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Original poster

Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

302 replies

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 04:13

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

OP posts:
Sara198 · 28/05/2023 04:16

It is down to you as an adult who you want to be in your life if you don’t want her to be and you have your reasons that’s down to you

your mum is obviously wanting her daughters to get along and maybe your mum struggles with it as maybe your sister asks her to get you to see her

your not being unreasonable but also co aider your mums probably stuck in the middle being asked one thing by you and one thing by her other daughter so tries to accommodate both

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 04:24

Thank you so much for @Sara198, she does feel stuck in the middle definitely. She just wants us all to get along, she wants our kids to know each other but I can't possibly let that happen, We had a family celebration tonight and I could tell from the conversation she wished this girl was there. It hurts because I'm ALWAYS there. I'm just hurting right now I think, I love my Mum, this girl has been so awful to her, and now I'm expected to be positive about this relationship. It knocks the wind out of my sails a bit and just makes me sad x

OP posts:
Normalmumandwife · 28/05/2023 04:32

YANBU.
I have been there (still am) and it is a decision you make that is best for you and your family. I had the same constant snipes, and sad expressions of "I just wish you would get along and be together". I simply don't wish to see her as we are so different and i dislike how she behaves etc.

The only way it will stop is despite your mother experiencing her behaviour is cooly and calmly explain that you understand her wishes, but don't impose them on you. In addition, don't set up artificial accidental meets expecting you will greet each as long lost loving sisters.

We still attend important family events but I restrict it to being a polite acknowledgment and never rise to her baiting. It isn't easy as parents will always see the one who behaved badly as somehow the victim as you don't want contact. Good luck

suburbophobe · 28/05/2023 04:32

I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

You have every right to make that decision.

It's called self-care.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 28/05/2023 04:33

I understand how you feel and I don't think you have to have your sister in your life. I know your mother can't help wishing for everyone to be close, you are both her children whom she loves.

HoppingPavlova · 28/05/2023 04:41

You have an absolute right to step back and not have your sister in your life, no issues with that and sounds like it would be best. However, refers g her to ‘that girl’ in the context of your mum is just wrong. She is your mums daughter. Even if you don’t want to refer to her as your sister, which is fine, in context of talking about your mum it should be ‘her daughter/mums daughter’.

Whatisityoucantface · 28/05/2023 05:10

You say your mum wants you to meet her. Does she want to meet you? Has she apologised for past behaviour? Has she changed? If not, then don’t bring her back into your life!

Achwheesht · 28/05/2023 05:32

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 05:33

Thank you all so much for replying, it means a lot, I felt very on my own this morning.

I know my feelings are irrational, no matter how awful this woman is, I know it’s better that Mum is involved, for the child’s sake. Mum is also her mother (even though she’s been treated as less than shit by her). I just see how much this girl drains her, how much my Mum worries about her and how she always hopes she cab get her shit together. I’ve given up obviously

Selfishly, it bugs me. I see my Mum (and her husband who I adore) 4+ times a week minimum, I look after them, their dog, I just genuinely love and care for them. It just hurts me (irrationally) when she speaks well of this girl, who has done nothing to support them EVER.

Sorry…conversations tonight just got to me a bit and I had to vent, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 05:36

@Whatisityoucantface apparently she wants to meet and 'make amends'... there's nothing she could do in my eyes to make amends and my life has been so much better without her in it. I can't allow myself to be sucked into her drama again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 05:45

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Apparently she does want to meet me, she wants our DC to know each other. I would freaking love a nephew! I'm a boy Mom and would love another boy to add to the tribe... but I don't want anything to do her. It's really sad for me, but I can't take the risk of letting this girl back in my life.

What's sad for me right now (and something I will never stand in the way of) is that Mum is spending more time with them, now that the step sister 'allows' it after all this time (because she's single, broke and looking for money), and I just feel gutted. I'll never raise this though, I know how important it is for Mum to have this relationship.

I'm stuck on the half sister bit because thankfully, she's just that, a half sister.

OP posts:
Achwheesht · 28/05/2023 05:47

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Hillrunning · 28/05/2023 05:47

While you have every right to have or not have a relationship with a sibling, I couldn't help notice that the language you use about her is very cutting. 'This girl' beign used in stead of 'sister' seems very demonising. She absolutely is your sister, you share a parent and were brought up together. That doesn't mean you have to have a relationship now but is that sort of language helping your own state of mind or just fueling the negative feelings?

Achwheesht · 28/05/2023 05:49

This reply has been deleted

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ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 28/05/2023 05:50

HoppingPavlova · 28/05/2023 04:41

You have an absolute right to step back and not have your sister in your life, no issues with that and sounds like it would be best. However, refers g her to ‘that girl’ in the context of your mum is just wrong. She is your mums daughter. Even if you don’t want to refer to her as your sister, which is fine, in context of talking about your mum it should be ‘her daughter/mums daughter’.

This

ArdeteiMasazxu · 28/05/2023 06:03

It's true that you have every right to choose who you want in your life, but you do also need to understand that maintaining a barrier between you and your half-sister is putting a huge emotional energy load onto your mum, who you seem to love and care for. It's astonishingly difficult to maintain mental barriers between different compartments of ones life if two people you love aren't on speaking terms. I am not disbelieving you that the half-sister has been totally awful I am just focusing on the effect that the ongoing rift has on your mum.

I am not surprised that your mum is keen for the divide between you to be mended. Even a civil but arms-length and low-contact relationship between you would be better for your mum than the current situation. If you can't countenance that, is there anything else you can do to help your mum's distressing situation?

As for your half-sister"s kids - they didn't choose their mum and if she's really an awful person they wil be dealing with some trauma too. A little compassion for them perhaps?

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 06:06

@Achwheesht didn't resent her father when I was young but grew to understand what he was. He let me know in a very hurtful way that he didn't care about me, but this honestly didn't have any effect on my relationship with her at all. I tried my very best to continue our relationship.

@Hillrunning my language is probably indicative of my feelings towards her. She is just 'that girl' to me. If I were begin to describe the ways she has hurt me, my son (and my Mum) you would be reading for days. I have honestly tried, I tried so hard for years with her, and she just threw ti back in my face every time.

@Achwheesht Mum does love her equally... which is why I'm struggling a bit. I want this for my Mum, I really do. She deserves to be a part of her DGC lives... but now that my half sister is broke and needs help and deems it acceptable for my Mum to be in their lives, Mum just jumps for her and honestly, it's pissing me off. (I do not rely on my Mum for any childcare btw, I'm purely talking about her spending more time with this step sister)

OP posts:
Ace56 · 28/05/2023 06:07

Yes, stop referring to her as ‘this woman’ or ‘this girl’ - it just adds to the dislike of her in your head. Even in the title of the thread with ‘sister’ in inverted commas - well, she is factually your sister whether you like it or not. Can we know what it is she actually did?

You have every right to not want her in your life, but you have no right to dictate what your mum does. It’s her daughter.

febrezeme · 28/05/2023 06:12

Depends on what the "unforgivable things" were doesn't it as to whether you are just being melodramatic. Your mum obviously doesn't think they were unforgivable

Wale90 · 28/05/2023 06:13

Me and my siblings went NC with a brother 7 years ago. He did some unforgivable and hurtful things to my parents.

They continue to see him and his children (understandably), his children are old enough to understand and respect why this happened and we still see them independently.

There was a good 1-2 years where my folks encouraged us to all meet up, or pretended it would all be fine but we didn't back down.

They haven't mentioned it in years now, it just is what it is. He sacrificed his family and the responsibility lies at his door, it's not ours to try and pretend everything is fine when non of want a relationship with him.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 06:14

@Ace56 would never, ever, get in the middle of my Mums relationship with her daughter, absolutely not, I would never try to dictate that. There was a conversation with Mum this evening that upset me, I kept it to myself and was supportive of her at the time tonight, but now I'm here because I feel like shit and I'm upset and need to know how to navigate this. I know this girl is only giving Mum the time of day now because she's left her partner and needs money... which Mum is bloody giving her

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 28/05/2023 06:17

I understand that the language is indicative of how you feel, it will also be further fueling how you feel. Sort of setting you in a vicious circle. One where you are hurting yourself. She doesn't get impacted by these words, you do. All I'm suggesting is for you to stop further hurting yourself.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 06:18

Wale90 · 28/05/2023 06:13

Me and my siblings went NC with a brother 7 years ago. He did some unforgivable and hurtful things to my parents.

They continue to see him and his children (understandably), his children are old enough to understand and respect why this happened and we still see them independently.

There was a good 1-2 years where my folks encouraged us to all meet up, or pretended it would all be fine but we didn't back down.

They haven't mentioned it in years now, it just is what it is. He sacrificed his family and the responsibility lies at his door, it's not ours to try and pretend everything is fine when non of want a relationship with him.

Thank you @Wale90 for sharing... some things are just unforgivable aren't they? Mum isn't hugely pushy about us rekindling a relationship but you can see in her eyes, and from the subtle things she says, that it breaks her heart a bit that her family aren't all together. And I absolutely blame my half sister for this. But I know that my, and my son's, lives are so much better without this half sister anywhere near us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 06:22

Thank you so much @Hillrunning you're 100% right. Thank you for calling this out. I've gone many years without having to reference her because she chose to be absent so maybe I'm struggling to refer to her. I'll definitely think about the language I use and how it's affecting my own well being

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 28/05/2023 06:22

I do know what this feels like BTW, my eldest brother treated my parents terribly, wasted their own life, ruined many many other people's lives. I didn't grow up with him and he has a different father but I found much more peace when I made the effort to stop referring to him as 'him' and use 'my brother' instead and remind myself that my mother was a grown up who had the right to decide how she let other people treat her.

When my mum pushed for us to be in touch I just gently said, I am so pleased he is doing well but we are just different people these days. And left it at that