AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
They came and rushed off to the ex’s.

There’s not reason for DSC to miss out but she can host events without inviting her ex-in laws.

youre also making assumptions with words like “probably” and “likely”.

This isn’t all on DH, none of the younger childrens family has thought about how this will make them feel.

I’d sack them all off and focus on my own family.

There’s not reason for DSC to miss out but she can host events without inviting her ex-in laws.

That would then be the DSC missing out on their grandparents and family.

This isn’t all on DH, none of the younger childrens family has thought about how this will make them feel.

You’re right. It’s on the Op too.

If they’re that bothered then they should organise events themselves. The in-laws came to the one they did. If they organise it on a non-clashing day then no-one will need to rush off. They could even include the DSC…

I’d sack them all off and focus on my own family

Well the OP is absolutely free to do that.

However, if neither she nor the DH are prepared to make the effort then they shouldn’t be surprised, nor complain, if the DSC have the memories of occasions with their grandparents and their children together don’t.

he’s probably not bothering because,

@ineedtrinnyandsusannah The ‘probably’ in my sentence was directly mirroring yours…

When we organgsied an Easter bbq she then arranged an evening dinner and the In laws came to our bbq but had to not eat too much and leave to get to the next event. It was a cruel move by her ( I felt !)

She's letting you know that her children will always be more important than yours (in her head). She's making absolutely sure that the grandparents are spending all the special occasions with hers.

I think it's outrageous that your DHs parents/family are going along with this. He can't even get to spend time with his own brother because of her invites. What's wrong with DHs family? Why are they not making more effort with their son and grandchildren?

It would be very odd to invite your ex,his wife and their kids over to your home with your new husband, it's pretty normal to invite people you've known and loved for over a decade and who are related to your dc.

This is utter nonsense. It is absolutely not normal to invite your ex in laws round for every special occasion in the year. Invite them round for an odd coffee or lunch maybe but not to this extent. Anyone on this thread who spends Christmas/ Easter and other special occasions with their ex in laws?

He could still do celebrations and invite his family the day before or day after or week before or week after.

he and you could have celebrations with your kids, his kids and invite the in laws regardless.

That he has chosen not to is his choice and it’s ridiculous to expect everyone else to stop doing things just because you don’t like it.

No, it's utterly ridiculous to expect the grandparents and families to go to 2 separate occasions with the same grandchildren just to appease the selfish ex. The ex knows fine well what she's doing, it's deliberate.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
So it’s okay for DC to miss out but not DSC.

Honestly, I feel she should be inviting everyone (lol) or no one. It doesn’t really look good to DSC either - everyone can come but not dad, sm or younger kids.

It’s not really a great dynamic for anyone other than the ex.

The DC are missing out because or their parents choice to not bother.

That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. It’s not compulsory for everyone to agree.

It won’t, imo, look remotely odd to the DSC that their mum doesn’t invite their dad and his new wife. They may wonder why their father hadn’t bothered to do it for their siblings, but given that their mother seems to get on well with the family they’re unlikely to think it weird.

I very much doubt they’ll consider it their mothers responsibility to host their younger siblings.

Honestly, I feel she should be inviting everyone (lol) or no one. It doesn’t really look good to DSC either - everyone can come but not dad, sm or younger kids

The dsc will just be doing what they’ve done their whole lives so they won’t question wether their mum’s invitations look good or not. They will just be having granny and grandad over like they always did, the only difference is that Dad is no longer there.

This is a bit weird. I’m not sure that I have any terribly useful suggestions. I know that someone else has said to get in first with your own parties but how early would you need to do that? Inviting people in January to something in March (not a wedding) is also a bit rude - it’s booking them so they can’t make any other plans.

Choosing to have a party that includes her ex brother in law but excludes his brother in the one night he is around is actually a very strange thing to do.

Re the grandparents always doing things with the older children - I wonder whether they’ve done that thing of being massively invested in the first grandchildren (who were born when they were younger) and then becoming a bit jaded. Someone in their 80s may just not have the enthusiasm that they once had (sorry, I can’t remember whether you’ve said their ages).

@CruCru
I think it’s treating dad like a leper to be honest…either she gets on with dads side or she doesn’t. Be the bigger person or don’t.

I found this thread a tad horrifying and I get on with my ex in-laws. I truly thought this type of power play didn't happen to often (maybe naively)

But given so many people are defending this type of weird behaviour as completely normal and ok, it makes me think this type of power play/weirdness happens a lot more frequently.

All the people saying oh just do your own events and dads shit must have missed where op put they arranged a event and the ex then booked on for the same day straight after so that the in-laws felt they couldn't eat at the first event.

It's just so bizarre to me.

The poor dsc, I feel sorry for them tbh to have a mum who uses them as pawns. Grim.