Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

Not RTFT but all the '' s seem excessive.

She's your sister, the kid is your nephew.

Fine if you don't want to see them but don't make out they're some randoms trying to pretend to be family

I think you should continue to be supportive of your mum seeing her, in that you say you are pleased that they are building a relationship etc, BUT I think it’s hurting you too much to hear all about her. I think you should tell your mum that you don’t want to hear about her at all. Their relationship is just that - their relationship.

I think you should be honest and say that it actually affects your mental health too much to hear about it. Presumably your mum knows about all the therapy you’ve had. Apologise and say you’d love to see her/talk about her for your mums sake, but you just can’t as it’s just too difficult for you.

If mum keeps bringing her up in conversation, just say nicely “please mum, I don’t want to hear this. I know you want me to want to, but I just can’t.” You can say it nicely.

By not even discussing her, you limit the ability for the whole situation to hurt you. You aren’t dragging up the past all the time for yourself. You be supportive of your mum, in that you never talk negatively about your sister, but you can remove her from being at the forefront of your mind all the time. The only time it has an impact is checking she isn’t there when you visit.

Yes when it all goes tits up, as you know it will, you still need to distance yourself. You don’t need to hear the details. Your mum has her husband to support her for that. Again be supportive but from a distance.

@Meggymoo777

Just a thought, you have a son, can you imagine any scenario in which you would not support him?

Try not to conflate your feelings for your half sister with you thinking that your Mum doesn't think the world of you.

Your Mum will know, for sure, that it'll only be a matter of time before your half sister disappears/causes heartache etc.

You have absolutely no obligation to have a relationship with your half sister.

If you could always make the love, you so obviously have, for your Mum THE priority over the dislike for your half sister, it may ease your pain.

Your Mum knows her other daughter is a cock-up, their relationship does not detract from how she feels about you ma lovely.

Hoping you find your peace.

I totally agree with this comment. It takes a long long time to get to the point @AllAboutTheTent is describing and in my case many years of therapy. I used to have the burning anger you seem to be feeling and it was very destructive to me and my nuclear family. I am now past this.

I also have the perspective as a child as I saw how nc with a sibling, who had wronged my parent ate the family up. Just something to think about from your child’s perspective. I was too young to remember this person when the rift happened but it still had an impact on me due to how this person was talked about, and the anger.

I agree.

There is obviously a lot of jealousy and I imagine there always has been.

I get that you feel annoyed that you’ve done lots for your mum and she hasn’t but tbh that is irrelevant and your mum cares about her just as much as you as you are both her daughters.

Calling a grown woman the girl because you can’t bring yourself to acknowledge that she’s your sister isn’t helping you.
She is your sister and your mum loves her as much as she loves you.

I’m sure she has done some idiotic things in the past (I can’t see any examples) but your mum is happy that she is back in her life and you need to accept that.
It doesn’t mean that you need to be best friends yourself.

Have you ever considered her your sister without the “…”? If not, that would have been a toxic environment for a child to grow up in, with such a resentful older sister in the house.

It has me struck me that if your half-sister’s father was neither a positive nor pleasant presence in your life, maybe your mum has form for expecting you to tolerate abuse/unkindness/unpleasantness for the sake of maintaining her relationships, including a relationship with her younger daughter. And that’s not ok either.

have you worked through any of this with a counsellor?

Sorry @Meggymoo777 I see that you have had lots of therapy.

This. I have existed like this with my sister for longer than i can remember (she is self absorbed & selfish) made more of an effort when my mum was alive to “get along” but it was always initiated by me as she doesn’t care about other peoples feelings. Then my mum died & nothing to do with each other for years but forced to engage again last year after my dad died & still ongoing due to issues with his estate but we won’t see each other again when its all finally sorted.

Ignore the comments it’s hard for your mum but put yourself & ignore any comments - you have your reasons, stick to them as you entitled to do if it makes you happier long term & your life easier.

She doesnt want to make amends, she is hoping to extend her network of babysitters now she is a single mum. You've got her card marked.

If your sister was so keen she would make an effort to apologise herself and youd have heard how she has actually changed for the better over the course of a few years.

The only thing to bear in kind is of your mum ever ends up seriously ill, you will need to be able to be in the same room and civil so perhaps consider how that might work X

Who cares if it reflects badly on her? None of us know her. It's her life and she can use whatever language she likes.

I feel for you OP and don't doubt that your feelings are justified. I do think you are minimising the effect your own words and actions will be having on your mum though. You are definitely affecting her relationship with her other daughter if she can't invite her and her grandchildren to family celebrations. I'm worried this turns around, and you become the problem here. Can you not tolerate her for those events, for your Mum's sake? You may be playing into your sister's hands otherwise if her behaviours have not changed. She may fade away when she meets a new partner, but at least you couldn't be blamed if she does.

what happened when you were on holiday together. What dangerous situation almost occurred? It’s difficult to hold an opinion when the issue is unknown and there’s so much childhood bitterness spilling into your opinion.

I know you’re very negative about your nephew snd niece, however please remember they are innocent in all this. If as you say, your sister is a domestic abuser then these innocent children will need a wider circle of approachable family and friends to keep and eye on them, to be in the background in order to safeguard.

secondly I would forgive my siblings poor teenage behaviour. Teenagers brains function differently. My brothers are different people now in their 40s. Having children helped them mature. Besides on reflection, most of the teen issues between my brothers and I were a result of thoughtless parenting. My parents lack of attention causing a back lash and then a black sheep dynamic. The other thing to consider is that you don’t really know what happened between your sister and her husband. The wounds may have been made by your sister in self defence.

You already have lots of space from your sister and so personally in your shoes I’d attend the odd family do a couple of times a year. I’d be polite, fair, unemotional, steady, non reactive and not divulge any personal information.

also get some counselling as this is clearly eating you up and understanding the psychology and dynamics might help you process things

FWIW, this sort of thing is why I hate the only child stigma. I have a sibling who is also so wrapped up in themself you wouldnt believe. They make it impossible to bond with them because they are only there when they need something and you give them the benefit of the doubt over and over and just get nothing back. Sounds like your sister has worked out that you might make good childcare and is going to be on her best behaviour for long enough to reel you in and then she can revert to treating you badly again when she has a wider network to draw on. And then you feel like the bad guy because you know she is just going to use you up.

This
she is not girl for starters- she is a women.
the whole tone smacks , frankly, of hefty sibling rivalry where a younger sister has felt she’s the interloper form the get go, and behaves correspondingly. Frankly a good bit of relationship counselling between them would do wonders if they both act like adults.

‘That girl’ is neutral language. It’s neither positive nor overtly hostile. It’s dispassionate, which in itself can be an expression of hurt.

I’m not projecting at all, given that I don’t have a sister and I have a good relationship with my brother. It doesn’t however take a lot of imagination to figure out that not everyone has a good relationship with their siblings, and isn’t required to speak of them in loving terms, or in fact have a relationship with them at all.

Everything people write on here is alleged, yet generally they are given the benefit of the doubt.

I absolutely agree with you OP. I let my parents and brother back into my life after having children because I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother and my cousins were my best friends so I naively wanted that for my DCs. As I feared it all turned to shit and now my children don’t see their cousins, it’s been over 5 years now but it still effects my 2 oldest 9 & 11, I’ve had them both crying recently because they miss their cousins. They can be fine for ages but then something will spark their memories, the most recent was a girl with the same name as my brothers dd started in my DDs gymnastics class and made my dd think of her cousin, that night she was crying her little heart out.

If you know in your gut things will turn to crap please don’t introduce your DS to his cousin because you know eventually they will be separated.

I agree with @Puppers further up the thread. Your mum's reconnection with your sister does not need to affect your relationship with your mum unless you let it. I disagree strongly with those saying that the answer to this is to pull back from your mum. The relationship with your mum gives you both pleasure, and demonstrates that you're a constant, reliable and loving presence.

If you pull away, you're not only letting your half sister succeed in negatively affecting your relationship with your mum, you're demonstrating to your mother that actually you might be as unreliable as your half sister is. So what does your mum have to lose?

Work with your mum's husband to ensure that you don't accidentally bump into your half sister, but otherwise carry on regardless. Demonstrate to your mum that you are so much more than her other daughter.

Your mum needs to respect your decision in the same way that you respect hers.

I've been NC with my sibling due to the awful behaviour for over 20 years and would never let her back into my life.

She sounds a bit messed up. It sounds like her childhood may have been different to yours? Yet you were raised together? Under the same roof with the same mum and male parent? Indeed, she had an advantage over you: She also had a big sister who was five years older, looking after her too, didn't she?

Why did you turn out "well" but not her?

I agree with the poster who advised you to let your mum know that this affects your mental health. Let your mum know that you may reassess in a year or two.

I do think people have the capacity to change. Saying that, my mother hasn't, but I have. Lots of people can change. I had an epiphany at about 36 where I realised that I cared more about appearing happy than being happy.
My parents' parenting of me really destroyed me but even while I was healing, I still went back to the dry well with hope, only to be disappointed again. I know now though. It's a dry well, so I don't approach the well with any thirst.
Xxx

I totally agree with this.

Your language betrays you OP. This is a sister you grew up with as a child. You have decided to demonise her.

She may have done really awful things and your NC could be completely justified, but the way you write about her makes me wonder if you are stuck in the past. A jealous six year old whose mother’s attentions are now focused on a new arrival.

You don’t have to have any contact with her just because she’s family. But don’t pretend she isn’t.

Yabu. I grew up in a house with 2 half siblings. We have the same mum and there's a 12 year age gap but there's no 'half' about it and never has been, they are my sisters. They have annoyed me greatly in the past but they are my family.

Or perhaps the ‘demonising’ is in fact a recognition of her half sisters terrible behaviour. She may have grown up with her, but that doesn’t oblige her to consider her well, tolerate mistreatment, or even consider her a sister in the fullest sense of the word.

Of course the half sister is family, but that is as meaningless or as meaningful as you want it to be. A lot of posters are hung up on the ‘half sister’ designation, but she is in fact a half sister and OP is perfectly entitled to acknowledge that. It’s not her fault if others are uncomfortable with that for whatever personal reasons.

What has that got to do with OP? She’s talking about her own half sister, no one else’s.