Having to make space for a ‘sister’?

[Meggymoo777]

I have a half sister, same mother and we grew up together. Im mid 30s and she’s 6yrs younger.

I cut my ties with her 6 years ago, we were on holiday and she did some really unforgivable things, thought this holiday would really bring us together, I was so wrong, it just proved that she’s a really terrible person . I made sure she got home safe from that holiday and we never spoke again.

Her relationship with my Mum has been up and down, and completely nonexistent at times, but they are now rebuilding their relationship (nothing to do me or my Mum, in my opinion, my ‘sister’ just used people and she has now separated from her ‘partner’ who she’s had a child with she’s now using my Mum)
I am genuinely happy for my Mum, she’s happy she sees her daughter and now her grandchild, I offer advice on the latest drama that this girl has going on, I’m a great support to my Mum and she relies on me I think.
She asked me to meet this girl, I said absolutely not. I’m made to feel guilty because she also has a son, my ‘nephew’ apparently, that I’ve never met. I don’t feel guilty.

Now that they are rebuilding a relationship (which I want for my Mum!) I didn’t expect this pressure to be be directed at me as well. I support my Mum and her relationship with this girl, but I will not have her back in my life under any circumstances.

Think I’m just writing this to vent and get it down but would love some feedback | advice… am I wrong? Is family always so importantly as I’m told? I really don’t think it is?

I'm struggling a bit to follow - "this girl" - is that a 30ish yo woman who is your sister or your niece /her child?

No, I'm not. And CPS have been involved. But that's a whole other thread.

You should be able to meet the sister, on your mother's terms, every now and again.
For your mother it would be nice that you were not strangers, that you could both be in the same room and be polite and both be invited to the same function without one of you feeling like you can not attend.

It seems that you will not be friends or besties and that is fine.
Do not expect anything of the relationship except that you are civil and well mannered to each other and respectful to each other's family.

She will never be as committed to caring for your mother like you are. Everyone has different strengths. You don't need to be reliable for your sister or to fully trust her. You don't owe anything to her - except not to ghost her.

Like others have said, your use of “sister” and “this girl” and focus on her being a half sister is very strange. Have you always felt very strongly that she was a half sister or is this a more recent feeling? It seems very strange to have grown up together and to have had a fairly close age gap but feel the “half” so strongly. If you’ve always felt this way, why? How did that narrative that she was a half sister develop? You’ve said the problems between you go back a long time. But I’d imagine if she grew up always feeling like a half to you, rather than a full family member, that would do some damage to her mental health and perception of herself.

Like I said upthread, I'd never given much though to how I refer to her but maybe calling her that girl or that woman (which I've actually not done intentionally and don't do IRL) is my way of compartmentalising her? But I really don't think of her as a sister either though, she's just another child my Mum had to be at this stage. It's an interesting point to ponder though @Chispazo, thank you

Thank you @Allthegoodnamesarechosen but I'm a staunch agnostic not in a position to be converted. Appreciate the time you took to respond though

Thank you @Chispazo I've spent thousands on therapy and have been working on myself for the last 15 years, I'm in a great place x

Good, I hear you, it helps but the original issue is still there, therapy isn't a magic wand, I know. Xx

I've name changed as this could be outing.

My brother stopped speaking to my mum, me, basically our entire family more than 8 years ago. You'll understand how hard this is on my mum. He has 2 kids, I've not met either. I think my mum met the eldest once before my brother went no contact.

If my brother was to make contact with my mum. I would support my mum in anyway I could. Because I know how important that would be to her. I don't believe there's anything he could do to rebuild his relationship with me. But I would have contact with him for my mums sake. Because I know that would make her happy. It doesn't mean I would 'let him into my life'. I would be pleasant. I wouldn't bring up the past.

I believe people make mistakes. And can change and grow up. And I would respect my mums wishes to allow my brother to build bridges with her, if that's what would make her happy.

I would be guarded. Because I believe what he's done to my mum is unforgivable. But as a mother. I know if it was my child, I would forgive (I hope that makes sense).

Definitely not a magic wand, life throws curve balls all the time but talking therapy, CBT, meditation, gratitude etc have made me a very strong and capable person. It doesn't get rid of the past issues obviously but I'm very level headed... which to be fair I think I have been here on this thread too.

A parents love isn't, or shouldn't , be based on how much your kids do for you. It doesn't matter how much you do for your mum, that's your choice. Your phrasing suggests you feel like you 'deserve' more love from your mum because of how much you do and that's a really unhealthy outlook. Your not bu to distance yourself from your half sister if what she's done is unforgivable for you, but as you recognise, being hurt by mums choice to care for her is irrational and unreasonable.

How are you struggling to follow? She's clearly taking about her half sister.

@Meggymoo777 I can totally understand not wanting your sister in your life, but I really feel for your nephew. You describe having a strong family commitment, yet don't seem to feel any sense of responsibility to your young nephew. Things must be incredibly difficult for him given the circumstances you describe. If I was in your shoes, I think I would want to find a way of connecting with him whilst keeping my sister at arms length. He's an innocent child caught up in all this and you are his family.

@Meggymoo777 What would you do if you were visiting your mum and she popped over to her house with her child in tow? (I’m assuming she doesn’t call your mum in advance to see if she has guests or anything)

Would you up and leave, or would you stay, be civil and quietly seethe until she left?

Does your child know of his aunt’s existence?

Why do you keep calling her a “girl”?

I think YABU personally. People make mistakes. Sibling relationships can be hard and complicated, nobody is perfect. I would never cut off a sibling from my life. It’s hurting your mother, your nephew, depriving the opportunity for your boys to know their cousin.
What could she have done on holiday that is so terrible it justifies never speaking to her again?

I find that odd and sincerely hope my children never feel their older brother is less because he has a different father. Especially siblings raised by the same mother and with a small gap like yours. A nephew is the child of a sister, so he is your nephew biologically, whether you get along or not, whether you’ve met him or see him every day doesn’t change a biological fact. Clearly lots gone on but you must understand she’s your mothers daughter just like you are and a parents love is unconditional. Sounds like you’re jealous that you’re now sharing your mum with your sister, but if you have kids yourself you must realise that a parent will always want to have a relationship with their child no matter what. If she gets hurt then I guess that’s a risk she’s willing to take

You should listen to this op ⬆️

Just because someone’s family it doesn’t mean you need to be close to them and you have every right to cut whoever you want out of your life.

However, this is your sister and it’s going to be almost impossible to avoid her forever.

I would tell your sister and mum that you want them to focus on rebuilding their relationship for now.

Then in the future perhaps you could all meet in the park to clear the air and then when you see each other at your mums or family occasions it won’t be so awkward.

You can be civil with each other but you do not need to arrange meet ups or anything and definitely no holidays.

Totally agree with this. You might dispise her but watch how you talk about her - to your mum she's equal.

Noone needs to have a relationship with anyone they don't want to. But can't you see replies like this ate inevitable because you haven't actually said what she did? Of course sone people are going to think you are jealous and all you can do is laugh? Ok then.

I think you need to reframe the situation in your mind. Your mum having a relationship with her daughter whereby they spend time together, visit each other, call each other etc doesn't "derail" your relationship with your mum. Almost every adult child who has siblings has to "share" their parents in this way. And even without siblings, people have their own lives and other commitments. I can't just assume that my mum will be waiting at home for me to call or drop in whenever I fancy; she often has plans with my siblings or her siblings and friends. She works. She has hobbies. The complication in your case is that if you were to drop in unannounced, you wouldn't want to encounter your sister, however this seems easily enough avoided by texting ahead or just driving away if you arrive and her car is there (assume you're closeby given the frequency of visits).

Your mum having relationships with other people, whoever they may be, doesn't need to affect your relationship with her unless you let it. If you feel at a loss without the option of popping in to see your mum 4 days a week then look for other ways to fill that time with your kids. Stewing on perceived injustices and feeling bitter only hurts you. There's a saying - hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die.

But you've even referred to her 'partner' you're so dismissive of her existence.

She's clearly done something to upset you so yes don't have anything to do with her. But those ' ' speak volumes about how you hardly even view her as a person!

@AllAboutTheTent I think you trust yourself not to be hurt again. Unlike @Meggymoo777 you don't have an ideal vision of how lovely things could be, eg, another adult present when cooking with her parents and a cousin to keep her son company when they go camping.
This was my achilles heel. I wanted us to connect authentically, and I'd have been hurt by anything less. If I had my time again, I would just settle for banal chit chat about the garden, the weather and the roast potatoes. But I was so vulnerable to being hurt by how little they could give. I had to be at fault. I coukd never ask them to stop labelling me for example. They have no capacity to self reflect. I have wasted years, even years spent in therapy, trying to get them to hear me and see me, when I should have gained some acceptance that they will never see me. I have no right to a perspective. No right to ask to be heard.
I've survived the last few years, I wish id gone in with your approach @AllAboutTheTent good post. I wish I'd
decided, right, expect nothing here, banal chit chat here we go. Instead, I tried to connect authentically and it made them so angry and they called me mad (for not collapsing in to their distorted narratives) which made me angrier.. Even though their behaviour to me has been shocking, ruthless, defensive, shaming, blaming, gaslighting, I still feel now, I am strong enough not to need the connection now. I've got to the place where banal chit chat would be nicer than this post apocalyptic nightmare that is my family now!!

If your brother ever does come back, you will handle it well. Xx

Also the repeated calling her “that girl” when she’s an adult woman in her 30s. Demeaning and misogynistic…

I would honestly say to your Mum that you are happy your half sister is trying to build a relationship with her again, but that you are simply unable to forgive her for how she has treated you in the past. Your Mum needs to understand that you are very wary of her intentions and that you’re worried about your Mum getting hurt.
Perhaps say that you are prepared to see how she treats your Mum for the next 12 months and if she genuinely is trying then you may rethink things. From the sound of it, she won’t last 6 months, if all she’s waiting for is another chap!
Does your Mum know what actually happened?