Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guest every other weekend

780 replies

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:20

My DP is moving in. Been together for years.

Two bed place and my DC lives here and stays with Father every other weekend.

DP has adult children. A couple of weeks ago he mentioned how DSD was of the idea that when my DC was at dads, she was going to stay in DC's room. Every other weekend. DSD lives with her Mum. My DP said he did not want this to become a habit and he felt he needed her to understand that my teen DC's room was DC's personal space and not a bed sit for DSD. DP felt that DSD needed to understand that this was not a child custody arrangement as she is an adult now. He was concerned she was seeing it as a place to get her head down after nights out and to sleep off a hangover. I was very relieved with this as I had already anticipated this may have arisen and may have been a cause of relationship conflict.

For context, I own the property and am putting a co hab agreement in place with a solicitor.

DP is moving in this weekend. He has now backtracked and said if DSD wants to stay in DC's room every other weekend then he would like that to happen as he doesn't want a fall out. He says we should give it a go and see what happens. He then asked me to discuss ground rules with DSD and tell her she can't come in drunk in the early hours, not to bring people back etc. I don't think it's reasonable for me to even have to 1- set ground rules with an adult who is a guest in my home and 2- specify rules when she is not even my child.

I did say that I thought every other weekend was too much. We need some time together alone. This will put a stop to this. I reminded him what he said about my DC's room being DC's space and not a bed sit. Also, DSD is an adult. This is not a child custody arrangement. He has done a complete 180 on it. I can foresee many problems and a lot of stress.

I feel a bit uneasy now about the whole moving in thing but it's way too late. AIBU?

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/05/2023 12:14

This all sounds way too much like hard work. I'd call off your partner living with you, you don't have the space to accommodate his daughter.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 29/05/2023 12:15

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 29/05/2023 11:28

Of course it’s not too late. Keep you and your kids home to yourselves and date the boyfriend without the drudgery and steamrollery of moving him in to your kids home.

This.

Coralsunset · 29/05/2023 12:15

Your poor DD! No fucking way would I allow this.

You need to prioritise your DD and yourself over DP and adult DSD.

Time for big girls pants. You have to say no and mean it. If DP doesn’t agree, he doesn’t move in.

How dare they!!!???

Silvers11 · 29/05/2023 12:15

@Sampron20 I see he's already given up the rented accommodation. So you have 2 choices - tell him he needs to find somewhere else to rent right now OR he moves in but his daughter NEVER gets to stay over. You'll have to stick to that though as I can see him moaning about it until you give in

neilyoungismyhero · 29/05/2023 12:17

He can't cope with her behaviour which sounds horrendous - but expects you to. She's not looking for parent bonding time, she's looking for somewhere to doss and you're supposed to be the mug facilitating this. As other posters have said just don't do it. He's been renting let him continue with or without his disrespectful daughter. He can't control her how does he think you'll manage...

Lolaandbehold · 29/05/2023 12:17

In the words of Zammo, Just Say No.

That's your son's room. You need to have his back.
Tell BF that he tells his daughter that she can't stay (and be very clear with him) or he can't move in either.
Your son needs to be your priority here.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 29/05/2023 12:17

He's backtracked on Day 1, the weekend he's meant to be moving in.

Kill the whole moving in thing now. Seriously.

FOJN · 29/05/2023 12:18

I predict you'll let him move in, he will keep the pressure up for DSD to stay at weekends and you will agree. His daughter will bring all her bad habits to your home, making your life a misery and damaging your relationship with your own child.

Is that really what you want?

He's spineless but you don't have to copy him. Say no fucking way.

dammit88 · 29/05/2023 12:19

Given that she has a home now with her mum then I agree, this is hugely unfair on your DS and it would be a deal breaker for me.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 12:19

You need to cancel him moving in. Where he goes is not your problem. Sounds to me like he said what you wanted to hear to get his foot in the door. It's your DC's bedroom. Do not let her stay there when they are at their dads. That is such an invasion of thir privacy. Do not give in OP. Hes played a blinder.

BishopRock · 29/05/2023 12:20

Your partner needs to get a one bed place of his own. His daughter is an adult now and lives with her mum. This eow stuff is for children, time for that to change but not at your expense!!!

I repeat, he's using you to get away from his child, then feeling guilty. He doesn't respect your and your child's space at all.

tara66 · 29/05/2023 12:20

I may have missed it but you don't seem to mention your son's opinion of DSD using his bedroom and if she has not turned over a new leaf - she sound completely horrendous. DP is bring all this grief which he is so aware of to your door. Stop it, Does your son have his own room at his father's? You may find he will move there if he can.

maryberryslayers · 29/05/2023 12:20

Does your DC agree to someone sleeping in their bed and accessing their possessions when they are not there?

What's to say she won't leave a mess in their room? Who is going to be changing the sheets once she's gone? What's to stop her helping herself to anything she fancies given you've already said she goes through her dads things.

This would have horrified me as a teen. A bedroom is a personal space.

cordelia16 · 29/05/2023 12:22

WateryDoom · 29/05/2023 11:32

You say firmly "This is not what we agreed, and not what I want. We'll just give it a miss and continue as we are. It's far too complicated for you to move in and so the answer is No. We've been fine as we are for years. Let's keep it that way'.

This

If I were your DC I would be livid that you are going to allow (whether against your wishes or not) someone in my room while I was away. Don't disrespect your DC this way - tell your DP that the arrangement to move in now no longer suits you. Bec even if he says yeah okay my DC won't come, you can't guarantee that he won't chagne his mind again once he's there. And then you'll be more stuck than you think you are now.

Nevermind31 · 29/05/2023 12:22

I think your DS’s room should be just that. He shouldn’t have to get his room guest ready every other weekend, and have someone he doesn’t know in her space.
o am assuming DSD has a home.
of course she should be able to visit her father, but that doesn’t need to be every other weekend - plus she isn’t coming to visit, she is using you as a crash pad.
maybe suggest to DP that your place is too small for him to move in if DSD is coming with him. It’s already a lot of change for your DS without giving up his space

realityhack · 29/05/2023 12:22

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 12:19

You need to cancel him moving in. Where he goes is not your problem. Sounds to me like he said what you wanted to hear to get his foot in the door. It's your DC's bedroom. Do not let her stay there when they are at their dads. That is such an invasion of thir privacy. Do not give in OP. Hes played a blinder.

I agree. He hasnt back tracked, this was his plan all along. He knew you'd never agree to it if he was honest from the start so he left it until he thought you'd agree because of the time pressure.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:23

Lol this thread is like pulling teeth. 😂

so she’s lived with her dad, he’s decided to move in with you, she’s had to move in with her mum, and she wants to stay wit her dad, in his home, every other weekend,

so you need to decide, is it his home and can he treat it as such, or is it your home and he’s a paying guest,

Floofydawg · 29/05/2023 12:24

Littlethingsmeanalot · 29/05/2023 12:23

Lol this thread is like pulling teeth. 😂

so she’s lived with her dad, he’s decided to move in with you, she’s had to move in with her mum, and she wants to stay wit her dad, in his home, every other weekend,

so you need to decide, is it his home and can he treat it as such, or is it your home and he’s a paying guest,

She's not a child though, is she. And OP does not have to accommodate her if she doesn't want to.

Pinkdelight3 · 29/05/2023 12:24

Of course it's not too late for you to say no he can't move in. He's backtracked and completely changed the terms of him moving in to something untenable. And by doing so, he's shown how flaky he is such that even if he does another 180 now, you can't trust him not to crumble again at his DD's say so. This is your home and your DC's home. It's too precious to fuck with. Revert to not living together until his DD has sorted her own life out and this isn't a threat hanging over your equilibrium.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 29/05/2023 12:24

DSD lived with dad. He is moving out as he could not cope with her any more. She was making his life very stressful to the point where it thought he was going to have a breakdown. Not paying her way, strangers in the house all the time. Smoking in the house, going through his things. Asking for money constantly. Refusing to be clean and tidy to the point of filth. Lying around in bed all day. Calling him for lifts early hours of the morning in the weekends. Drama. Constant drama.

Bloody hell. Not a chance would she be staying at mine! Ask yourself why she didn't live with her mum anyway, did she get chucked out due to the same behaviour?

Think about your own child because that young woman doesn't sound like she'll change in a hurry.

HarrietJet · 29/05/2023 12:25

Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 11:36

Early 20's

Show quote history

Where does she live currently?

Original poster
Sampron20 · 29/05/2023 12:26

tara66 · 29/05/2023 12:20

I may have missed it but you don't seem to mention your son's opinion of DSD using his bedroom and if she has not turned over a new leaf - she sound completely horrendous. DP is bring all this grief which he is so aware of to your door. Stop it, Does your son have his own room at his father's? You may find he will move there if he can.

This convo happened yesterday so not mentioned to my DC.

New leaf- not at all. If anything it's gotten worse.

OP posts:
Redebs · 29/05/2023 12:26

No way should she even go into your child's room while s/he is away.
Put her on the sofa. Absolute no on smoking or coming in drunk.

Hellenabe · 29/05/2023 12:27

@Sampron20 honestly I'd hold fire on the moving in bit if you can. My ex did an about turn like this, and by the time they are in, it's so hard to change arrangements. Try and resolve this beforehand

DeliciouslyDecadent · 29/05/2023 12:27

Oh well that's ridiculous. She's early 20s and expects to move into your son's room when he is away at his dad's?

Bonkers.

No. She either visits for the day or her own dad pays for her to stay in an AirbNB or Premier Inn or drives her home (if she doesn't have a car.)

Swipe left for the next trending thread