Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

I don't think you can be surprised at your sister being back in touch with her mum, she is the only mum she has. Presumably in her view, things have gone wrong for her, she's going through a bad time and needs the support of her mum.

Your sister obviously won't see herself as you do and you can't expect your mum to either. I think you need to let go of the sense of injustice that you have with your mum trying to keep hold of a relationship with her. Of course she will want contact with her child and grandchild, as you would.

Why do you think your sister is the way she is and when did it start?

Without having any information, calling her 'this girl/woman' reflects quite badly on you OP. If you talk to people about this IRL, I imagine you will be making them feel a bit uncomfortable and unsure around you. I think you need to work through it a bit and try to let go of those feelings. They're really bad for you and not serving any purpose.

I appreciate this post so much @Weallgottachangesometime thank you.

Yes, right now I don't mind hearing about her. I have supported my mother through this latest drama with her daughter and have offered some really good advice, helped in finding houses etc but I knew it was going to lead to questions about us rekindling a relationship which will never happen.

And yes, I'm angry. There's no two ways about it. I love my Mum, I've seen this adult human female shit on her time and time again, I've been there to pick up the pieces time and time again and now there's a relationship between them, the close relationship me and my son had with my parents is affected, so yes I'm angry. I've not shown this to anyone obviously, been the supportive daughter etc but I'm angry

Ah, I just saw this. She’s physically violent towards men. That explains your feelings.

To be honest, I read your first post and thought you just sounded like you were massively jealous and put out because she’d done something like stolen your boyfriend.

Physical violence isn’t acceptable and I hope she’s going to anger management.

'sister'
Step sister
This girl

Tbh you don't sound very nice either. She is actually your sister. Half sister sure, but a sister.
You said you're mid 30s and she's 6 years younger so she's late 20s. Definitely not a girl.

I think it's very odd that you extend the use of your cold language to your nephew, he is an innocent child and he has done nothing wrong.

Your DM wants to spend time with her DD and her DGCs. Even if your sister is a total bitch as you say, there are children involved and your DM will want to see them and possibly help them financially. Don't make it difficult for your mother to see them, you just have to accept that you don't have your DM to herself anymore and if you cannot stand to see your sister then you are going to have to call before popping over.

That's probably really good advice @RosettaTheGardenFairy, it hurts that my relationship Ive out so much time, effort and love into can be derailed on the whim of this adult human female, and that I'll have to explain to my DC why we don't see my parents as much anymore, but your advice is sound x

I'm also for protecting myself from people who have hurt me but the child? well he is your nephew and your children's cousin and it's wrong not to see him. you're not letting your children have an important relationship in their lives. and don't give me that " he can do what he wants when he's 18" nonsense, let them see each other now so they can build a relationship and make a history

Yes, exactly @Zanatdy, she's a half sister, different father. Even though we were raised in the same house, I wouldn't consider her a sister. I've never met her child so wouldn't consider him a nephew.

I was thinking the same as 5128gap. I very much doubt that you are really happy for your mum, which is 100% understandable. I guess you’re trying hard to be happy for her, but are both frustrated that her presence is interfering with your own relationship with your parents and are probably feeling worried for your mum because it feels pretty certain she is going to be hurt again.

But I think it’s very wise to consider what you will do when there are family occasions where she does turn up. I see she didn’t come to your relatives’ funerals, which was probably a relief, but it’s worth considering in advance how you will deal with it, if and when it does happen.

If your mum was having a big birthday celebration and asked both of you, for example, if you refuse to go, you risk being seen as the awkward one by your mum. You might also regret not going afterwards, as Zazaz described. So while I fully understand your need to remain absolutely at arms length, it is worth considering whether you need to make some exceptions in order to preserve your own relationship with your parents.

You have my sympathy as it is awful watching someone manipulative invading and being unable to influence it. You can only control your own response though. I hope you can find some peace.

In your shoes I would meet your sister on her own. Keep your mum out of tentative bridge building. A lot has happened to her in 6 years. She's had a child and a relationship has ended. Six years have passed. Do you really still feel that you can never repair things?
I do 100% understand it's not always possible. I have been scapegoated out of my family and the only way back in is to collapse in the narrative that I'm mad/mad and they are without flaw. I can't do it, and they can't take accountability for decades of projection, defensiveness, silent treatments and gaslighting and word salad when they rarely talk to me. So believe me, I know it's not easy.. but six years have passed. I hope I don't care enough about how shit they are in six years.

I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds awful.

The people on this thread who are criticising your use of language obviously have not spent time around people like this. Most people who have not come into contact with this level of dysfunction tend to think situations like these can be solved with a bit of understanding and a friendly chat.

I would just bide your time and wait for her disappear again.

Cheers for the laugh @PrimalOwl 🤣🤣🤣

My thoughts are that a break from seeing your mother would really help you.Do you have a holiday coming up with your son?Gradually distance yourself so you no longer have to witness the drama with your sister’s behaviour.The more you hear about it the more it will take over your life and your mental health will really be affected.It is painful I know to see how your mother is being treated but what can you do about it? Nothing you say will make a difference at the moment.Get out and about this summer with your son and enjoy new experiences and new friendships.Good luck,this will pass.

If your Mum is in the middle it is because she has put herself there.

She has chosen to have a relationship with her daughter which you respect.

She needs to respect your choice not to.

I would have to step back.

You will no doubt be there/be expected to be there if it all goes tits up again.

If this woman is violent, are you sure your nephew is safe?

I appreciate you didn't want to list a whole heap of issues you have with her in your op, but i think this is crucial info & something that for most would be a solid reason to refuse to have anything to do with her. You say "her partners", so she's a serial, violent abuser?

Has she undergone any treatment/therapy? Do you have concerns your Mum might be at risk?

I've been doing this. I now have to call before I pop in to check in with Mum, not ideal, but I do it. I have done nothing but support my Mum with this most recent relationship with her daughter, offered advice, helped to find them housing, shared my recommendations on childcare etc. I've honestly never expressed my hurt to Mum, I've been there like I always have been. I've bottled all my own feelings up.

Doesn't mean I'm not hurt, angry etc that's why I'm venting and seeking advice from the people on this forum,

I really don't know why people are so hung up on what you call your Sister on here, it's clouding the issue which is you've been NC with her and would prefer to stay that way.
I have a family member like your Sister Op so I understand, people think you should forgive and forget but that's your choice, not theirs.
If you could meet her once for your DM that would be a kindness but with the absolute understanding that you're not committing to any further contact unless you want it

I agree with others on the thread that calling her that woman or your "sister" is a type of splitting. I dont want to be accused of cod psychology as I'm very much patient and not therapist, but I do recall my first therapist referring to the ability to ring fence what it is about somebody's behaviour that you can't tolerate without demonising them. I used to be able to do that about my mother and then she just hurt me more and more, I did demonise her for a while, and her me but time passes and eventually I just feel a bit more detached from the madness. It is incredibly difficult though. It's a process. Thinking of her as merely that woman must help you in some way in the short term, but long term, it is what it is.

I would love nothing more than to pull this child into the embrace of my family @tallsmallmum but it's not something I can do... it's what's best for my own family and probably him once his mother eventually throws another fit and pulls him away. I just can't get involved

Dear OP

I would pack this thread in soon, the victim blamers will be out in force as it’s getting later.

I think that for your own peace of mind , you need to try and forgive her her past offences. Forgiveness is a great blessing to the person who forgives, it gets rid of the festering resentment which can eat away at us and add to the pain of the original offence. It sets us free.

This doesn’t mean that you have to see or meet or support her, although if you have managed to forgive her, it may be less stressful . The Catholic Church in confessional have a piece of advice ‘Avoid the occasion for offence’. If you do feel so strongly about meeting her, you might use that as an explanation.

re terminology : just pick a name and use it. Then you don’t have to define the person,,or your relationship..

I Hope you can navigate this with a calm spirit.💐

Your mothers other daughter is clearly an abusive user. Your mother however loves her because she’s her daughter rightfully so.

I get that her suddenly coming back because her latest victim has escaped her clutches has now thrown a spanner in the normality of life. Like you’ve said though it’s likely only going to last until she finds a new victim to prey upon.

Draw a line, tell your mum you’re happy for her, you’ve helped as much as you are willing to now, but you don’t wish to engage in any further discussions of her life.

@Meggymoo777 can you afford therapy?
I've spent 5k on therapy in the last 4 years, but it's been worth it, as only my family believe I'm mad, bad, angry, unhinged et cetera. I've been able to compartmentalise my hurt and upset and be happy around my daughter and friends. My daughter and I have a good relationship. My parents have caused me has shown me who I do not want to be. So I guess it hasn't all been for nothing. :-(
If you can afford it I would go for a few sessions, get it all off your chest and feel heard.

Thank you @PriOn1, you're probably right, I'm trying very hard to be happy and supportive and that's what I'm showing my Mum. But of course I'm hurt, upset and angry. Talking it out here is actually helping so much though.

Don't need to consider big family occasions... I've been there for every single one, I've earned my place there and her absence has not been unnoticed by our very large extended family. If she decides to eventually show up, then I'll applaud her for having the balls to face the family to be honest. I really wouldn't make it difficult for her and I mean that.

@LadyH846 That is not at all the case for me. I have had to have contact with a very toxic, malevolent person who harmed me seriously when I was younger.

It is true though, that using language that OP is using to describe her sister, only reflects badly on OP.

Someone in my family used to call their ExH a swear word. He had behaved objectively badly towards her, but it still made me wince and feel incredibly awkward every time. I just thought 'you're better than that.' I couldn't hear anything else she said after that either. It is incredibly distracting and jarring.