I was 18, he was 31

[UptownFuckYouUp]

Married with children now. We initially met at work, although he wasn't in a position of power over me. I pursued the relationship and he turned me down multiple times due to my age before we started dating. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm wondering just how wrong our relationship is/was? Or does it not matter now all these years down the line? Does the fact that I pursued him make it ok?

This is a good example of why it works, it acknowledges there’s a difference between the same age gaps at different life stages.

When I was 17 I was with a guy who was 30. I lost my virginity to him. It was completely consensual. I don't regret it, he was a decent guy & we were together a few months & we had fun. I agree with a previous poster though, if my DD came home with someone that much older I would be a much stricter than my mum was.

At 36, DH was 52 when we met, although he did only look in his forties. He’s my soul mate, my bestie, my Everything! But at my 18 he was 35 and I doubt I would have gone out with him.

TBH it’s really down to just you and your feelings, don’t overthink it would be my advice. Don’t listen to negativity from others, it’s not their life, and happiness is far more important.

I have two other friends who married men 17-25 years their senior, all have wonderful marriages and never have doubted it but we’ve all had a few people question us (but it’s none of their business so they should keep their noses right out of it).

be happy OP, there are many that aren’t.

When I was 17 I had sex with a 34 year old man I worked with. Thought it was great at the time, now I look back in horror. At 34 I could never have perused a 17 year old, they’re kids. 🤮

Reading

I can see both sides. In 1907 my Gran, aged 12, was left running the local shop.
I don’t think we would want to go back to those days.

If an 18 year old is legally an adult then it’s really no one else’s business if they decide to date an older person. One just has to hope the older person is respectful and committed to an equal relationship.
My dn is 17 and I can’t imagine his parents being happy if he began dating a 30 year old next birthday though.

I think it’s odd for a 31 year old to be interested in an 18 year old but overall it’s fine if both are consenting. I don’t think he did anything wrong but I can see why you would be reflecting on it now!

DH and I were 21 and 33 when we met. We've got our 30 year wedding anniversary in a couple of months. I had finished uni and was in my first job, so wasn't at such a different life phase as if we'd met 3 or 4 years earlier.

This is perfectly expressed, really.

Your relationship wasn’t illegal OP, so it’s really just down to how you feel about it. Reading what you’ve said I don’t think it sounds like there should be an issue, but maybe there is a bit more to it if you’re posting about it?

When I was 17/18, I had a ‘relationship’ with someone who was 30. When I was that age, I didn’t see the issue. When I got a bit of life experience, I saw just how bad it was. It was in no way equal and there was a lot about it that was inappropriate. He was good looking, friendly and known in the community as a nice guy. I’ve thought about it more since my own children reached the teen/young adult stage. I wonder if he knew it wasn’t ok at the time or if he reflects on it now. It’s very weird to look back on.

I met my 24 year old boyfriend a week after I turned 17 and in sixth form.

It didn’t seem weird at the time, and 30 odd years on we’re still in touch through mutual friends.

We were together for 6 years, and as I said above I made a lot of friends, and a lot of us are still close to this day.

It never felt wrong.

Why are all these threads coming up now. It sounds as though you are still together OP and presumably happy, so what's the point?

I’m early 30s and if any of my friends was dating a teenager I don’t think it would be well received!

If you’re trying to process this, can I ask how do you feel about your marriage? Do you feel like an equal? Is he kind? Do you take decisions autonomously? Etc

I think the age gap is a power imbalance. I had a brief experience with an older man when I was 19 and definitely there was too much of a gap. In general I think that’s the case - the life experiences and stages would make me judge someone who was interested in someone much younger, but for an enduring relationship if that imbalance isn’t there then I wouldn’t question it.

Attitudes have changed in recent years.

Agree. Both adults. Presumably, there was consent. Don't see the problem. There are a lot of these threads around at the moment, though.

When I was 18, I had 2 short term boyfriends of 38. At the time, it was great. They had their own homes and were financially stable so I felt mature. Now I look back and think they only wanted a young girlfriend so they didn’t feel their age. Was it wrong - no, we were all consenting adults.

After a couple of relationships with boys her own age, my oldest daughter, who was involved in political activities that brought her into contact with proper grown-ups, had several boyfriends a full decade older than herself (17/late 20s). We accepted them and she was happy to bring them to meet us. We didn't have any reservations about the relationships and they didn't divert her from her plans for an academic career. She got married at 25, same sort of age gap. One of her younger sisters has followed a similar pattern and seems settled with a man 9 years older than she is. But both girls were horrified when, between marriages, I had a relationship with a man 6 years older than I was. He was, they said, far too old for me.

I also have several friends of my own age (late 50s) who married and had children with men much older than themselves and whose marriages have endured. Provided there isn't a power imbalance I don't think an age gap need be a problem.

When I was 17 I went out without a 27 year old. Wed been seeing each other for a few days before we even talked about ages. I thought he was about 24 and he thought I was early 20s. I'm in no way scarred by it and haven't even thought about it for years until seeing this thread. Is there a reason you are asking this? Doesn't sound like you were groomed or manipulated by him, was there a power imbalance in the relationship that he exploited? If no, then I don't see the issue.

Yes its the life stages

I can't see how that's wrong? You were over the age of consent.
My DH was 31 when we met and I was 18. Never thought in anyway that was an issue. We've been together 25 years.

I don’t think it’s right, no. I could never respect a man who would be in a relationship with an 18 year old at 31. But as an 18 year old I wouldn’t have been mature enough to see that fully although I’d still have thought it was creepy.

if you have no issue respecting a fully grow man who is happy to date someone who is barely an adult then enjoy. I wouldn’t be able to look at them without cringing.

That's an assumption. I was living on my own and dealing with bills and life at 18. Not everyone stays at home until mid-20s or whatever.

Yet, in 1969 you weren't an adult until you were 21.

Nothing wrong at all. You were 18. You were a fucking grown up or you should have been. No one should still be playing at being a child at 18.
Only you know if the relationship was/is a mistake, but if it is, that will be for reasons other than age.