AIBU or should DH’s ex back off ?

[Cocolocobaby]

I Married my husband 4 years ago. He has 3 children with his ex. He was with ex partner 15 years. His ex has few family members in the UK.

The issue for me is that My husbands ex hosts events which me and DH aren’t invited to but all my in laws are invited too.
E.g - BBQs, Christmas parties, Birthday Parties, Summer parties, Platinum Jubilee, Easter lunch .
These parties are basically just her, her new husband and my in-laws.

I find it sad that she invites my husbands family but not us . I understand she has known my husbands family for many years and they are her children’s grandparents and aunts and uncles but I find it so frustrating that my husband and I are not invited .

For example , It is Christmas Eve and we can’t see in-laws as they are going to a
Meal at husbands ex house which we aren’t invited to.
I know DH would absolutely love to attend as he wants to see his children as much as possible. We are just around the corner but on our own as we haven’t been asked along.

My husband has no problem with this and is just happy his children have a great relationship with his family. He is happy his ex has his family to support her.

I have a great relationship with my husbands family and we do all meet up together. His parents are extremely welcoming to me and I adore them . They are really lovely people .

So here is my issue .
I feel that his ex won’t let go of DH’s family and I wish she would move on . It seems (to me) slightly competitive that she will host a party so that DH and I will be excluded . E.g - she will have an Easter Feast - meaning DH and I can’t see his family or his children as we won’t be invited to the party.

She is remarried . So why does she keep inviting DHs family over ? I wonder if her new partner always wants her exs family over?

I can’t work out if i ABU or if husbands ex is just being manipulative or if she is doing nothing wrong !? On occasions when I did meet her she was very rude to me . I ignored this but I immediately felt she had an agenda.

Next week BIL is over from France for 3
nights in UK. The one night he is in town - We have been told that husbands Ex is hosting a dinner party for everyone but of course me and DH aren’t invited ! It’s DHs bloody brother !!!

I don’t want to become obsessed and bitter . I have a lovely Husband and children ( 3 myself with DH) and my in-laws are lovely to me .

You can’t stop her having a relationship with them but yanbu to always feel excluded, especially as you have your own DC. This must be confusing for them.

I think it’s not that you’re being excluded from her events that is the issue but that you’re all being excluded from celebrating with your own family.

Start hosting your own things, if they decline because they traditionally go to the ex’s house then I’d tackle it head on and have a chat about it.

Alternatively, this could be an opportunity to simply celebrate with the family on your side and leave them to it.

I think you really don’t want to have to start socialising with the ex.

Extended family are important for kids. She might be a bit weird but she has her priorities in the right place.

On the days you have their kids do you invite the family around to spend time with them?
Because it seems a bit odd to complain that they go to the exs parties to see hheir grandchildren if that's the only chance they get.
Surely sometimes birthdays etc fall on your days with them? What do you arrange for them then?

I think there are lots of insecurities you face about yourself (but I also get why!)
but I think it is you who need to back off at the end of the day.

I don't think it's about being second best, but she has been a hige part of their lives for much longer. It's nice there is a good relationship between the ex and grandparents, you just have to build your own and make it strong.

Re the event- again it;s actually nice she did hers in the evening so they could come to you and then to see her, rather thsan let's say do them at the same time and have them pick where they would go. She clearly does not want either your DP nor you around, which may be a blessing in disguise.

Op I think this women is batshit crazy.

I love my ex in-laws and they live my Dd but this is levels of bat shittery that would drive anyone mad.

I would have a word with in laws ?

I disagree with pp saying you or dp need to have a word with the in laws and put a stop to it.

It just seems so mean spirited to look at people who love each other, and enjoy spending time together, and want to make them feel bad about it.

Wouldn't it feel like a more positive move to just start inviting them to things yourself?

I can see why the ex invites her children's relatives to their birthdays etc. And I can accept that she and the in-laws like to socialise together.
If she is adult and modern enough to do that then I can't see why it would bother her at all if she invited her children's father, half siblings and stepmother to their birthday parties.

It is not odd that you are not invited to all the parties but it is odd that (given the ex always has the kids for birthdays and Christmas) you and your husband and children are not invited to those special days along with all other relatives of her children.

You could invite her to a birthday every now and again.
You could have your husband ask for his kids every second birthday.
Did your relationship start before the ex and your husband split up? Is there a back story as to why you are excluded from all gatherings?
How would you feel if you attended a party with her?
Do your small children ever invite their half siblings to their birthday?
If so, do you invite their mother?

It is unusual but I think if you all can get on and socialise then all the better for all the children for the rest of their lives.

Your husband definitely needs to start claiming his children's company on some of the special days. That would balance things up massively. I don't quite understand why he doesn't share these special days? Then party's and gatherings would naturally balance out better.

YANBU, it seems like she is doing this deliberately. I get it, I see through it. She is scheming and vengeful. You also seem to have a DH problem. You need to speak to him and make him understand how you feel. Also speak to your PIL about how sad you are that you feel his ex monopolises all the holidays and you'd love to have holidays with them. She is deliberately ostracising your DH from his own family. It's not on. You need to speak up, even if it ruffles some feathers.

No she isn't, he isn't bothered about seeing his children on special occassions, this is the only chance the grandparents get to share these events with them. It's not up to OP to do anything, especially not to discuss the fact holidays are monopolised- her DH should have done that long ago.

That was my first reaction, that you need to get your invitations in first for parties you host yourself for your DH's and your own families. I wouldn't go so far as inviting the ex and her family as well, though, to be honest!

I agree. If you have the children for 2 days out of 7 then you MUST have them on some days near their birthdays, Christmas , Easter and summer. So if your husband wanted to ,he could just arrange social events on these days and invite his family. But, as you says he doesn’t want to.

It sounds like she spent their whole marriage doing all the wifework of keeping in touch with his family, organising and hosting all these events for him and his children to see their extended family. Clearly they are all close and love her.

Yet now they are no longer married you seem to think that he should still continue to benefit from this arrangement , that she should do the work of hosting and he ( and his new partner and her kids ) should be invited along. You sound extremely entitled and a bit batshit .

You now have hundred of posts telling that if you want to host social events for your partners family, just do it. Or let him do it.

But you’ve been clear that you don’t want to. You and he CBA with the work involved . You just want his ex to go on doing the work for both or you to benefit from.

When he and his ex wife split up, he stopped benefitting from all her hard work, building relationships and the time and money she spends hosting these events. That’s what happens when you separate / divorce.

She is making all the effort to keep her kids / your step kids in touch with their extended family. But rather than appreciating what she does for them, you resent it .

You are trying to control other people.

You don’t get to control them or her because you have a wedding ring.

You don’t get to tell your partner’s family who they are allowed to socialise with.

You don’t get to tell his ex wife what she does with her time.

You don’t get to decide who she invited to her social events .

You don’t get to control what she does with her kids during the 62% of their lives that she has them.

Just concentrate on what you do with the kids in the 28% of time you have them and let her lead her own life.

I changed my mind as I read your posts, OP. At first I thought you were being silly expecting to be invited, but then I read about BIL and the sheer amount of parties/events, and I get where you’re coming from.

I still don’t think you should be invited but I do think you have good reason to suspect this woman is doing something underhand. She’s potentially sabotaging the relationship your children have with your DH’s family and purposely bagging them for each and every event.

However - your in-laws don’t need to accept. If they were ‘busy’ a few times, she might ease off. But more importantly than that, you and your DH need to stand up for your DC. Organise your own events. Think ahead, be strategic, be ever so nice about it, but hold your ground, or, rather, actually take your ground. Do not invite ex. Have your own meals and parties. Invite your DH’s children but not her.

She’s trying to claim her ex in-laws as hers. She’s trying to keep you in the background - and you and your DH are letting her.

This. What are the custody arrangements? It sounds like she has the lion's share and your DH has them EOW or something.

If he wants to see them more on special occasions, he needs to increase his involvement and organise his own parties.

Also, why do people think it's your job to organise events on special occasions for your DH's children. He's the one who needs to show some initiative here for HIS children! If he won't then that's on him.

am not going to start hosting parties left
, right and center !

Thats what makes you unreasonable

You don’t want the in laws and children to spend more time and more occasions with you - you just want them not to be there.

My ex in laws often come to me for special occasions. It’s their chance to spend time with my two DDs on those days. My ex doesn’t bother with any of them.

Funnily enough he moans as well that it’s unfair, but apparently not unfair enough for him to organise a birthday get together or christmas gathering…

if you and your DH want to spend occasions with your in laws then invite them. Don’t expect them to not spend (long standing) time with your step children just because you’ve not organised anything for your children,

One of the OPs gripes is that her children are missing out - that’s why people are telling her to organise things

She’s the one bothered by it.

If your husband, in laws, kids and ex are atotally fine with it then there is nothing you can do nor should do. I agree it is weird. It's one thing to be in good terms but it's another to spend Christmas together and not see other grand kids or their own child. It is also weird that BIL comes to town to see his family and has a quick coffee with his brother so he can make it to a dinner to his brothers ex partners house. But since all the main players involved think it's totally normal then just let it all play out. Just concentrate on making holiday memories with your husband and your children.

Cocolocobaby I’ve been thinking and my opinion would change if there’s any chance your DH’s family have a toxic dynamic. Is your DH the black sheep or scapegoat of the family?
if so then the relatives are doing this deliberately.
I have a friend whose family is dysfunctional and this sort of situation would be because of the fucked up boundaries and attitudes of the people involved,

In your situation I'd be fine, their choices are on them and at least you and DH are excluded together.

It could be a lot worse. DPs family could be inviting the ex everywhere with DP in attendance and you been excluded and sat at home on your own because the ex is there.. but that's my current situation, but it does lend a different but similar experience to what your currently going through.

Honestly if DH is happy and you get on well with the in-laws have a conversation about splitting holidays so DH is included in some etc...

So are the three kids OP has with her husband.

It's great that she has maintained family relationships, but ffs, she's pushing her ex and her children's half siblings out of their own family.

She should either include them (if she's so into maintaining family relationships) or back the fuck off just once or twice a year so that perhaps all SIX of her ex's children have some shared memories of family get togethers when young.

I think it depends if she was the one who facilitated contact with their grandkids and the father was never that fussed then I don't blame them. It sounds like he wasn't fussed about trying to be in kids lives more by fighting for 50/50 and walking away leaving the home whilst you think was lovely of him, more sounds like he cba with having the kids 50/50 and preferred to have 5 nights to himself. It sounds the family get to see their grandkids more this way whereas if your DH only has them 2 nights a week and then this doesn't fall over occasions you would host them I can see why they want to keep a strong relationship going with the mother of their grandchildren. Why didn't he go to.court for 50/50 access? That's what I'd be expecting in place then maybe the family wouldn't feel the need to stay in contact with the ex.

Has the ex wife always done this? Did she plan and host all parties/get togethers for the time her and your DH were together? If so, it may just be that nobody else can be arsed to put the effort in and they’re quite happy for her to carry on organising everything.

It does seem strange and your feelings are perfectly understandable but I think the solution here would be for you/your DHs family to host sometimes and invite everyone.

I agree with this.

I have a question @Cocolocobaby . You and your partner have three kids together - is that right ? So you have 5 birthdays a year, on dates that are nothing to do with his ex.

Do you arrange parties on all of these 5 dates and invite your families (including all his 6 children of course )? Do his family attend all these events that you invite them to?

Do you invite his ex ( and her husband ) as well as her children? Because you say in your OP that you want her to invite you both to her parties, so surely you should set that precedent by inviting them to these parties at your own home.

You say you find it frustrating that she doesn’t invite you and your partner . Yet you have said nothing about events that you host and invite them to.

If you want things to change , why haven’t you been inviting her?