are you thinking?!"!!

I'm also guessing that either DSD has to "behave" with mum so will go wild at dad's, or that dad's new pad is in a more desirable (going-out) location, in which case DSD will go wild at dad's...

Woman2023 · 29/05/2023 12:31

Allowing this man to move in will be a disaster. He's lied to you about the rules he will set for his daughter. He shouldn't have given up the rental, tell him to get another one.

Els1e · 29/05/2023 12:31

It would be a firm no from me too.

OhComeOnFFS · 29/05/2023 12:32

I wouldn't put a drunk smelling of fags on my sofa!

Honestly, OP, you need to act fast and stop him moving in at all. You can see now how much you'll regret it.

IreneGoodnight · 29/05/2023 12:32

Even if DP reverts to his original opinion in order to get his feet under your table what's the likelihood of his daughter obtaining a duplicate of your house key and letting herself in & out at random until you change the locks? She sounds the type to take advantage and will hammer away at her dad's weak points to the detriment of you and your child.
Keep DP for date nights until 1) his daughter grows up in every sense and 2) he gets a backbone.

OhComeOnFFS · 29/05/2023 12:32

For most single mums it's such an achievement to have their own place - I wouldn't share with him or his family for anything.

Hidinginaonesie · 29/05/2023 12:33

Don’t be silly op, of course the answer is no. Absolutely not. No way.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:33

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:23

Lol this thread is like pulling teeth. 😂

so she’s lived with her dad, he’s decided to move in with you, she’s had to move in with her mum, and she wants to stay wit her dad, in his home, every other weekend,

so you need to decide, is it his home and can he treat it as such, or is it your home and he’s a paying guest,

She is not a child but an adult in early 20's

The intention was it to be our home, I do not see him as a paying lodger. The issue is there are only two bedrooms. It's a small place. Not big enough for three adults and a teen.

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 29/05/2023 12:34

realityhack · 29/05/2023 12:27

So why are you even entertaining this? stop being so passive and start getting angry about this- he is the unreasonable one here- this will end up hurting your child.

Show quote history

yes, quite, If you are assertive enough to get the legality sorted, why are you being such an absolute wimp in tackling this issue?

He is being incredibly wet with his daughter already, is asking you to put up and shut up AND he wants YOU to parent this overblown child because he can’t or won’t do it himself?
on top of this, he is stupid enough to broach the subject on the eve of moving in?

Definately don’t let him move in. Quite honestly, I’d be evaluating if a relationship at all was what I wanted with him, given the picture you’ve painted of him here

Inuno · 29/05/2023 12:34

Sounds like her dad, your DP needs to grow some and stop allowing her entitled selfish behaviour, in your shoes Op it would be a No from me, not in my house and definitely not in my sons room.
Good luck.

CornishGem1975 · 29/05/2023 12:34

Not too late. Just say no. A firm no. If your DP doesn't like that, then he's free to not move in.

TonTonMacoute · 29/05/2023 12:34

Guest!?

She wouldn’t be a guest, she would be a millstone

Nip this in the bud now and if that means bloke not moving in, so be it.

endofthelinefinally · 29/05/2023 12:34

No. Just say no. Keep your space and your privacy.You are being taken advantage of here and you will regret it.
Stop everything now. That will be so much easier than trying to undo all the legal stuff later.

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:34

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:31

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor

What is a co-hab agreement?

Surely you are not adding your partner to the house ownership when he is not paying towards your mortgage?

Why don't you both buy a place together, with 3 bedrooms, so his other adult child can stay?

Why does she need to see him every other weekend anyway? She's early 20s. Can't he meet her for lunch or supper on a weekday?

It makes no sense.

The co hab agreement sets out that I own the property and he has no claim on it, it's equity or any goods not jointly purchased.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/05/2023 12:35

Wow. Call off the move. These 2 sound like they just want free lodging! This is YOUR HOME and the your sons safe space.

No way should you be moving this man in! Does he take you for a fool? Why does his 20-something daughter even want to stay with her Dad EOW? Free accommodation by any chance?

I couldn't be with a man who was such a drip that he couldn't even say no to his ill mannered daughter. IF he moves in the rule is that his DD NEVER EVER stays in your sons room.

StrongTea · 29/05/2023 12:35

What if she brings someone back? You’d end up with 2 folk in your home. Think this is a big mistake.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:35

Does drive and will be living about 5 miles away. Not far at all.

Okay so she has no need to stay at all.

Why does she want to stay? Surely she isn't spending a Saturday evening with you and your partner?

This is a bunk house after she's been out drinking? Yes?

Forget it. She can drive or get a taxi back to her mum's.