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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

187 replies

Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 21:58

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 28/05/2023 22:01

I'd say most of the problem lies with DH family rather than the ex, surely? She can invite but they can also say no on occasion!

Ontheperiphery79 · 28/05/2023 22:02

Why on earth would she want her ex and you at any event she is hosting?!
I think it's great that she's maintained good relationships with her children's family.
If your husband has an issue with it, he can talk to his family about it.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 28/05/2023 22:04

I think you need to look at this in a different way, your husband ex is not having these parties to snub you, she is inviting her children’s Grandma, Grandad, Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
Which is all totally fine….

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:05

Ontheperiphery79 · 28/05/2023 22:02

Why on earth would she want her ex and you at any event she is hosting?!
I think it's great that she's maintained good relationships with her children's family.
If your husband has an issue with it, he can talk to his family about it.

Why would she and her new husband want Her exs family at all events ??

im not trying to argue just can’t understand it !

OP posts:
Equalitea · 28/05/2023 22:05

Why would she want you at events she hosts? She may count his family amongst her closest and best friends. They obviously like her as they agree to her invitations.
I’d have thought that this pecking order was apparent before you got married and it’s likely to stay this way?

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:06

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 28/05/2023 22:04

I think you need to look at this in a different way, your husband ex is not having these parties to snub you, she is inviting her children’s Grandma, Grandad, Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
Which is all totally fine….

I am really trying to change my mindset ! Hence the post. I suppose it just seems abit controlling to me . So that’s why i have posted to try and be open minded and see different perspectives .

OP posts:
elenacampana · 28/05/2023 22:06

It’s hard to say really, without knowing the people involved and I can see both sides. She knew them for 15 years and you’ve said yourself they’re lovely, she doesn’t want to move on from them. However, you quite naturally, find it odd and excluding.

As it stands, I don’t think you can dictate to your in-laws where they go or to your another woman who she has in her house so it’ll have to be an annoying little quirk!

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:08

Equalitea · 28/05/2023 22:05

Why would she want you at events she hosts? She may count his family amongst her closest and best friends. They obviously like her as they agree to her invitations.
I’d have thought that this pecking order was apparent before you got married and it’s likely to stay this way?

I think I have always felt second best to her . Even though DH family are lovely to me -
I think if they really really really did respect me they might ease off the amount of time they spend with ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:11

elenacampana · 28/05/2023 22:06

It’s hard to say really, without knowing the people involved and I can see both sides. She knew them for 15 years and you’ve said yourself they’re lovely, she doesn’t want to move on from them. However, you quite naturally, find it odd and excluding.

As it stands, I don’t think you can dictate to your in-laws where they go or to your another woman who she has in her house so it’ll have to be an annoying little quirk!

I’d never ever dictate to anyone what they can do and I respect they have known this lady 20 years and that her children are their grandchildren.
I suppose I just find it hard hard to
deal with at times . If that means I’m abit insecure - I’ll accept it .

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 28/05/2023 22:12

They (pps) might all be right.

Plus the old mn trope.... you have a DH problem.

But this is suuuuuuch an easy one to solve....
Host your own parties! Get organised, get your invites out first.
Invite her (cos you're the bigger person!)

openstop · 28/05/2023 22:12

EvilElsa · 28/05/2023 22:01

I'd say most of the problem lies with DH family rather than the ex, surely? She can invite but they can also say no on occasion!

This

Sux2buthen · 28/05/2023 22:13

No, it's weird as shit.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 28/05/2023 22:14

Yanbu. You have 3 children also? Why do they not want to spend these holidays with them? Why isn’t it you, your oh (their own son/brother etc) and all the kids? Then they get to see all their family. Occasionally times with the ex fine, but all the time? I would definitely have an issue with this. I would expect your dh to have an issue and am surprised that he doesn’t. So his brother is in town and the whole family meeting up except yous? Where else would this be acceptable?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/05/2023 22:15

On special occasions just be organised and invite them first. They clearly all get on well and they are accepting the invites so they must still enjoy spending time with her. Hosting a party for his brother coming over i find a bit odd but even more so that brother has accepted the invite. Is he not going to see your DH at all?

UndercoverCop · 28/05/2023 22:16

She is not inviting her ex partner's family, she is inviting her children's family.
They obviously see her as family too as the mother of their grandchildren/DNs, which is great for the children

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 28/05/2023 22:19

I can't see why you view it as controlling.

Your inlaws are blood related to her children, it's nice that she invites them.

FloweryName · 28/05/2023 22:19

Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:08

I think I have always felt second best to her . Even though DH family are lovely to me -
I think if they really really really did respect me they might ease off the amount of time they spend with ex.

Show quote history

So in your ideal world they would see less if their grandchildren in order to show respect to you?

Honestly, if you’re thinking about levels of respect then you have to see that for them, the woman who brought up their grandchildren and who they have been close to for many years is going to deserve the most.

Do you offer to host family events as much as she does?

Lkgcsr · 28/05/2023 22:19

I think that’s weird on both sides; I don’t really know why yoir DH doesn’t have a word with his family and say actually can they not keep socialising with his ex especially at the expense of seeing him

SchoolShenanigans · 28/05/2023 22:19

I find it stranger that they accept all of the invitations without asking you guys what you're up to.

And why are the kids with her for every special occasion?

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 28/05/2023 22:20

She is inviting her children's family over.

Her and her husband sound really nice actually.

It also sounds like you and your dh don't try and arrange anything yourselves.

She isn't excluding you, she just isn't inviting her ex and his wife - totally reasonable.

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:20

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/05/2023 22:15

On special occasions just be organised and invite them first. They clearly all get on well and they are accepting the invites so they must still enjoy spending time with her. Hosting a party for his brother coming over i find a bit odd but even more so that brother has accepted the invite. Is he not going to see your DH at all?

We will see BIL for a coffee before he heads off to the party.
I can’t work out if everyone feels obligated to go as they don’t want to offend her or they will really enjoy it and just don’t worry that their brother / son isn’t invited .

DHs parents are extremely well educated and I just can’t understand how they don’t feel sympathy for their son who is not invited to events ( Christmas Eve / Easter / childrens birthday ) yet they are . They are spending these days with their sons children but their son isn’t Invited .

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 28/05/2023 22:20

How did the marriage end? Were you the other woman?

Original poster
Cocolocobaby · 28/05/2023 22:21

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 28/05/2023 22:19

I can't see why you view it as controlling.

Your inlaws are blood related to her children, it's nice that she invites them.

I see it as her preventing DH spending special events with his children .

OP posts:
FloweryName · 28/05/2023 22:23

Do the in laws get to spend time with their grandchildren when they are having contact time with their dad?

Was the ex close to her SiL and that’s why she’s invited your DHs brother for dinner?

Turnthelightoff · 28/05/2023 22:24

The rest of the time I think it’s fine but for this one visit from the DB why has no one said, is OP and exDH not invited since it’s his DB and there isn’t lots of time for them to get together as brothers or for him to see his DN’s?