I was 18, he was 31

[UptownFuckYouUp]

Married with children now. We initially met at work, although he wasn't in a position of power over me. I pursued the relationship and he turned me down multiple times due to my age before we started dating. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm wondering just how wrong our relationship is/was? Or does it not matter now all these years down the line? Does the fact that I pursued him make it ok?

So if you discover your soulmate is one month out then you call it a day? 😆

One of my first boyfriends was 30 when I met him and I had just turned 18, we dated for 6 months. Now I'm in my 40s I do wonder what I was thinking. Looking back I can see he was quite immature and probably smelled vulnerability off me, I can't imagine having stayed with him but understand that for others, that older person may well have been their soul mate.

You are probably of similar age to me and by the standards of our generation, it was considered thrilling to chase/be pursued by an older man as long as it wasn't done exploitatively or coercively. There were even songs about it in the charts.

My sisters and I were all living independantly at 18 (career reasons). No one blinked an eye at your situation in the 70's and 80's OP. I agree todays 18 yearolds are more sheltered however, at school, home, and work. If you are happy OP, and in an otherwise equal relationship, I can't see the problem.

I agree, there was nothing wrong with it; even if he did know you when you were younger, you were an adult when you had the relationship. It sounds as though he did everything above board.

Why are you worried now, did you not enjoy the relationship while it lasted?

Of course it was wrong !!
But....you were of age. You both consented

And you pursued him ..persistently!

So you can't now put blame on him ..

But the fact he gave in to an 18 year old. Is creepy. And gross. And would imply he was an immature manchild and had some damage done to him in his childhood id say...

Seems fine to me.

So much navel gazing.

Really?
I mean who needs to to get professional qualifications when you can just diagnose childhood trauma from a thread ?🙄

It's a bit weird but not unheard of.
My eldest child's father is 53, I'm 31. She's 13. That's weird IMO.

Tell me you don't understand predatory men without telling me you don't understand predatory men...

'The blame' by the way, is fully fucking his. He was in a position of trust ffs.

You were an adult so I don't see an issue here.

Wasn't there a post almost exactly the same as this yesterday?

If we go back several generations then we are ALL products of age gap relationships at some stage or another. Infact, by the modern definitions of underage, we all have some of that in our ancestry too.

You cannot cancel or condemn anything historic which you aren't comfortable with by today's standards which was acceptable by the standards of the day. Books, historical facts and figures, awards, whole religions. You have to accept that certain things were fully acceptable within their historic context and look forwards and evolve away from what you do not like.

Not a problem at all. My sister married at 19, he was 32. They’ve got three beautiful children, he’s an amazing uncle to my children. She was absolutely stunning! Tall, sexy and fun.

why are you trying to ruin the character of your husband btw?

why are you trying to ruin the character of your husband btw?

Valid question. If you are happy with him, why a thread to invite strangers on the Internet to judge him and your relationship?

OP literally said he was NOT in a position of power over her.

FFS there are some seriously mental people on here. She was 18, not 12!

If he was a predator surely he would have slept with her then binned her off for the next legal adult that he could seduce... sorry "groom" but now, they have been together for 12 years.

Honestly, thick as mince

Not at the time, but later on. You are aware now that you were groomed, so there must have been a revelation at some point for you. I don't think OP feels that way even now.

My brother in law left his wife of twenty odd years and his teenage kids and set up home with a woman in her late 20’s with a toddler and a two year old. His kids want nothing to do with him and he’s now parenting these two very young kids. My husband thinks he’s lost the plot, as do I. Every time my bil mentions anything cultural or musical she always pipes up “ who are they” and “I’ve never heard of that”. She’s incredibly immature and always looks likes she’s on a day out with her dad.

This.

I’m still really baffled that the OP has created this thread about her husband. Not about some creepy ex from years ago but her husband! That’s the weirdest thing about the whole situation, not the age gap!

Agree.

And I would not be happy if my schoolchild started dating a 31 year old.

I’ll be honest, is my brother or male friend was dating teenagers when in his 30s I’d tell him to take a long hard look at himself. And I’d think he was a bit of a nonce.

What the hell is wrong with someone that they’re emotionally compatible with an 18 year old at 32? Shouldn’t they have done some maturing?

Yea totally particularly when you put it like that – if it were my brother I’d feel embarrassed for him and a bit like 😬

Wouldn’t be a cool look, I’d find it a bit sad and wonder why he couldn’t get a woman his own age.

Schoolchild?
outside of the world of every body does A levels at a sixth form in a school in mumsnet land the Ip.said she was working as man 18 ear olds are or wull.be doing Apprenticeships ,or at college .

As many 18 year olds are. *

PS met MM when MM was 10. He met him again when MM was 15 and PS considerably older. Speculation is that MM was then groomed until they then starting properly dating when MM was 18. In the clip of MM drinking wine on a date with PS when MM was apparantly 18, MM looks about 14 (the YouTube clip where they were pranked). PS looks pretty old, and MM definitely seems v v young looking. Yes I judge PS in this situation. I also have my doubts about when the relationship actually started, was it younger than 18? PS was also in a position of significant power over his mentee/apprentice.

In the case of an 18yr old meeting a 30something at work and the two of them mutually connecting and forming a relationship, I have no judgement (assuming the 18yr old doesn't look 15 or 14, in which case you might wonder why an adult is attracted to a seemingly teenager). Where there is no power differential and all is consenting, it's not a problem IMO. That said, I can't guarantee I wouldn't have concerns if one of my children was dating a much older person, when they reach 18. So maybe I have some prejudice, rightly or wrongly.