AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

I think this is a 'you' thing. Your husband's family have built a very close bond with the mother of their grandchildren over the years. Why should they feel obligated to decline her offers to host family get togethers. She is still 'part of the family' by definition as mother of the grandchildren she shares with your husband.

With the greatest respect, I think it would have been something you ought to have realised when you got together with your husband. He has other children with another woman; just because his relationship broke down with her, the other family relationships don't necessarily have to. I think this is a 'what's best for the grandchildren' type situation rather than what suits the second wife.

Don't be too insecure about this. You say his family are lovely and you clearly like them very much too. He finished his romantic relationship with her and has built another with you. Trust in that.

Make your own offers to host. You can always invite her if you are feeling so inclined. But blended families always have and always will, throw up feelings like this.

Be happy that everyone is loving, kind and respectful, it could be so difficult in different circumstances.

He is bothered about seeing his children. He adores them. Hence why we live around the corner and always see them whenever they want to come which is 2 nights bug often they pop in for dinner on other nights . They are lovely kids.
the kids and DH know that there is hell to pay’ if mum is upset . So my DH says - spend Xmas with mum - we will see you before or after. He doesn’t want kids to stress. The children come first .

@Creamyoda - you are so so wrong here. .The point is that even though DH is desperate to see the kids he waits for the day after the special events as he doesn’t want children to be put in the middle and stressed. We would not be selfish and say - if you don’t come to my house every other Christmas Day im taking your mum to court etc !

You are so wrong. He doesn’t complain as he doesn’t want the children to feel guilty or worried or sad.
He has always said - so long as the childrens mum is happy - this means the children will be happy . If the children are happy then that’s what comes first.
So when she arranges events he says- well it’s great they will see all of my family and have fun with their mum. I accept I’ll have to wait and do a fake - Christmas / Easter celebration the next day . Which we do.

its not he doesn’t want to see the children. He just doesn’t want them feeling guilty about leaving their mum to come to our house as she would make it clear she wasn’t happy with them. She can be quite controlling with the children .

He could still do celebrations and invite his family the day before or day after, or week before or week after.

he and you could have celebrations with your kids, his kids and invite the in laws regardless.

That he has chosen not to is his choice and it’s ridiculous to expect everyone else to stop doing things just because you don’t like it.

Having Christmas celebrations “ the next day “ is not fake. That’s what every single separated and divorced parent in the Uk does ( except for the tiny percentage who still do these things together ).

It’s what many families up and down the country so when they can’t see their loved one on the exact day of their birthdays.

It’s what most kids do when they have their birthday party at the weekend when these birthday was midweek.

It’s what most adults do when they go out at the weekend to celebrate a birthday or anniversary.

You do sound a bit bonkers.

Are you staying that when you organise a party for your husbands birthday ( and invite all his family ) , you do this on a Monday if that’s his actual birthday rather than the weekend before or after ? Because otherwise that would be fake ?

So when she arranges events he says- well it’s great they will see all of my family and have fun with their mum. I accept I’ll have to wait and do a fake - Christmas / Easter celebration the next day . Which we do

and the kids are not seeing HIS family . They are seeing THEIR OWN family. They have a link with their aunts / uncles / cousins / GP that exists entirely independently of him.

Yep she's playing games.
His family should be making sure that your DH is able to see his brother. That is a ridiculous state of affairs.
You have a DH problem
You have an in-laws problem
No wonder you're annoyed, I would be too.
But
bear in mind, she's not inviting her ex's family. She's inviting her kids family.

You & DH should be arranging gatherings.
And including all the kids.
Your DH should be explaining situation to his family
Your DH should be having contact every other easter/xmas etc & you two should
Host then.

It would be nice if all 4 of the adults ie you & DH and her and DH would include the other in your events for sake of kids but that wouldn't work for everyone - I get that.

It sucks OP but be proactive

ORGANISE events yourself

What I don't understand is why the step kids weren't invited to the lunch bbq and then there'd be no need for another evening party for the grandparents to see the grandkids

I don't get it either.

Op doesn't seem to want to organise anything, but also doesn't want the ex to either.

But presumably your husband has them on birthdays as well (just not perhaps all day every year). What's stopping your husband organising a family get together for the kids' birthdays/Xmas (which are entirely predictable dates)?

How often does dh throw events or even invite his family around when his older children are at yours?

Honestly this sounds lovely for the children and quite mature of the adults involved. None of this one it’s a ex we must act like she never existed even though it’s the grandchildren/niece/nephews mothers which isn’t nice for the children.

Ex sounds like a person who loves to throw a get together, she invites her children’s family, that’s understandable it makes the children happy, the family is happy.

If your dh never has the children for special occasions his not missing out because his family is there, as he wouldn’t see them anyway. His family and children however are gaining by spending time together.

What would be weirder would be inviting her ex and his wife and their children to all her gatherings. I’m sure at that point all the posts would be saying she was trying to upstage op and show she was the better host or trying to show off to her ex etc.

What living arrangements are in place?

Don't you ever have the children on special occasions?

Sorry, I think it's perfectly fair and reasonable that special days, birthdays, Christmas etc are shared

Your DH should have got that sorted.

@Achwheesht what does that have to do with anything and why is it any of your business?

We would not be selfish and say - if you don’t come to my house every other Christmas Day im taking your mum to court etc !

He sounds like an absolute melt, full of excuses to make his life easier under the guise of not wanting to stress the children- who live around the corner and would no doubt enjoy time with him if he could be bothered to arrange fun stuff like their mum does. Honestly plenty of children spend time on these occasions quite happily, he has never bothered and so he doesn't see them; he honestly can't then complain about his parents wanting to see their grandchildren, they shouldn't suffer for his lack of backbone and/or laziness.

I agree @Creamyoda the only thing is that the DH isn't complaining- according to the Op, he's happy with the situation, it's only the Op who isn't.

Here’s an easy solution OP ( if you want one and I suspect you don’t - I think you just wanted everyone to say how terrible your partners family are for not doing what you want ).

When is the next birthday in your family - your partners or one of your kids? Choose a date on or near that date when you will have your step children. Organise a party for that now and send out invitations to your partners family, his children, their mother and their step father.

Do exactly what you want his ex wife to do - organise parties and invite you and him. That’s what you said you wanted her to do in your first post. Because if you don’t invite her, you are excluding her - which is what you are accusing her of doing.

If you organise lots of these events and always invite her, she will feel obliged to invite you to her events.

You need to chose one of your birthdays so you are not seen to be competing with her.

Simple .

Maybe she doesn't want 3 under 4s screaming through a party?

I'd assume a couple with 3 very young children wouldnt want to come to parties.

Are you a lot younger than her? If he was with her 15 years, has 3 teens with her they must have been quite young?

For him to then get with you and have 3 more DCs?

He chose to have 6 DC! That's going to cause some stress!

And no he shouldnt have made his dc homeless so he could make a new family with someone else. The fact that you consider it a possibility that he could have kept the house speaks volumes.

Yea that's very true!

OP why don’t you throw some parties and invite the in laws first? You will have to give them lots of notice to beat DH’s exes invitations. I’m sure that would piss the ex right off 🤣

OP YANBU!!

This is a sad situation for you but at the moment you can't really control it. She sounds very controlling and quite nasty.

As PPs have said, start to host your own things and hopefully there will eventually be more of a balance or things may even turn in your favour.

Was it an amicable or acrimonious split?

I agree. It is like a power play by the ex wife. Very weird.

Quite sad (and typical) that no one is thinking of how this could make the ‘new’ children feel…