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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

302 replies

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 04:13

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 28/05/2023 07:00

Hmm it's like the parable of the lost son, isn't it.
Be careful OP.
Your Mother clearly loves you both equally.
Before long you could become the "bad" one in your mum's eyes. Especially if you start talking about her giving your sister money. Of course she is giving her money. She's her daughter and (she's convinced your mum that) she's struggling.
If you start to tell your mum what she should spend her money on, or continue to point out your sisters faults, then your mum may start to see you as the problem.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 07:01

Beautiful3 · 28/05/2023 06:46

I went through similar with my sister. I felt pressurised by my mother to make up, so I did. But she hadn't changed, we fell out twice more before I cut her off again. It was worse the final time because my children had gotten to know her son. My eldest kept asking to see him. I wish I had never listened to other people. I knew I had originally done the right thing all along. She used to.lie and treat our parents terribly, but they still sung her praises?! It was werid. Last time she visited, she robbed them! But never mind, she's still "family".

I've just said about how much I would love for her son to be a part of my family but it's not something I could ever open myself up to because of the inevitable hurt it would cause... unfortunately your situation is exactly what I'm afraid of. Thank you so sharing @Beautiful3

OP posts:
Aprilx · 28/05/2023 07:05

whumpthereitis · 28/05/2023 06:30

Jesus Christ the cod psychology on this thread. OP is describing her in a neutral way, which considering how negative this relationship clearly was is hardly shocking. She doesn’t have to moderate her language to appease the sensibilities of anyone else.

Op, you don’t owe anyone a relationship with her. Your mother may want it, but she’s going to have to come to terms with the fact it isn’t going to happen. She’s made her feelings known to you, but it’s unreasonable of her to keep pushing it knowing full well how you feel. I would be firm here and tell her you won’t discuss it any further, and while you can accept her decision to reconcile, she doesn’t get to demand you do the same.

I actually agree with the posters who have question the use of “that girl”, it makes me wonder about the OP to be honest and it definitely isn’t a neutral tone, it is aggressive and antagonistic.

Nevertheless even if that was not the case, can we please stop calling an adult women a”girl” in this context. I bet if it was her adult brother she would not be saying “that boy”.

Outofthepark · 28/05/2023 07:07

Hillrunning · 28/05/2023 05:47

While you have every right to have or not have a relationship with a sibling, I couldn't help notice that the language you use about her is very cutting. 'This girl' beign used in stead of 'sister' seems very demonising. She absolutely is your sister, you share a parent and were brought up together. That doesn't mean you have to have a relationship now but is that sort of language helping your own state of mind or just fueling the negative feelings?

Oh FGS she's obviously a complete twat who has crapped on the entire family multiple times. OP is just calling it out.

Just because you're bio related to someone doesn't mean you have to put up with their crap. Call a spade a spade, it's ok! In fact, it's healthy.

kegofcoffee · 28/05/2023 07:07

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 06:37

For those asking what my half sister has done... honestly, I don't think I could list it all, it's far too extensive a list. It wasn't one incident that happened while we were on holiday, those incidents holiday (which put both me and her at risk of serious harm) were just the final straw. She has then gone on to treat my mother like absolute shit, she's hurt her so much and it's broken my heart to see it. This isn't an isolated incident, she's a horrible person

Excuse me if my maths is wrong. But she's 24, the last straw happened 6 years ago when she was 18?

All the inexcusable things towards you were done when she was a child?

A lot changes between your teenage years and mid twenties, especially if you become a mum. I personally am hugely ashamed of who I was as a teenager, I was quietly battling shit and everyone else got the brunt of it. And that person is definitely no reflection on me now, except for shaping me into a better person.

I'd give her a chance to make amends. You can always step back again.

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/05/2023 07:08

I think it’s fine to go no contact with someone you feel is harmful you. you just have to have boundaries with your mum. Decide what those boudaries are and then stick to them and reinforce them.
You said you are happy to hear about her, for her mum to talk about her etc, but don’t want a relationship with her yourself. I’d just find a phrase to use for when your mum pushes for more. A phrase you can repeat and repeat until she gets it. Something like “I’m happy that your relationship with Sue is going well. However I don’t want a relationship with her and I won’t change my mind about that”.

As for her being over your mums a lot, when previously you could visit lots without worrying about seeing her, we’ll I think that’s just something you’re going to have to manage your feelings on. I can understand it feels frustrating but you can do anything about that without putting your mum in the middle. maybe focusing on your sisters child will help it be less painful? Remember that your sister visiting your mum means her child is being supported and getting to have a relationship with their grandparent.

You still sound like you have a lot of anger. I’m not sure what you can do to work on that but it’s almost like you’re allowing your sister to still have a big impact on you even though you don’t see her. I’m not sure how, but finding a way to think less about her and fester on the feelings of “unfairness” doesn’t sound helpful to you either.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 07:09

LadyH846 · 28/05/2023 06:49

Stick to your guns. I have family members like this, who use, take and then discard people.

When this woman is no longer broke and has met another guy, she probably won't have time for your mum anymore and you won't be under pressure to make peace with her.

You've hit the nail on the head @LadyH846 she's single now so she's looking for support and money. But this woman is a domestic abuser, think police and ambulances (more time than anyone could possibly count), stitches and even causing broken bones to her partners. Once she finds another poor man to leech off she'll drop my mother again I can be sure.

OP posts:
Woman2023 · 28/05/2023 07:09

I spend so much time with my Mum and her husband (my parents), we cook together, play music together, drink wine and laugh together, I prioritise family above everything else...

It's lovely you've got a good relationship with your parents. It does seem like you spend a lot of time with them. If you want to have no contact with your sister but your mum does want to spend time with her you will have to allow space for that.

I know it feels unfair to you, but your mother needs time to see you both separately.

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 28/05/2023 07:09

In your position I would take a step back from your mum for a little while. It sounds like both your dislike of your sister and your resentment/jealousy at her now pulling your mum away are combining to create some really tough feelings for you. I would give yourself a break from it all, don't mention anything to your mum or her husband etc. Just quietly step back and focus on other people and things for a few months. Then come back to it all with a fresh and relaxed pair of eyes and see what their relationship has become. You can then decide how you can fit into that new scene.

Protect yourself and your kids here; this rekindling may go well and it may not, but a little break would likely benefit you all.

BezMills · 28/05/2023 07:11

@Meggymoo777

Yep, I have similar with my brother. I cut him out years ago, and I am very sad about that. But over time it became clear that going NC was the best self-care. He still comes in and out of our mums life, gives her emotional abuse, treats her like shit, etc. But she would never give up on her son, and I really do respect that.
I could go on about my particular situation, but let's just not lol

I feel for you. Do what is right for you. Support your mum. Keep being her rock. I know it is hard when you have to pick up the pieces, that is how it is here too.

Good luck and best wishes to all of you💐

Blossomed · 28/05/2023 07:11

Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 06:22

Thank you so much @Hillrunning you're 100% right. Thank you for calling this out. I've gone many years without having to reference her because she chose to be absent so maybe I'm struggling to refer to her. I'll definitely think about the language I use and how it's affecting my own well being

Whilst obviously this person is your sister, I absolutely understand why you are struggling to use the term. I also very much struggle to use the correct term for what should be a very close family member of mine. Almost like they are undeserving of it and using it feels too good for them and makes me feel a bit nauseous. However, the poster who said that this poss makes it worse, is probably correct. There needs to be a word to correctly address such people 😊

Anyway, thinking about your Mum, I can see how incredibly frustrating it is for you to watch. However, if I was in your Mum’s position and one of my children came back in to my life, I too would no doubt forgive pretty much anything and do whatever I needed to to keep them in my life. Tough from the outside though. Hope it gets easier ❤

Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 07:11

It’s entirely your choice - why do you say ‘nephew’ like that? He is your nephew. Is it because you don’t consider her a true sister as she’s got a different father?

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 07:15

I have half brothers who I rarely see, when I do speak to them it’s about our elderly father. They are no closer to me than someone on the street that I might chat to, i feel no love or closeness to them, and there’s two of their kids that I have never met.
Shes obviously upset you enough to break ties, and I’ve no doubt that she’s not changed. You’re wise to keep it that way. Once bitten……

ExhaustedMuch · 28/05/2023 07:15

I do think you have every right to keep whoever you want out of your life, but I cannot help but also think it is odd (like other posters have suggested) that you refer to her as "that girl", are focused on the half-sister part, and that you will not say what it is that she has done. I honestly cannot imagine really anything that would make me feel about my (half) sisters the way you do about your sister. Just seems weird to me.

FallHappy1 · 28/05/2023 07:17

You have every right to stay NC with your sister.
I've gone very, very low contact with my paternal grandmother. She's a nasty piece of work and a bully. Most of her DC, including my DF, are scared of her and won't call her out on her usual BS. I get pressured quite often by my DF and his side of the family to make more of an effort and take my DC to visit her because "she won't be here forever" and I point blank refuse. The only times I see her now are at family functions, and that's more than enough!
Tell your DM that you're happy that she's happy with the current relationship she has with your sister and that you respect her decision to want a relationship with her, but she also has to respect your decision to not want relationship.

GoodChat · 28/05/2023 07:18

Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 07:11

It’s entirely your choice - why do you say ‘nephew’ like that? He is your nephew. Is it because you don’t consider her a true sister as she’s got a different father?

I don't think the OP cares that she's got a different father. She doesn't recognise her as a sister because the woman doesn't behave like a sister, hence her using the official term.

If they had a good relationship, I'm sure the OP would call her her sister.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 07:21

Zazaz · 28/05/2023 06:58

@Meggymoo777
I get it. I had the same situation with my older sister. Throughout my childhood she went out of her way to make my life a misery in any way she could. There wasn't one particularly unforgivable event, more a continuation of treating me like absolute shit every single time we came into contact. I dreaded family gatherings if she was there and always left miserable and angry.

It dawned on me that I am a successful and intelligent adult with plenty of friends who don't treat me like a piece of shit and why the fuck should I put up with taking this behaviour. I realised I had the choice to not see her if I didn't want to.

I had the same pressure from family in particular my parents "I don't know why you can't just say sorry to each other and move on" - to which my response was what (the fuck) have I got to apologise for? She was the victim and I was the baddie. The issue was, because it was an accumulation of small events and not one singular event, nobody else understood why I'd taken this stance. I was being selfish and dramatic. But cutting ties absolutely improved my mental health. I felt in control of my own life.

I decided to miss a family members big birthday because she was going to be there and I couldn't face putting up with her shit towards me. Unfortunately the family member passed away soon after and I had missed the chance to see them.

This was the point I thought, although not seeing her helps my mental health, I can't let this make me miss out on important things. I decided to start re-attending family gatherings where she was there. I was very cool towards her and avoided conversation where possible. By anticipating that she was probably going to try and make me feel shit, this really helped me blank it out when she tried, rather than rising to the bait. Is this grey rock? I'm not sure but that sort of thing.

It worked and we see each other a couple of times a year at larger family gatherings. I think once she realised her behaviour wasn't having the desired effect on me she basically stopped doing it. The family are happy because they think we're friends. In truth my relationship with my sister is a show for the family but it keeps everyone happy and we can both attend things we need to.

I don't know if this is an option for you as I don't know what she did that was so unforgivable but basically what I'm saying is - could there be an option where you have a very cool relationship for the sake of your mum and both of your children's relationships?

Sorry such a long post and well done if you got to the end!

I got to the end @Zazaz and I thank you so much for sharing your experience.

I would absolutely have no problem with her being at family events but that's another thing.. we have lost two very special family members in the last 2years, both of which my Mum gave end of life care for for many months. It broke my Mum and she is still not recovered, I'm not sure she ever will recover 100%. I helped where I could and provided whatever support I could for my Mum during this time. Did this girl even have the decency to show up for the funerals??? Funerals of her own relatives mind? Of course not.

But now she needs something, or maybe sniffs and inheritance? And she's back... l

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 28/05/2023 07:22

Don’t waste your time with this person. She hasn’t acknowledged or apologised for her horridness. Keep your boundaries.

5128gap · 28/05/2023 07:22

I think you're not being entirely honest with yourself here. You say a few times you're happy for your mum, but you're not really, are you? You think your sister is bad for your mum and that you and your mum would be better without her in your life. You may well have cause for that, but I think its important you own it. At the moment you're doing something very conflicting in trying to 'support' a relationship you really don't. It would be nigh on Impossible to be objective in the situation, or, as you're finding, to avoid getting drawn back in.
My advice to you would be to extend your lack of contact with your sister to exclude the second hand contact you're having via your mum. Tell your mum your sister isn't part of your life and you don't want to hear about her or discuss her. Thst way everyone knows exactly where they stand. If your mum needs support then she is better talking to someone objective with no personal involvement.

Newname2323 · 28/05/2023 07:25

You have every right to cut her out your life, whether people on a forum think it's justified or not. I think YABU to emphasise that she's a half sister or call her the girl, it makes you sound bitter. She's your sister, same mother at that, so it's not like you grew up in different houses.

BezMills · 28/05/2023 07:25

My DB and I have different biological dads but I have never and will never call him my half brother or step brother. Our dad raised both of us (sadly long since passed) after my mum remarried when I was 5.
Ironically my DB will cast out all kinds of shit to hurt me including that I'm not his real brother and our dad wasn't my real dad. He's been so horrendous, but there came a point where he had actually said all the possible nasty things, and there were none left. Now what, repeats, greatest fuckin hits? God I can feel my blood pressure rising!
Calm, calm.
Anyway he is still my brother but other than mum's funeral (hopefully not soon!) and sorting out her things, I won't be seeing him. Nope.

Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 07:27

@Aprilx strange to get hung up on my use of the term 'that girl' and honestly, not even something that I thought about until this thread. However, she's technically an adult human female I suppose so maybe I should refer to her as such from now on. She's not done anything to show she holds, appreciates or respects the responsibility of being a woman though, but if it makes you and others feel better I shall refer to her as 'that adult human female' from now on 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Meggymoo777 · 28/05/2023 07:29

Your maths are wrong I'm afraid @kegofcoffee, I'm mid 30s and she's 30 x

OP posts:
Frankenfickle · 28/05/2023 07:31

It sounds like she was younger than 25 when you stopped talking to her?

Keep in mind that people change enormously over the years and that many older people look back at their younger days and see a different person who made lots of stupid mistakes. This young lady isn’t the same person she was 6 years ago and she won’t be the same person again in 6 years time.

Over the course of a lifetime one of the biggest frustrations for siblings can be when one absolutely refuses to let go of the other’s youthful character and refuses to get to know them as an mature adult person.

PrimalOwl · 28/05/2023 07:35

I think you are jealous, you feel she's taking your dm away which is evident in your tone in your posts. You still have yet to tell anyone even one occassion over several incidents you claim that she has behaved poorly. She was also early 20s at the time. People change and mature. I wonder if your resentment was already there given how her df treated you.