I was 18, he was 31

[UptownFuckYouUp]

Married with children now. We initially met at work, although he wasn't in a position of power over me. I pursued the relationship and he turned me down multiple times due to my age before we started dating. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm wondering just how wrong our relationship is/was? Or does it not matter now all these years down the line? Does the fact that I pursued him make it ok?

I don’t understand what your issue is at all. You were both over the age of consent and entered into a consensual relationship where no one was in a position of power over anyone else. I mean, what exactly is it you’re asking here?

Do you have children who are teens @UptownFuckYouUp ?

I had a brief relationship at 18 with a man of 40. At that time I didn’t see any harm with it. I was a sensible teen, people often commented I was old before my time so it didn’t seem like an odd “match”. Never thought badly of him for many years.

When my daughters turned 18 I realised they were sensible, mature girls, not exactly that - 18 year old girls. Since then I’ve seen the 40yo in a different light.

it’s a very common time to question old things.

I 100% agree

It's gross.

As long as neither party was being taken advantage of if at 18 a friend started seeing a 31 year old or now if a 31 year old friend started seeing an 18 year old there would definitely be some ribbing and I wouldn’t expect it to last. But I would happily be proven wrong if they went the distance.
When I was 18 I was asked out by a 40 year old, I’d met him a few times, he was a friend of a friend, nice enough bloke but I politely declined as he was the same age as my dad. Too weird for me.

A lot of posters who usually say it’s fine were the younger part of an age difference couple so are seeing it from that perspective.

But I think when you try to picture yourself being the 30-something dating an 18 year old it just feels utterly gross and creepy.

It’s also really normal question these things as you look back with more experience and knowledge. I find it weirder that people don’t self reflect on their experiences as they grow.

Half your age plus 7 is the limit. So for a 31 year old, that's 22 1/2, not 18.

The fact that OP pursued him instead of the other way round makes it a bit less inappropriate. But it's still a bit inappropriate. Not illegal, not something that he should be branded for for the rest of his life. Just something a bit inappropriate.

I was 21 and he was 29. Married 3 decades. Love at first sight and he moved in the first week. I was mature for my age and he was still figuring out how to grow up. I believe men are boys until at least mid twenties. Not always the case of course. Just a general observation. My 17 year old nephew is dating a 17 year old girl. Including sleeping together. My 18 year old niece dated a 17 year old in the year below her in school. He cheated on her, stalked her, moved to where she was in college and she had to leave. He wanted to be with her but still cheated. He lost out big time there.

21 and 29 is fine IMO.

This

I've never been out with anyone with an age difference of more than 4 but I also think that a mature, working 18-year-old woman can be just as mature as a 'young' 30-year old male. I mean in terms of personality, approach, outlook. Although looks don't really matter, again some 30-year-old men look much older and younger females can look much older than their years.

You're still together, you say you're happy and, unless he's still somehow showing an interest in young girls, I wouldn't worry about it. It's fine!

I had a liaison with a man of 34 when I was 19 in the mid 1990s. It was absolutely my call, totally consensual and very respectful. I may have been young but I knew my mind just as well then as I did now.

I am still loosely in touch with him (social media) and feel sad to think now he may think of the life enhancing times we shared with trepidation that I could come back and accuse him of something that it in no way was.

Someone asked whether he knew her as a child. In that context, the answer makes sense.

I do think the fact you pursued it rather than him makes it a lot less likely the relationship would be problematic. The issue, normally, is rooted in the older partner wanting someone who will be, for want of a better description, pliable, in order to be able to have a relationship in which the other partner is not an equal. If your DH wasn’t trying to get a pliable partner, is far less likely he would abuse his relative power to manipulate you.

But what do you think about your relationship, OP? Do you think it might have been a mistake? Do you see any of the issues that are frequently cited as problematic with large age gaps when one partner is so young at the start?

(E.g. Was there a power imbalance? Did he teach you to like what he liked without you having the opportunity to discover what you like outside of his boundaries? Has your life as a couple been dictated by his stage of life rather than yours?)

There are, of course, still all the issues around aging differently, retirement planning, loneliness in old age, etc. But these are differences that present planning challenges, not necessarily ethical ones. And those result from all sorts of differences. (But they do exist and it would be sensible to mindful of themselves. For instance, research shows that when people retire they almost never consider their spouse in a long term financial sense. Women are frequently left in poverty when they are older, in part because of this.)

So far all you've said is you are happily married/together for 12 years. With children. So what exactly is the question? What is it you are wondering about?

This. I dont understand the problem here? Unless there are concerns you have that you arent verbalising. If everything is fine why are you wondering about this?- makes me think there is something else you are concerned about

I don’t think this makes sense. For example shows a 45 year old with a 70 year old is within the norms of socially acceptable. I think this would attract a lots of local gossip.

I have mixed feelings, my grandparents had a 20 year age gap, they loved one another and had a long life together and my nan never seemed 20 years younger so it wasn’t until I was older that I learnt she had married my grandad when she was just a teenager and he was in his 30’s.

I don’t think I’d ever be comfortable with such a large age gap personally, mainly due to the different stages each person will be in, an 18 year old should be trying to find themselves, travelling, studying, having fun not settling down with a fully grown adult who has had so much more life experience, it just doesn’t sit right with me BUT other people’s life choices don’t affect me and surely if you are happy and there’s no abuse and you feel equal to your partner then surely it shouldn’t matter?

Meh, you were both adults and there was no power disparity. Generally speaking, if large age gaps (e.g. 10+ years) were problematic we would be pointing fingers at most Hollywood marriages - but we don’t. Nobody bats an eye at Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, or Jay-z and Beyoncé, or George and Amal Clooney. If you’re happy you’re happy. If not, is it possible you’re looking at the age gap as a reason to exit from the relationship?

For those asking - I have no idea what I want from this thread. Just thinking out loud, sorry.

It's not the age gap that is the issue, it's whether the older party knew the younger party as a child and/or whether the older party was/is in a position of authority. This doesn't seem to be the case here OP.

I went to uni with someone aged 18 who was in a relationship with her teacher who was nearing 40. Relationship didn't start until she left school (apparently) but he had been teaching her throughout her teenage years. We all questioned them both at the time it didn't sit right. He was very odd, visiting every weekend and hanging out with 18 year olds.

My husband is 17yrs older than me, I was 22 when we met and we got together a couple of years later.

I don’t feel wrong at all…two legal adults.

My daughter and Ihave different opinions on things like this. Mine is that if an 18 year old likes a 30 year old so what? Hers is that it’s verging on being a nonce! I think it’s because 18 year olds are viewed differently now-many are still treated like children. Whereas when I was young, you were expected to be a responsible adult.

So you were bored. Well you certainly got this place going. My parents in law had a 20 year gap. Never met them but she died way before him.

It's only odd to the many on this site who like to twist everything to suit their purposes.