AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

Okay so….

My DH has no issue at all and I love his is so bloody okay with this. Speaks volumes .

Lots of perspectives here.

I am happy to
admit maybe I seem insecure . It is hard being married to someone who has had a significant relationship with someone for 15 years and shared 3 children . I can admit that.

I have never been competitive- e.g
am not going to start hosting parties left
, right and center !

Everyone is wired differently. I just can’t imagine that is Christmas Day and my son is at home with his wife whilst I am with my other kids , my sons kids and his wx
wife !

This is batshit and I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time OP. In the real world people would find it very very odd that your in-laws aren’t also prioritizing their time with your children who are ALSO their grandchildren! Why are you and your family constantly excluded to benefit the ex?! It’s extremely weird and unusual. I would start planning events and get togethers where you can all get together, all the children and the in-laws (and absolutely do not invite the ex!). The in-laws need to also make an effort for your children and your DH needs to get a fucking grip and point out to them they are excluding their other grandchildren which will cause serious resentment. Why don’t your in-laws arrange a day with all the grandchildren around birthdays or Christmas? Why don’t you? Has this happened as the ex was the only one ever organizing things?

Also, would the children be with you if they weren't at the celebration? Or would they still be with their mum regardless? Because if they would then DH's family aren't contributing to him not seeing them.
Sorry if I have missed it but how old are the children?

I’m think you’re annoyed at the wrong person. She is inviting her children’s aunts, uncles and grandparents. If you want to be involved in the parties, host your own.

it is entirely up to your husbands family to attend, it isn’t mandatory. They are choosing to

But some people like having parties and then just invite everyone to them? It’s not that hard to understand. The grandparents can say no. If they have no plans that they attend every one of her parties, then surely they’ll come to yours as well. Just have a party! Unless you don’t like hosting parties, then that’s a different issue!!

I’m amazed how people don’t see how unkind this is towards OP’s children, who are basically excluded from all events their Dad’s family attend. It’s not normal.

I also think this is a you problem OP.

She was part of their family for 15 years and obviously was very close to them all. Did you expect her to cut them all off just because she and her husband split up?

Of course she is not arranging her social life and that of her children to spite you. She is not doing it to “ stop your husband seeing his children “, what an odd way to look at it.

There is nothing to stopping and your partner arranging social events for him and his children during the 50% of the time I assume they live with you. Why doesn’t he do that ?

His ex wife is socialising with those who were once her family and who are still her close friends and the blood relatives of her children. It sounds like they are all very close, which must benefit her children . As they are also your step children and the half siblings of your own children , you’d think you be happy for them .

TBH you are the one who sounds a bit controlling, trying to dictate how she runs her own life .

Hosting parties isn’t competitive. I think you need to change your mindset there. She likes parties, maybe you don’t. Parties aren’t a competition! Could you suggest a different activity if you don’t want to host? Trip to a park, zoo, museum, or similar?

But the dad isn’t there either? I wouldn’t expect my husband’s ex-wife to invite my children to a party if their father wasn’t even invited. That would be more odd. I would have my own party, invite my children and family, my step children and family, and some friends.

Agree.

Maybe DH family have eased off the amount of time they spend with ex wife, perhaps they're already declining half the invitations she issues.

Have you thought about hosting a party at your place for the children and in laws?

Yeah it's weird, to invite them to occasional things like dcs birthday /Christmas but every time she throws a party is just odd

Your inlaws and her husband are also odd for being OK with this .

How old are his children?

Bloody ridiculous I say that his ex has been handed the monopoly on the children's time and on all special occasions: he's obviously quite happy with this set up, because there doesn't seem to be a court order in place, and 2/14 is the bare minimum a non-resident parent can actually, well, parent.

No wonder his family get invited to all the parties and special occasions: and go. If he's never stepped up as a father and created his own traditions with the children on special occasions, there's nothing to host...

If they are bagsying all the special occasions then DH should speak to his parents about splitting their time between all their grandchildren. I think coming to yours for a bbq and not eating much then heading off to hers later is quite rude. I can understand why this is hurtful. I think it is fine for her to invite them to things but i find it weird your inlaws aren't considering your family too since you say you have a good relationship with them. And i still think his brother accepting her throwing a party that your dh won't be at is very strange.

They stay here 2 nights out of 7. Come
over whenever they fancy for dinner . Kids adore their dad.
Kids teenagers so like being at home in their rooms . They live in a beautiful home as DH happily walked away from it so his children Could stay in it. He is a lovely bloke . I am the one who finds this all odd.
when I asked DH why this doesn’t bother him /
he just said that his parents don’t want to rock the boat so go along and who is he to stop it all ! He is happy. The kids are happy. It’s me who is questioning it.

I find it strange too
. I wonder if people feel
obliged to go to every event . Does
DH feel he can’t say no .

but I’ll never know!!

@Cocolocobaby would you and your husband consider hosting a party and inviting the children's mum? Maybe if you offer the olive branch first she might get the idea you are as approachable as the rest of the tribe.

I wouldn't like it and to me it seems unkind, her excluded you (no threat to her) the children's father and her children's siblings. It's either very innocent or very callous. Can your husband speak to her along the lines of can you invite us, then you will be able to tell if this behaviour is unkind or without thinking

YABU, why on Earth do you think she should invite you? How strange.

Why didn't you or your husbands family organise a meal for your brother in law? Then your husband's ex would be too late?

YANBU. His family are being very weird not advocating for his inclusion, but that’s on him to say.

I do like @McKenzieFriend001 ’s idea to host something and invite her.

Because they are her children's family and were her family for over 15 years and it sounds like they all love her. That's not something you just throw away.
However much you want to, you cannot just whitewash her out of your in-laws life.
Host your own parties when it's your husband's weekends with the children and keep your neb out of her relationship with the in-laws.

I do not find ex's actions odd at all.

She has a relationship with your DP's family that is independent of him. The relationship grew over 20 years, was made more special by the fact that she doesn't have family nearby, and I imagine is more like friendship now.

Of course she doesn't invite you and your DP. It would be quite unusual to invite your xh and his wife to your party.

I think they probably really love her don't you, and enjoy her company. If they didn't, they'd make an excuse and say no. Maybe they'd think twice if their son or gc were unhappy about it but they're not.

If it makes you jealous and cross that they spend special occasions with her, get your invitations out first.

A lot of posters are saying you are the one who is unreasonable but in real life I don't know anyone who is in a situation like this.

It would be down to the DH to ensure his family had a continued relationship with his children.

It sounds like they like her and her husband's company.
The children are old enough to choose for themselves where they spend special occasions.