I was 18, he was 31

[UptownFuckYouUp]

Married with children now. We initially met at work, although he wasn't in a position of power over me. I pursued the relationship and he turned me down multiple times due to my age before we started dating. I'm nearly 30 now and I'm wondering just how wrong our relationship is/was? Or does it not matter now all these years down the line? Does the fact that I pursued him make it ok?

I was 21 he was 34.

Was that wrong?

One of my best friends started dating a 32 year old man when she was 18 , we were horrified but 30 years later they are still together and very happy.
He has supported her through a life of complex illness.
On paper I think it sounds wrong but there's an exception to every rule and sometimes you just love who you love.
I'd say repeatedly and actively pursuing much younger partners is red flag behaviour but just a one off through circumstance less so.

There is no way I would have a relationship with an 18 year at the age of 31. Whilst an 18 year old is a legally adult compared to a 31 year old they are a child.

I don’t see any issues with it.

Although I’m 32 and I couldn’t think of anything worse than being with anyone younger than 22 as they just seem so immature.

It’s getting a little ridiculous now. What next? ‘I was 55 and he was 56 we met’. I feel exploited’?

Mixed bag of opinions then...

At 18 I had a short "relationship" with a man in his early 30s. For me it was just a consensual relationship with an older man and I didn't think anything else about it at the time, it didn't last long because no 18 and 30 year olds have anything significant in common! In my own 30s the thought of sleeping with a 18 year old would have been horrifying.

I can see how a naïve teenager could be excited by the thought that someone seemingly mature was interested in them.

I can also understand how some grown adult 30+ year olds can find someone so much younger physically attractive, but to actually engage in a relationship with someone so young would be with no regard for the very young persons immaturity, naivety, or wellbeing. It is creepy and selfish, shows a lack of basic morals and it would make me suspicious of their character in general, even if they did go on and marry.

I do think this is different.

21 you are a proper adult whereas 18 is just out of childhood.

But I don’t think there is anything wrong with either as long as there was no grooming or power imbalance.

My only concern would be that it’s so young to settle down and there’s probably a lot that they missed out on because of it.

Two consenting adults. Unless you were coerced, abused, controlled then I wouldn't give it another thought. Is it a bit gross... yes. Is it illegal/abuse, on the basis of only the ages, no.

But you're happy so it doesn't matter what strangers on the internet think

I wouldn't even give it a second thought.You were an adult.

When my sil,died suddenly her 18 year old daughter was considered adult enough to have full.residency of her much younger brothers ( this was only a few years ago) ,yet on mumsnet,18 + year olds are considered children ,.

Yes, it's bizarre.

I don’t know any thirty year olds that would even entertain wanting to go out with an eighteen year old. There’s an imbalance of power because of the age I would say.

I agree with this. My eldest DD is 18. I tend to treat her as the adult she is in most situations (she still had to obey house rules but that's more out of respect for the household and the fact there are younger DC here).
Im always quite shocked to see friends treating their 18 y/o DC as though they're 14. Young people aren't given the freedom or agency they might have had 20 years ago. Very much babied.

Not according, I the law they are not and there will be very much a spectrum of maturity at 18
it depends on the individual.

who on earth thinks an 18 year old should be responsible for all that? In the real world I don’t know anyone who thinks that’s ok. Nor on mumsnet surely

just because it is legal, it doesn’t make it ok

There is a bigger age gap between myself and my husband. People will judge, but if you are in love and happy, then does it really matter?

This plays into the men can’t help themselves if they are pursued nonsense

yes I would judge a 30 year old with someone who is 18

I can remember how many men liked teenagers I too thought I was mature when I had a much older boyfriend, I wasn’t he just liked young women

DP's daughter is nearly 22. In many ways she seems like she was born aged 40, but in many others she's a young naive girl. She's heavily involved with a 41 year old - in fact they're engaged. He was her boss. She's now started her career and will shortly be earning pretty well. But many of her evenings are spent looking after his kids when he's at work.

I can't bear the thought of him. I can't even look at him. This wedding is going to be a difficult day. But what can we do - she's an adult.

Well.social services appeared to think it was ok.

This is the 2nd thread on a similar theme.

Is the PS thing making people question their relationships all of a sudden?

Surely if you're in love and happy and it feels equal your relationship isn't relevant to another's situation?

I don't see anything wrong with your situation op, you were not coerced by your own admission, you were an adult and capable of making your own decisions- you are responsible for yourself at that age imo.

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