I was 18, he was 31

[UptownFuckYouUp]

Married with children now. We initially met at work, although he wasn't in a position of power over me. I pursued the relationship and he turned me down multiple times due to my age before we started dating. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm wondering just how wrong our relationship is/was? Or does it not matter now all these years down the line? Does the fact that I pursued him make it ok?

Why?

I went out with someone who was 32 when I was 18. It has never bothered me and I never felt it was inappropriate. I felt very much like an adult. But - now I have dd aged 19 I have to say as her Mum I’d be horrified if she went out with someone that age, she seems so young! (And her step dad is 35 and he seems so old)! So I don’t know. But I certainly don’t beat myself up over it or worry about it now.

You were both consenting adults at the time, you only met when you were 18, it's not like he met you when you were a child and waited for you to be 'legal' or an adult, that would be different.

As long as you are both still happy, comfortable and in a respectful relationship/marriage it's all good. Don't let other people's opinions tarnish a relationship you've worked hard to build and formed your life around.

My step mum is 15 years younger than my dad, they were 40 and 55 when they met. No-one seems bothered by this, but if they had been 18 and 33 it would’ve been judged. I do think it’s a bit odd when I see it on paper but when I know them in reality it’s absolutely fine. So in short, I’m a bit on the fence.

Not necessarily wrong. Depends so much on the details of the individuals, their behaviour and the context. It think it is possible for an 18 year old and 31 year old to have sufficiently similar intelligence/maturity/power/interests/friends that the 31 year old isn't doing anything wrong. You don't give suggest he pressured you or misused his position. On the other hand, obviously something is now worrying you and making you feel there was something wrong about it. But the age gap itself doesn't automatically mean there is.

I dated a 42 year old from when I was 17/18 to just after my 21st. He behaved absolutely awfully. He was obsessive and jealous and used emotional blackmail. He made me think no-one else would ever love me and threatened to end his life when I tried to leave him. That would have been a bad relationship even if he was just a few years older than me. Though admittedly the chances of it being good at those ages were probably low!

I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 32, though I was 22 by the time we were dating. 30 years later I am 100% confident there was never anything wrong with that. It helped that we were part of the same social group as graduate students. I happened to be the youngest and he was the oldest but we were essentially at the same stage of life. Your relationship sounds like it was somewhere inbetween my two examples.

Strangers won't be able to answer this for you, no one knows either of you. You were happy at the time and you're happy now, that's all that matters

My 19 year old ds is currently in a relationship with a 30 year old mother of 3! I'm not happy about it, especially as she was pregnant with her 4th dc when they met (claims to have mc 3 days before they got together). He's still very much an immature teen, and his behaviour has changed for the worse since they got together. I'm hoping it won't last long.

I do not understand this thread. Why is it not ok?

Teenagers pursue adults a lot for relationships because they don't have realistic boundaries or expectations of a relationship. I guess it's about the character of the person being pursued. You know what the answer is if this is student tutor so why is it different with colleagues.

Ooops, I hadn't actually realised on the first read that you are still married to him! I thought you meant you were now married to someone else.

I don't think that particularly changes my first answer. And certainly if you are happily married to him now then that is the strongest evidence that there was nothing wrong with the relationship in the first place. Not unless you feel there is a problem.

Those who don't know why it's creepy af probably didn't get in any personal growth between 18 and 31.

Well, I mean, how would you feel dating an 18 year old now that you are 30?

Does it feel comfortable or slightly gross?

Except only one of us is basically troll hunting.

She was 18 with very little experience of life. He should have said no

I know that times have changed but I think it’s quite good that we’re now questioning 30+ men and women who go out with teenagers, and quite bad that we didn’t do so twenty years ago. Times have changed for the better. Not all will be predators but plenty will be.

Thank you for all the serious replies so far, both good and bad

How do.you know?

Ok 🙂🤷🏻

She was 18.

Hit the nail on the head there!!
I'm staggered by the amount of mollycoddling I read about on MN, parents babying adult offspring!!

I think we did 20 years ago!

This was 2003, not the 70s.

She was also.working ,you h have no.idea of her life experience or his for that matter.

The French in 1900 I believe. I think three a lot of sense in it.

I don't see a problem if you're still happy? I could easily have done this. I was always more mature at 18 than the guys around me and attracted to older men as a result. Does it make you unhappy?

I definitely think we keep parenting far longer than we used to. At 18/19 I was really self sufficient, working, managing my money, very streetwise and mixing with people of all ages and backgrounds. (I worked full time whilst doing my college work). My dd and her friends all seem more like I was at age 15/16 rather than the 20 year olds they are. That’s just my experience I realise but it does seem like a definite shift even by the many threads posted on Mumsnet about that age group. People seem to “parent” their young people until they’re about 25 now and it seems 25 is the new “becoming an adult” age.