AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

How the toddlers/babies feel about not being invited to their half siblings parents parties? You serious.

When they’re old enough they probably will feel a bit miffed that their half siblings Mum made effort to do special events at Christmas/Easter/etc and their parents didn’t bother…

Surely you’re not suggesting that the ex should make her children miss out because the OP’s DH, and the OP, have chosen not to do anything for theirs? That’s ludicrous

Op doesn't state that they are babies/toddlers though...

But yes of course so silly for people to consider the younger members of the family 🙄 they are born without emotions so don't need to be considered

When people say oh won't someone think of the children, they mean kids from the first marriage. Children from second family have zero emotions and totally will understand why their older siblings are talking about a Christmas party with their joint grandpa and grandma and they aren't invited.

I mean what's really weird is mum asking her ex in laws for every special occasion.

So that they are booked with her - so literally excluding OPs DH and the second children.

It's a really weird thing to do and I say this as a ex wife.

It’s their half siblings mother having parties.

what normal parent expects their children to be invited to their half siblings parents thrown parties smh. There’s some digging deep here to make the ex the bad guy.

Im
not the only
one to presume young children and the op hasn’t corrected any of us since they only married four years ago.

In-laws exist in their own right, as humans, with feelings etc. They aren’t just bit players to decorate other people’s love story and/or union. And they aren’t a package deal that has to follow the path of one family member’s love life.

DSIS and I met our SIL from when we were all pretty young. We developed a relationship. We like each other. Even if my nephews didn’t exist all that would still be true. And just because she is no longer with our brother doesn’t mean we’ve fallen out of “like a lot and care about” with her. We all went through so many ages & stages together. She’s great.

Neither DSIS or I can or will change who we want to spend time with based on how our brother, or anybody in his life romantically, feels about it. We don’t exist only as our brother’s sisters. We’re our own people, we’re attached to who we’re attached to, and we’re free to spend festivals and free time with who we choose.

Perhaps that is how your in-laws feel ? They’ve known her for a long time and like, or love her. The ex and your DH may have moved on from their feelings for each other. But that doesn’t mean his entire family have to follow suit and move their emotional attachments where he moves his.

In time, you’ll be able to develop your own close relationship with them, if you all click. We humans are prone to noticing what we don’t have and spend energy on why we don’t think is fair, normal, or expected. Whereas when we focus on sowing the seeds of what we could have, rather than what somebody else is harvesting, we are a lot more likely to driving a combine harvester of our own in time.

I’m really not being mean. I know what it’s like to feel like the not so wanted in-law. Twice ( might be a me problem at this point 😅). And it’s crap. But crap doesn’t get better until we work how much we want what we don’t have. And follow through by working out how to get what we want. Doing the grind and drudge work needed to make that happen.

And life is way too short to waste it peeking in through the window like a cat left out in the rain, thinking the dog is the bastard problem, cos he’s in there being patted and getting all the fishy titbits.

Cos that is worst outcome. Both unable to see the freedom of life on the window ledge, as well as wildly overestimating how much fun it is to be petted the whole time.

I mean all this woe is the second family. Yet they expect the first family to be dropped like a hot potato the second they come along by the dads family.

What’s best the for the children is best for the children.

Ex invites her children’s family bar her own ex to their stuff.

The father and his new wife and children are welcome to host parties and invite all
but the ex / children’s mother.

Er no Tbf op would get slaughtered if she didn't invite the DSC to Christmas dinner with the family (as they are part of the family), it's just the ex isn't so that potato got dropped in the divorce 😂

I don't think considering the all children of the family is unreasonable. Isn't that what's always spouted on here ? But it's interesting that's your read on it.

But let's not pretend this is done in the name of what's best for the kids ? 😅

it's really odd behaviour by a ex wife and a bit of a power play. The in laws probably feel sorry for mum and are trying to be polite and not rock the boat, hoping she would petter off with the invites not ramp up.

But I think push comes to shove I imagine they will slowly start declining and have gathering just in-laws, DSC, DC op and her DP as a family gathering.

This type of nuttery can't last long before someone goes - this is weird.

Things like this remind me how not to be a nutty ex wife.

.

I think it’s really bad form.

DC may be young now but they’ll soon be older and the precedent has been set.

Even if OP starts inviting all the family around, it’s going to be a huge adjustment for them to start saying no to the ex all the time. That will likely cause ructions.

So, how do you think DC will feel when all of their dad’s side of the family (and their sibling) are quite often celebrating things that they’re not invited to.

To be honest, a lack of boundaries isn’t always helpful to children of divorce either. It can be confusing, that’s worth considering too.

This.

They are still her family. If anything I think its controlling of you to want to intefere in her relationship with them.

Why do they have to say no all the time?

they can do as they did the one time the OP and her DH organised something and do both?

It’s also worth considering that the Op’s DH hasn’t bothered his arse over the years to organise anything for occasions. He’s left it all to the mother. Why would people stop doing something they’ve done for years to just do nothing? He’s had years to make the effort. This is his doing. Not the exes.

Ex was in a relationship with your husband for 15 YEARS. You even say that she’s known for the family for 20 years now. You’ve been married to him for four years so you’re quite new to the scene in comparison.

I don’t think the ex is doing anything wrong at all. If their children live with her for the majority of the time, she doesn’t want their lives to change just because she’s no longer with your husband. Presumably they spent a lot of time with the In Laws, Aunts and Uncles whilst together so their mum doesn’t want them to miss out on the interaction. If their kids only stays with their dad twice a week then maybe she wants to ensure that they definitely get to spend time with him on both days as opposed to going on a family tour each week trying to catch up with people.

I’m not sure why you think you and your husband would be invited. Why would she want to socialise with you both when she wants to engage with her old family/children’s family? At the end of the day you married someone who was in a 15 year relationship. Maybe if your DH spoke up and said something to his family they’d ease up a bit? Who knows but I don’t see the problem. It’s not like you never see your In Laws because of her

DH and I see all of our ex in-laws. Our exs are very difficult and so access to grand kids is through us.

BIL wants to see his nieces and nephews so sees ex with whom he's had a very long relationship.

Sorry YABU. Be more organized and more proactive. Invite them to yours when you have the kids.

I think YABVU. It must be lovely for the children to have their grandparents over and spending time with them and their mum! Don’t spoil a nice thing because you’re jealous. And don’t be so ridiculous - of course it would be really awkward for the mum to have her ex and his new partner over to all her special occasions? Do you constantly invite them to your events?

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
the time they did both; the family ended up rushing off to get the the ex’s. Again, not great for the DC but as long as DSC are happy who gaf.

Well that’s what happens when you double book people. They were already planning on going to the exes so the logical thing is the Op and her DH organise something on a different day.

It’s not that difficult.

Still ignoring the point that the DH not bothering his arse for years is the cause of this I see… It’s his fault. Not the DSC’s.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings
he’s probably not bothering because, like a lot of people here, he thinks it’s nice for DSC. Not thinking of his younger children, like a lot of people of here. Standard.

OP is complaining that her DH is left out of seeing his own kids, but maybe the ex would invited him if that didn’t mean she would also have to invite another adult and three more children.

The DH has made his choices here and he’s happy with the consequences, so why is there a problem? It’s nothing to do with OP what her in laws and ex do and if they’re happy with their choices too, the only issue that exists is inside OPs head. She can host parties for her in-laws if she wants to but she doesn’t. It seems all she wants is to stop unrelated other people from enjoying themselves.

@FloweryName
Again, no consideration for the younger DC. OP has explained what happened when she did invite DH family over.

I think people would feel different if it were the ex writing this and it was DH/SM inviting the ex’s family over all the time.

He probably hasn’t thought of it at all. For either set of his children.

Hence why the grief being aimed at his ex is so out of order. She stepped up because he didn’t (likely she just kept up the wife work side of his children’s relationship with their family).

And again, nobody should be expecting the DSc’s mother to think “oh lazy arse isn’t bothering again so I’ll stop nothing for mine to make it even”.

If the OP wants her children to have occasions then she’ll have to organise them. Taking them away from her step children doesn’t benefit hers at all

OP has explained what happened when she did invite DH family over.

They came over. Despite already having plans. So they would come round if the OP and her DH planned things…

Again, no consideration for the younger DC. OP has explained what happened when she did invite DH family over.

It’s not the ex wife’s job to consider the younger dc and on that single occasion that OP invited her in laws we don’t know whose invitation came first. We do know that the in laws accepted the invitation and had a nice time visiting their younger grandchildren in the time that they had. The older grandchildren weren’t invited to this occasion to spend time with their grandparents, presumably because it was during the exs time with them.

Isn’t it better for the grandparents who are in demand by both sets of grandchildren on a single day to split their time between both them rather than tell one set that they can’t see them at all because of the other?

She's maintained great relationships with her children's grandparents, she hasn't divorced them to. Totally understandable why her ex and you are not invited. (why would you be?).

I can relate and it's a horrible feeling OP.

DH's ex has done this for years and it absolutely is a power play. If we organise any kind of event she will organise a much bigger grander one on the same time and suggest to everyone (kids, her ex-inlaws) that they are welcome to choose. She even trumps us on holidays we have already paid for and yes the dates etc will have been agreed.

She has kept the family home until the youngest finishes uni which has much more room than ours so this means everytime DH's family visits us we will be busy getting our place ready with our one spare room plus blow up bed, plus couch pullout until inevitably we will get the call to say it 'makes more sense and will be more comfortable to stay with ex' (always the same words).

It makes DH feel undervalued and sad but he paints on a happy face. Even when his friend (whose wife was friends with his ex) visited from another country arrangements were changed from staying with us to 'makes more sense'.

If things start this way they can continue forever. My brother left his wife two years ago and moved out and I've noticed our mother stays with the ex when she visits. He has a new partner and I feel sorry for her that she's never going to have the right 'status'.

I don't really have much advice except to say I agree it's unfair and weird. I think you'd DH should be clear with his family that it stops the children seeing his home as their family home also. And I think you should make an effort for the special occasions.