AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

This. You aren't part of her friendship group and I'm sure your dh has no desire to spend his leisure time with his ex-wife. Or she,him.

She's inviting her children's family to family gatherings. That's a good thing. Polite, positive, optimistic.

There's nothing to stop you hosting similar parties. Do you issue the same sort of invitations?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, they are equally his children too. His family is getting all these memories and your husband is missing out. If this was the other way around, and a husband invited his ex-wives family to loads of events and excluded his ex-wife (in days that weren’t always days he had the children), I think lots of people would have something to say about it. I do think it’s more of a husband and family issue though (than the ex).

I would host events on the days you have the children and say it’s an all day thing, early afternoon- kids bedtime. Although, unlike others, I wouldn’t invite the ex - she clearly doesn’t want to socialise with you guys.

What about the ex's relationship with the in-laws? Are they supposed to abandon her after having a close relationship with her for so long?
It was their son who decided to move on, not them

YANBU this is seriously weird from both ex and your DH’s family! No way would my parents go to a party my ex was throwing instead of seeing me!

I don't hink you're ebony unreasonable either - it seems excessive to me. But..your husband sounds really passive. Like he's happy for her to arrange all of these lovely events for the kids and extended family rather than pushing for shared time over holidays, arranging parties and having a word to his parents about his wishes. If it bothers him too, he really needs to talk to his family about it and make alternate plans to bring everyone together.

But that's the thing. If his family spent special occasions with op and her husband, they would be spending it with all six of his children and their son/brother/uncle, instead of just the 3 older children and his ex wife. Because his 3 older children can come to his house, but his 3 younger children can't go to his ex wife's.

It's not right, op.

Absolutely this. Your DH needs to discuss with her who is doing what well in advance and divvying up the family occasions.

When do your kids see what is their family too?

It's quite possible his parents disapprove of what your DH did when he left his previous partner and that's why they keep going to hers instead of asking what you are doing. They don't blame you btw they just aren't realising the impact.

YABU - they clearly love her and she loves them. That she and their son broke up doesn’t mean the family and the ex can’t remain close; they’ve been her family for 20 years.

She’s the type of person who likes to host parties. That’s not going to change.

You’ve been with your DH for only 4 years and you have 3 children together? I’m not surprised you aren’t at the hosting parties stage yourselves, you must be run ragged.

Have you thought about saying that you want to host the party as you want to spend time with BIL and family but invite ex and children also so no one misses out. Instead of being you vs ex try and build a relationship. It might not work but don't know until you try.

Op how old are your kids and how old are hers? Because you say you’ve been together for 4 years and have 3 kids ? So I imagine they’re all baby to toddler is that why they’re not going to parties with their siblings?

I can see that Ex could very possible have an angle in trying to take all the occasions but it also seems like she’s one of those people who like to host if she does so many?

do you want to go? Or do you just want in-laws not to? I think that’s the issue.

May the end of the day no one is a mind reader and if your DH thinks it’s normal and doesn’t see an issue it may be hard to change the dynamic. But it’s not weird for you and him not to be invited tbh or that IN-laws are.

I think she should be sharing the kids special occasions though.

It sounds as if 20 years and three children had already happened and you have married into a preexisting dynamic that involves a lot of already established relationships. I can understand your frustration but I think people often underestimate the primal connections that are forged between family members when a couple share children, and these connections cannot be undone easily.

Yanbu it is a weird situation indeed. Lovely that she is still friendly with the ex in laws but dominating the social situations is out of order. Your DH needs to step in.

I do get it, but it's important to remember that it's not about you. I suspect a huge part of it is to see the children, does your DH ever do family meals and invite them to stuff?

If the parties were competitive or manipulative, if the atmosphere was off, then your in-laws would have picked up on it, felt uncomfortable and stopped going. But they haven't. Five years on they are apparently genuinely pleased to see each other, and enjoying themselves.

I think you have just chosen a dh whose ex is a natural socialite and strong on family. There's no harm in that.

I'm sure you have your own style of socialising so do what makes you feel comfortable. If the dscs are teens, what about taking them on foreign city breaks as birthday presents. What teen would turn down two days in Copenhagen or Barcelona? 🙂

You will never get decent advice on here OP regarding this due to being the '2nd Wife' even though they weren't married. Since coming on mumsnet I've learned that some women are VERY threatened by the idea of a 2nd wife so say stupid shit to 2nd wives 😄. In the real world, this doesn't happen and no one would be happy with it. Shes definitely doing it to prove a point, what point that is I don't know. However, you can do nothing about it so you need to make your own plans. If you have your own kids, make occasions special for them. Start your own traditions.

DH and I have the children 2 nights a week but he would never stop the children having the special days with mum. So on all the special days she throws parties and invites all of DHs family apart from him. So the kids love it!

Also this explains it! They want to see their grandchildren on Christmas, Easter- the 'special days', to do so they need to see them at his exes as for some bizarre reason he's happy to surrender those precious days and not see his children. This is something he certainly could have addressed if he was arsed, no court in this situation would say nah dad can never see them on these days; he's evidently not bothered for whatever sad reason. I'm sure his parents would love to see the grandchildren with their son for these things but they don't get a chance. I don't see why he feels he should be invited to something his ex spends time and money arranging while he does nothing.

They're her children's family. Seems fine to me. And I perfectly understand why you and your husband aren't invited.

YADNBU X

The point is her husband could have done something about it by pushing to see his children on some of the special occasions his parents go to. I don't see why they should miss out just because their son can't be bothered to pursue this and put on a celebration they can attend. None of it is on OP that is correct.

Er yeah I agree. What I'm commenting on is the posters insisting this is all totally normal and they wouldn't be bothered. Which is bullshit.

very weird. So you kids never spend any events with their half brothers and sisters?

Guess it depends how your DH feels about it and if he can have a conversation with his parents about it. Lets the facts speak for themselves. Write down every event she’s hosted in the last year.

DH can sit down with his parents and show how many events he and the other grandkids are being excluded from. Suggest a balance. If they don’t agree, then sadly the fact is they don’t like DH / you / your kids so i would withdraw.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over

Because her children are there, and these are the children’s grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/relatives, and she is trying to maintain the kids relationships with their relatives. I imagine the kids see their dad otherwise so she doesn’t have to actively try and facilitate that relationship.

I know someone a bit like this - always books theatre tickets/concerts on children's birthdays, arranges events/parties and especially Christmas trips meaning her ex-husband never sees his kids at birthdays or Christmas. They are adults so their choice. But feels purposely planned to thwart time with their dad and actually quite selfish.

I think it’s weird. How come she gets all of the special occasions with your DH’s children and his family? Surely they should be 50:50 anyway.
time to have a grown up chat with DH’s family AND with DH’s ex. It’s not fair and is very selfish to take Christmas/Easter/birthdays and now his own brother’s trips!