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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

200 replies

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/05/2023 20:01

I think staying at her parents house in a cramped room will motivate them to save more in a shorter amount of time.

Callyem · 27/05/2023 20:03

Rent is so affordable I don't see why they can't on their joint income. Some people pay that for a garage where I live!

BCBird · 27/05/2023 20:03

They can afford to live independently. I.would imaginethat them living with uiu is more than.them.just using a room- extra work etc.

JonahAndTheSnail · 27/05/2023 20:04

YANBU, they currently have a decent disposable income between them with low outgoings. I would voice your concerns about the parking situation and extra housework if they come back to live with you. If they're willing to chip in more with the housework and look and possibly renting a car park space for the extra car, perhaps it could work?

UndercoverCop · 27/05/2023 20:05

If they are earning 4k a month take home and outgoings are less than £300 why have they only saved 7k? They don't seen very motivated to save quickly.
I am open to adult children living at home to save, you might want to say yes for a year only and I want to see that you are saving £3k a month (for example) so by the end of the year they can buy a place

RachhA4 · 27/05/2023 20:05

Yep i’m with you - it’s not as if they have just finished education or just starting out.

On a completely separate note, I’m curious to know what your son do for work to be earning £2500 / month at 21yrs old?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/05/2023 20:05

450pcm rent would be a pipe dream in my part of mid Wales so if your figures are right they should definitely be standing on their own two four feet

coxesorangepippin · 27/05/2023 20:05

LoL

Why on Earth would you say yes??

GrumpyPanda · 27/05/2023 20:06

Why would you be competing for parking space? Just tell them the drivers not up for grabs.

As to housework, there'd be two of them and two of you, just split everything, or it's a no go.

GrumpyPanda · 27/05/2023 20:07

GrumpyPanda · 27/05/2023 20:06

Why would you be competing for parking space? Just tell them the drivers not up for grabs.

As to housework, there'd be two of them and two of you, just split everything, or it's a no go.

the drive is, not the drivers. Fucksake.

Dragonsandcats · 27/05/2023 20:07

UndercoverCop · 27/05/2023 20:05

If they are earning 4k a month take home and outgoings are less than £300 why have they only saved 7k? They don't seen very motivated to save quickly.
I am open to adult children living at home to save, you might want to say yes for a year only and I want to see that you are saving £3k a month (for example) so by the end of the year they can buy a place

I agree with this £7000 of savings from £4K per month less small outgoings doesn’t seem much. If they were committed to saving quickly I’d be more likely to agree.

TheSilentSister · 27/05/2023 20:07

It's one thing agreeing to your DS coming back but totally a different thing to have his g/f too.
Explain about your early starts and lack of parking as the reason for it not being agreeable. If they stick it out at her parents, they'll save harder.

Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 20:08

He works for an electrical engineering company, started on the production line 1y 18 yrs after doing a btec in engineering, then was quickly promoted to team leader and now a supervisor.......bright lad and earns far more than me!

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 27/05/2023 20:08

They earn FOUR GRAND A MONTH and you're considering inconveniencing yourself? They can jog on. Rent's less than 20% of their take home.

HowcanIhelp123 · 27/05/2023 20:09

They should have saved more than they have. One option would be to let them move in but charge them 'all inclusive rent' - say £500 a month. You can save it for them and by the end of the year they have doubled their house fund. Or they can pay the same money to rent a place of their own.

Decorhate · 27/05/2023 20:10

They are 21. They should be out in the world living independently, enjoying life. Not moving back in with parents & worrying about a mortgage. IMO.

Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 20:10

We are in Newtown, Powys - there have been several 1 bed places come up recently, all for between £450 and £500 - I keep an eye on the market and have sent them several sets of details!!!!

OP posts:
lemonyellows · 27/05/2023 20:12

I would say parking is yours no argument. They can stay for a set period of time to incentivise them to save as much as possible, then at set date, they move out. Of course, in practise this might need find leeway if they were waiting for a house completion, but give them the aim to save and not just drift

Xrays · 27/05/2023 20:12

Hahaha. No. Just no.

They have a combined income which is more than many older people with children. They need to sort themselves out and live independently.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 20:15

Unfortunately, with your new working hours, it no longer works for you.

JeandeServiette · 27/05/2023 20:15

Are they aiming to buy? How long would it take them ti save a house deposit?

Bobbybobbins · 27/05/2023 20:17

Yanbu

BallandBoe · 27/05/2023 20:19

If they are happy to be sharing a room in a shared house in order to save money, tell them to check out the website 'spare room.'

Ragwort · 27/05/2023 20:21

Absolutely not ... of course they should rent their own place. Put your foot down and say 'no'. They are totally trying to take advantage of your good nature. £4k a month at their age is a fantastic income.

This is why I would never encourage my DS to live with a GF in my home ... it just becomes too easy for them. I suppose you could say to your DS 'if you are serious about saving then you can return home but not with your GF ... she can stay with her family'.

2bazookas · 27/05/2023 20:23

I'd tell him they can't move back in, it's time to stand on their own feet.

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