I was 18, he was 31

[UptownFuckYouUp]

Married with children now. We initially met at work, although he wasn't in a position of power over me. I pursued the relationship and he turned me down multiple times due to my age before we started dating. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm wondering just how wrong our relationship is/was? Or does it not matter now all these years down the line? Does the fact that I pursued him make it ok?

My kids are the same, they think it's gross. They spout a lot of nonsense for young adults. I've one back living with me for the summer and it's amazing how they revert into being babies around me. The rest of the time it's about how wrong I am on everything because they know better as they are adults. One thing for certain, I'm always wrong.

The legal cut off is eighteen and you were eighteen. Imagine if everyone in an age gap relationship which started after they turned into an adult was influenced by media coverage of Schofield and started revising their feelings about their long term relationships?

When I read the title, that song came into my mind 'She was 31 I was 17'...who was it? 'When the sun rose I was a man...'

A 13 year age gap is not that common but hardly that unusual either - you were 18, not a child and from your op you knew what you wanted rather than the other way around. Yes we need to protect young people from predatory adults but at some point we also need to allow consenting adults to make their own choices. In the past 13 years between spouses wasn't uncommon as men went to war/built careers before settling down, but the emphasis on virginity meant young brides were preferable in upper class/middle classes, Dp's parents were 15 years apart, his grandparents 20, men older of course

When I was 18, I had a relationship with a man who was 31. I had a great time, he was a cracking shag, and he remained a supportive friend until we lost touch many years later and I don't regret a thing about it. We got engaged at one point, but had to keep it a secret because my dad was his boss and would have made his life miserable,

Recently, I googled his name and the only thing that came up was an award for gallantry in Afghanistan. He doesn't seem to have any SM (which fits exactly with what I know about him), but I wish he did because I would love to see him again.

OP, your relative ages don't make your relationship wrong or abusive. If you feel good about the relationship, then the likelihood is that it's fine. My husband is 22 years older than me, and when I got to the age I was when we married, I did wonder about what he saw in someone so much younger than him (because I couldn't imagine being attracted to a 20 year old man). Maybe some aspects of the situation weren't healthy, I don't know. But we made the best decisions for ourselves at that time. Since we've been married for 30 years now, and are likely to remain married until one of us dies, it doesn't seem like we did such a bad job of choosing each other.

I was absolutely head over heels for a 32 year old man when I was 18. Nothing happened except a close mentorship/friendship, but if it had, at age 50 now, I still wouldn’t feel weird about it.
he was a gentle soul, and the power differential wasn’t huge, as he was very shy / late bloomer.

I think if you do not feel an imbalance in the power between you, it’s fine

Oh, this is getting me down now.

Stop it. Just stop.

It's not weird to have an older partner. Some cultures are set up like that. You don't marry your age-mates, you marry the next generation up, because they are in a better position to support a family.

When I was 22 I had a lovely affair with a man of 46. At 65 I remember him, fondly. He wasn't a pervert, he was a nice man who couldn't believe his luck. My most recent love-interest (just ended) is nineteen years younger than me which makes him... very neatly...46.

At fifteen or sixteen I'd have been happy to marry an older man and get on with my life but I was stuck in school because that's how we do it here, keeping young adults as children until their mid-twenties.

You people are the weird ones. Not every age-gap relationship is perverted.

And, what @Elior said.

I met a 30 year-old man at work when I was 18 and temping before university. Everyone - not least my parents - was horrified until they met him and then they loved him too. We were together for 8 years and he was and is a lovely man. We are both happily married to other people now. I did not miss out anything by being with him - on the contrary, I gained a lot from the relationship.

It’s gross. I judge the 24y going out with my friend’s 18y old. No way.

I wouldn't apply today's norms and values to your relationship. However, if you feel like you were exploited or groomed them maybe you could dicuss that in counselling so you can express those thoughts.

I was 21 when I dated a man older than my mum. He was in his mid 40s. We met in the pub. We were friends and then lovers. I genuinely lived him and moved in with him. I would have married him if he was prepared to have more children. He had a 10 and 12 year old. I still think fondly of him. He in no way exploited me. It was a very mutual relationship.

Imagine if it became an unwritten law that you could only date people of your age - not younger, not older? It would be so, so dull.

Same sort of thing, but with a sixteen year age gap. He was my graduate employer. It was shit-show, but entirely consensual, initiated by him asking me out. Our relationship ended after he impregnated another woman, and he told me to find another job! Basically a walking cautionary cliché 🤪

I’m now in the same age group he was and I do wonder. From my POV I guess I was flattered and naive (21) and came from an abusive household. I didn’t have the life experience or support to know it wasn’t very likely to be everlasting love. It’s clearly not a crime but in retrospect it was an epic mess waiting to happen. I know if the same thing happened now our professional body would want a stern word with him about his conduct. Happily, I doubt it would happen much now, perception of these sort of relationships has changed a lot.

I suspect had we stayed together like you OP, I’d have thought it was a wonderful love story between two people who were meant to be, after all, nobody got lied to or professionally disadvantaged and it worked out great in the end.

IMO an age gap isn’t automatically proof of future incompatibility or the younger partner being taken advantage of; I have a colleague who is twenty years happily married to her former driving instructor (he’s 25 years older!) If my late thirties pal came home with a a 21 y.o employee I wouldn’t necessarily assume they were a power-wielding creep but I’d wonder about the appeal. If they’d known the young person as a child I’d have much more grave concerns.

Eighteen is of adult age. You're not just over the age of consent at that age; you're of an age of legal autonomy and responsibility.

But context is everything. If this had been your schoolteacher who'd known you since the age of 11, your neighbour who had watched you grow up, your school mate's dad, your older babysitter from when you were a young child - you get the picture - there's something insidiously creepy and predatory about a man of that age striking up a relationship with an 18-year-old.

It's about the balance of power, and the propensity on the part of some males to abuse it.

My 18y is in the middle of her A Levels. If a 23 plus bloke expressed an interest in her, I would think he was odd and why couldn’t he find someone at his own life stage. Over 30 and I would definitely think he was a creep.

Yes!

You were 18, old enough to vote, die for your country, get a mortgage so im pretty sure you were also old enough to know if you liked someone or not.
And you are now married with children, so it obviously worked out well.

Obviously context is everything, if he had been your teacher and groomed you from a young age then it would be bad.
But two consenting adults.... come on.

My grandparents married as soon as my grandmother was 18. My grandfather was 32. They met through my grandmother’s aunt and GM would have been in her early teens when they first met. They have been very happily married for over 60 years.

Yes by current standards it’s morally questionable but my GF is a wonderful man, and certainly not a creep. Things are what they are. If you don’t feel it was problematic and you are happy together, I really wouldn’t waste time examining the past.

I think the power dynamic is the more important bit than the raw numbers. I met now DH at work, we were peers and colleagues (he wasn't senior to me) but we met when I was 17, started dating when I was 18 when he'd have been 25 so we broke the half +7 "rule".

We've been married nearly 17 years now. I don't feel there was anything creepy or predatory - he didn't have a history of dating younger women, we were just two colleagues who clicked.

My 36 year old boss who I had a brief fling with first was a very different matter.

My MIL married FIL when she was 18 and he was 32. She was too young and immature, however, by all accounts, she had a horrible father and just wanted to get out ASAP.
FIL is/was an awkward man (probably on the spectrum) and TBH probably would have had no chance with a grown woman.

They had a long marriage and 3DC. MIL died a few years ago at 65. I always felt she led a small life, burdened by DC too young & with a DH who didn't want to socialise which was a pity. I think if she had waited and worked out who she was and what she wanted, she would have had a totally different life.

I think if you truly weren't forced or coerced into it and you have been happy in your marriage, it's fine. Only you can really answer this question

Inn a world outside of mumsnet not all! 18 year,s will be doing Alevel,s some might be doing Apprenticeships ect and certainly when the Op.was dating ,she said she was working which wasn't uncommon just a few years ago.

If you're happy then let it go.

You were both consenting adults before any relationship began so it's fine. I'm curious, now your in your 30s would you consider a relationship with an 18 year old?

That's the thing about being groomed - you don't feel it.

It happened to me more than once.

I don’t think it was weird at all. I know 30 year olds who are immature and youthful and 18 year olds who are very serious and mature. I had a good friend who was 30 when I was 18. It wouldn’t have seemed at all weird if he dated someone my age. Age is just a number, in my opinion, as long as laws aren’t being broken and both parties are legally consenting adults. You also said yourself that you pursued him… it’s like you want people to say it’s not okay? But I’m not sure why? 🤔

good rule of thumb for dating younger is max half your age plus 7.

oops, I broke that one then. I was the older party. I'll get my coat.

ps: my grandmothers & my mom all got married at age 17. On wedding day, their husbands were .... 2x 19 almost 20, 24. Most or all of them courting for at least 2 years before wedding.