AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

Good god no.
They we’re never married . They drifted apart after children and agreed it was time for them both to move on.

I see it as her preventing DH spending special events with his children .

Why? Aren’t all these things happening when she has her children at home with her? Doesn’t your DH have his turn of special events through his normal contact routine?

But me and DH have 3 children -
who are also in-laws grandchildren…. And brother and sisters to DHs other children . Should our children be excluded.

We do organize events but im
not competing for the sake .

When we organgsied an Easter bbq she then arranged an evening dinner and the In laws came to our bbq but had to not eat too much and leave to get to the next event. It was a cruel move by her ( I felt !)

When your DH has the children, does he invite his family round?

She's inviting her children's family. They want to see them. That's it surely? I've thought a few times that if me and DH ever split I'd be sad to lose touch with his family, MIL especially. Is it so odd to stay in touch?

Don't the children ever spend birthdays or Christmas with you and their father ?

They are her family , yoj are massively j reasonable.

my DCs dads family was hugely important to me because I have no family here myself

Tell her to back off and get her own family. It’s her childrens family, but they can see this family with their dad.
I agree you have an in law and possibly dh problem though, she’s only getting away with it because of them.

DH and I have the children 2 nights a week but he would never stop the children having the special days with mum. So on all the special days she throws parties and invites all of DHs family apart from him. So the kids love it!

The only holiday DH takes
prior On is Father’s Day.

Organise your own parties. I think it’s lovely she has events with her children and their grandparents. MIL get such a bashing usually (not from me I love mine), and if anything should happen between me and my husband I would hope to be able to include my MIL and DIL in big celebrations with their grandchildren.

It’s not odd to stay in touch, but not for every single thing where you would be keeping your dh from having these events with HIS family

You have not read her post properly.

It's not cruel, she's doing what she always does.

It sounds like she arranged her event around yours as well.

It would be very odd to invite your ex, his wife and their kids over to your home with your new husband, it's pretty normal to invite people you've known and loved for over a decade and who are related to your dc.

Your in laws sound like they are doing their best to balance everyone's needs and see all the kids regularly.

If you're not going to make the effort to arrange things then you can't really be pissed off when she does it.

But why would she invite her ex husband? Unless they have a friendly relationship (which it doesn’t sound like they do), I wouldn’t risk an awkward party with an ex. Much better for her children, friends and family to have a fun party with no weirdness. The grandparents are still her family.

If the kids love it and everyone except you is happy with it, all you can do is make peace with it.

The ex and your in laws just want to maintain the relationships they’ve built up over years and they’re not doing anything wrong.

The DH’s ex sounds a PITA. She definitely has an agenda. I can’t believe that some people on here are having a go at the OP.

I do think you need to change your mind set about this. It genuinely sounds like they have a close relationship built over many years rather than that the ex is inviting your in laws to exclude you and DH.
She obviously enjoys their company and is close to them and invites them to join her for celebrations. She doesn’t invite you and her ex DH because she isn’t close to you and wouldn’t enjoy your company.
When your DH has his children for his contact time then you guys can host your own celebrations and invite the in laws.
Im in a similar situation but on the other side. I’m close to my ex in laws and still spend time with all of them often. When the children are with me, and even sometimes when they aren’t! If I am hosting something I would invite thr in laws but not ex and his partner (as I’m not close to him anymore!)
When ex hosts something with or without the children he would not invite me either.
If the in laws were to host something big like a special birthday celebration or anniversary etc then I’d expect they would invite all of us. For something smaller then it’s separate/often whoever has the children (which is me 90% of the time!)
Theres no intention whatsoever of leaving anyone out. I’m simply close to them (after being part of the family for nearly 20 years) and we see each other as family still.

Because they're her children's family.

I think for me it is just odd that she invites them to everything ! Birthdays,
Christmases , Coronation , Easter, Summer Solstice, carnival , bank holiday bbqs.
Every single event she will throw a party.

I just wonder if DHs parents are aware that DH is therefore excluded.

but yes -
we could arrange our own
parties !

i find it weird that you view this as controlling. And if I’m being honest I think this is really a you problem as it’s coming across as quite insecure , they were her and her children’s family for many many years just because the relationship broke up doesn’t mean everybody in the family should walk away from her. I think it’s lovely for the kids , it’s also really odd that you think you should be invited, you weren’t part of her family and she doesn’t know you so why would she invite you ? Why can’t dh go to the odd event without you or suggest to his ex it would be nice for him to be included so he can see his children. I don’t think you have a place in this situation in my opinion but you should encourage your dh to be more forward about going

And why don’t DHs parents say “ we’re not coming unless our son is invited”. I wouldn’t accept my son being left out all the time..

I'd say current wife trumps ex girlfriend and I'm shocked that anyone could argue otherwise.
Both women are mothers of their grandchildren so the kids aren't some golden ticket to justify this fuckwittery.
Also, OPs DH is their son permanently! Where is the loyalty?

I don’t think it’s weird that the in laws etc spend time there as they are the children’s’ relatives. Her significant other may not be happy with the arrangement. Do her relatives and his relatives not go to these gatherings too?
I do find it weird that your children (of equal significance) to these relatives don’t seen to get a look in. Does your DH not question this aspect of the arrangements? It’s not that you and he are excluded, it’s that the other three children are. That’s the issue you can push to change the status quo.
I would consider having your own gathering and see if the relatives still go to her gathering instead. Trial this with it in mind that they may go to yours if asked first. The early bird etc. If they still go to the exes then you have grounds to question things. This would be a case of them prioritising only three of the six children. (obviously not if it’s a child’s birthday party.or other relevant examples)
You can’t question where these relatives go unless you offer an alternative for them to attend. Some people will go to any event they are invited to! (free food - don’t blame them.)
You would have to invite the three step children to your event and.make sure you notify people so early that the ex can’t save the date before you - so to speak.
Good luck OP - hopefully it’s just a case of habit and not a case of you and your family being second best. If unfortunately that does appear to be the case then you would have to get DH on board to speak to them really.
I would suggest a bank holiday Sunday bbq at the end of August. Plenty of notice and most likely a neutral event?

After 20 years (given they were together 15 and you married 4 it must be that) she likely sees them as her family.

especially as from what you say she doesn’t have her own family - if it’s just her, her husband and your exes family.

Theres nothing stopping you organising your own events. The children aren’t going to suffer from two parties. They will from bitterness and unnecessary anger.

Your DH needs to stake more of a claim on special events. Alternate years or something.
If nothing else it would be good for the 6 siblings to celebrate together sometimes. Are your 3 not invited to their birthdays? Do they come to your children's birthdays?
The fact his family may seem to priorise the older three over your three is something to take up with them that not DH's ex's fault.

Odd situation.

She seems to love your husbands family. Why does she not invite you and yoir husband, has something negative occurred between the husband and ex?

Also it's worth enquiring about why the husbands family are still involved.