Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

Nobody here can tell you whether YABU or not because we don't know what your sister has done. Obviously your mum doesn't find it "unforgivable" whatever it is.

It's a real shame that your mum will live the rest of her life with the sadness and stress of two children - children she loves equally - not speaking to each other, and it would have to be a pretty extreme set of circumstances for most of us to rationalise that this was worth it. Without knowing the circumstances you're in, nobody here can possibly say.

Calling her " this girl" sounds very antagonistic. She's a blood relative , your sister. And I wonder if there's sone jealousy on your part and thats why you hate the fact that your mother is hapoy to be back in contact. Lots of sisters don't get on, I feel for your mother bur as others sat its your choice whether you see your sister or not.

You sound jealous and melodramatic. Parents' love is unconditional. So your mum will love your sister regardless of her having let her down in the past and regardless of how much of a perfect daughter you think you are in comparison to your sister. Maybe she even loves her a bit more because she considers her more vulnerable and more in need of her support whereas you got your shit together.

Using language like 'that woman' or 'that girl' really doesn't help make you look more rational.

Can I ask his referring to him as your 'brother' as opposed to 'him' helped you? I want to be as far away from my half sister as possible, her now being nearer to me is why I'm here, whinging to you guys on this forum. She's ignored and treated my Mum like shit for years and it was much easier to deal with. But now she's depending on Mum again, and they're working on their relationship (which I really am happy for Mum about) it's much harder to deal with. I feel like a brat having these feelings and I'm flipping mid 30s!

Jesus Christ the cod psychology on this thread. OP is describing her in a neutral way, which considering how negative this relationship clearly was is hardly shocking. She doesn’t have to moderate her language to appease the sensibilities of anyone else.

Op, you don’t owe anyone a relationship with her. Your mother may want it, but she’s going to have to come to terms with the fact it isn’t going to happen. She’s made her feelings known to you, but it’s unreasonable of her to keep pushing it knowing full well how you feel. I would be firm here and tell her you won’t discuss it any further, and while you can accept her decision to reconcile, she doesn’t get to demand you do the same.

You fell out with your sibling over the way they treated your parents - presumably because that caused your parents pain? - but you didn't listen to your parents' pleas over the course of 2 years to make amends, despite the fact that this also caused them pain.

I think sometimes people just get blinded by anger and their desire to inflict a moral punishment on someone, without considering that in the process they are hurting the very people they claim to be outraged on behalf of. It's hard to tell if this is also OP, since she hasn't given details on her situation. Although she does say her sister has done things to her, not just her mum.

@RedHelenB @XelaM thanks for making me smile.... I'm honestly laughing at the jealousy suggestions!!!

For those asking what my half sister has done... honestly, I don't think I could list it all, it's far too extensive a list. It wasn't one incident that happened while we were on holiday, those incidents holiday (which put both me and her at risk of serious harm) were just the final straw. She has then gone on to treat my mother like absolute shit, she's hurt her so much and it's broken my heart to see it. This isn't an isolated incident, she's a horrible person

What did she do on the holiday that 'proves' she is a terrible person? Sounds like whatever it was, it was decisive for you. I personally don't believe that anyone is 100% good or 100% bad. Finding common ground with people, for everyone's benefit, doesn't mean you have a lack of self-worth, but quite the opposite really.

But the actions they took had consequences for us all. They didn't just 'hurt' my parents it affected all of us and the fall out and emotional toll after was awful. It reframed everything about how we perceived our sibling and family relationship.

It wasn't a one off event, it transpired they had been emotionally manipulating and blackmailing our parents. It isn't unreasonable for us to recognise this person as being dangerous and not someone we want to spend time with.

We supported our parents through them navigating a relationship with him but I wasn't going to get hurt again.

You should assume if someone has taken the decision to go NC it isn't without great consideration.

I ask after him and wish no ill will, my parents are not being made to 'choose' it just is what it is...

What does your mother's husband (who you're fond of) think of this situation? Does he think that your half sister is back for all the wrong reasons, too?

I don't think you're wrong OP.
Having this woman in your life would negatively impact you and your family massively - there is clearly a past that no apology would make ok.

Stick to your guns.
I get why you're upset your DM is spending more time with her, too. It means you have to make special effort to avoid her and probably miss out on some events you'd otherwise attend without question.

Do you have any other siblings?

Just tell you mum no. You will not meet her and to stop asking.

id feel exactly the same.

I think having a kind and understandable response to your mum when it's clear it's upsetting her is a good way to handle it.

She'll obviously really want to experience all of you together and happy but your experience is rightly to be cautious.

I would remind her your happy for her to build a relationship, don't ever make it about choosing between you, allow yourself to ask how your sister is and support your mum but remain emotionally uninvested.

Remember, in a year or two if your sister genuinely appears to have changed you can make steps to build bridges, but protecting yourself now is absaloutey fine.

@Wale90 it sounds like you're very much in the same situation as me. Continuing a relationship with this girl was detrimental to my health and the happiness of my family, I had to choose to walk away and I'm so glad I did.

There's a stigma that comes with 'abandoning' familial relationships, blood is thicker than water and all that. But I did what was best for me and my son and I don't regret it for one second.

I suppose my difficulty now is, how do I navigate this now that this girl needs my Mums money and support and has 'welcomed' her back into her life? It is increasingly having an effect on me and my son in terms of when we see my parents. It's pissing me off that I even need to consider they might be at the house before I call, which I would have done 3 or 4 times a week.

I went through similar with my sister. I felt pressurised by my mother to make up, so I did. But she hadn't changed, we fell out twice more before I cut her off again. It was worse the final time because my children had gotten to know her son. My eldest kept asking to see him. I wish I had never listened to other people. I knew I had originally done the right thing all along. She used to.lie and treat our parents terribly, but they still sung her praises?! It was werid. Last time she visited, she robbed them! But never mind, she's still "family".

I would have an honest chat with your DM - you've done alot for her over the years, you suspect that DSis could be after money, but she is your DM's daughter and if she wants to support her that is up to her. However you do not want to get to know her and prefer that you and she are allowed to remain separate and you also do not want to hear about her from DM. It is not a relationship you want involved in. DM can cope with her on her own as it's her choice.

Stick to your guns. I have family members like this, who use, take and then discard people.

When this woman is no longer broke and has met another guy, she probably won't have time for your mum anymore and you won't be under pressure to make peace with her.

She has been utterly horrendous to him and he feels the same as I do I think, we lean on each other a little when it comes to her. But, for the love of my mother, he has supported whatever scraps of a relationship she had thrown my mothers way. He's a good egg

I think you have every right to cut her out, onlu you can know if its reasonable or not without sharing more info on what she did.

But you need to accept that she is your sister. Using different words won't change that.

That does sound tough, it may be a short lived thing, she may be around a lot more indefinitely.

You can only work on yourself and your feelings really, making peace with her being around more is where you should focus...try not to let negative feelings cloud your current day to day life.

She may loose interest, your mum may get hurt but you cannot control that...it gets easier I promise

I'm pretty sure she knows and accepts that she is her sibling but the OP can use whatever words she likes to describe her half sister.

Oh come off it. Describing a 30-year old woman as "this girl" and putting factual family relationships ("nephew") in scare quotes are hardly neutral language, it's coming across as slightly unhinged. I do get the impulse - there been times when I referred to my own "d"sis as "so-called" - but I don't go around pretending this is just the normal function of language rather than an expression of hurt.

The fact of the matter is none of us are in a position to judge given how little actual information OP has given us to go upon. As always in NC/LC conversations I'm struck by how there's a massive amount of projection by posters based on whatever they've experienced in their own lives. It's laughable sometimes - say a SIL said something vaguely unkind at some point and the collective MN reaction is "you should consider going NC with her." Yes, some of those family members may actually be batshit and/or "narcissists" but often it's equally likely it's the OPs themselves throwing a tantrum. In this particular case, given how little we've been told about the actual alkged behaviour, I'm so far unwilling to come off the fence and judge.

I don't have other siblings @GoodChat and I'm honestly the kind of woman that would love this, I spend so much time with my Mum and her husband (my parents), we cook together, play music together, drink wine and laugh together, I prioritise family above everything else... I'd love if I had a sister to be a part of that. And the thought of having a nephew I could steal for weekends away camping with me and DS, days on the beach, afternoons at the cinema etc. would be just amazing, a complete bonus in my life. But I just feel I can't go there. The thought of the hurt that might come makes it not worth the risk which is another sucker punch

@Meggymoo777
I get it. I had the same situation with my older sister. Throughout my childhood she went out of her way to make my life a misery in any way she could. There wasn't one particularly unforgivable event, more a continuation of treating me like absolute shit every single time we came into contact. I dreaded family gatherings if she was there and always left miserable and angry.

It dawned on me that I am a successful and intelligent adult with plenty of friends who don't treat me like a piece of shit and why the fuck should I put up with taking this behaviour. I realised I had the choice to not see her if I didn't want to.

I had the same pressure from family in particular my parents "I don't know why you can't just say sorry to each other and move on" - to which my response was what (the fuck) have I got to apologise for? She was the victim and I was the baddie. The issue was, because it was an accumulation of small events and not one singular event, nobody else understood why I'd taken this stance. I was being selfish and dramatic. But cutting ties absolutely improved my mental health. I felt in control of my own life.

I decided to miss a family members big birthday because she was going to be there and I couldn't face putting up with her shit towards me. Unfortunately the family member passed away soon after and I had missed the chance to see them.

This was the point I thought, although not seeing her helps my mental health, I can't let this make me miss out on important things. I decided to start re-attending family gatherings where she was there. I was very cool towards her and avoided conversation where possible. By anticipating that she was probably going to try and make me feel shit, this really helped me blank it out when she tried, rather than rising to the bait. Is this grey rock? I'm not sure but that sort of thing.

It worked and we see each other a couple of times a year at larger family gatherings. I think once she realised her behaviour wasn't having the desired effect on me she basically stopped doing it. The family are happy because they think we're friends. In truth my relationship with my sister is a show for the family but it keeps everyone happy and we can both attend things we need to.

I don't know if this is an option for you as I don't know what she did that was so unforgivable but basically what I'm saying is - could there be an option where you have a very cool relationship for the sake of your mum and both of your children's relationships?

Sorry such a long post and well done if you got to the end!