To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

[Akrotiri1]

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

No, the ones who are happily celebrating ruby and golden weddings with their children and grandchildren now. The generation you’re defining is mostly dead now.

Are you religious by any chance?

I’d let the DS move back home but not his girlfriend.

No, are you?

Your question was as parents when do you encourage them to stand on their own two feet..... Well there's a whole lot of difference between asking them to stand on their own 2 feet when they can't really afford it, and when they're on 4k a month. If they CAN afford it, then next question is "Would them staying here put me out in any way or be detrimental to my own life?". Yes, parking and 4am starts.

If it was parking and 4am starts v they can't really afford it, then fair enough, that's a harder question. But it's well within their budget, would give them a test run before they buy and they should still easily be able to save.

This isn't because you're a harsh Mum, it's not because you don't care or are being selfish, its because the time is right. Give him that shove out of the nest that you both need! xx

Obviously not.

Its highly unusual for someone that is not religious to suggest that not living together before marriage is a good idea. Are you of the generation celebrating your golden wedding anniversary per chance?

But I haven’t suggested that at all. I suggested that getting a mortgage together after living apart isn’t a disastrous idea because plenty of people have successfully done it. 🤷‍♀️

Plenty of people survived smoking but we now know it isn’t a good idea. See also sunbeds.

🙄

If you.dp.decide they can say. Fgs male. It. Imperative that they do their share of the housework.

I'd be concerned at the rush of them to buy a house together. He's an "immature" 21 year old according to OP, I'd be encouraging him to buy by himself, not tie himself down with his first girlfriend when they are both so young.

My head and heart would say the exact same if it was one of my sons or daughters. Stand on your own feet, you have a job that earns more than enough and get a place to live you can more than afford it mum and dad are always here for you but a grown man or woman with the funds to live decently should do so in there own feet. If the situation was a different scenario illness,mental health etc then come on home stay and get back on your feet. I would be more concerned how little they actually have saved tbh but hey everyone is different 🙂

With respect, that was you eons ago. It's a different world today isn't it? Folk can't afford one house let alone 2!!!
Let them live separately until the deposit is there. Or. If they want to be together they can rent. Why should either set of parents facilitate their sex life? They need to grow up and get out

I would encourage them to rent their own flat or house so that they can enjoy their own personal space. There is absolutely no reason for them to move in with you. They have a high joint income for such a young couple in low rent area, so have absolutely no reason to move back in with you. They need to have some independence before buying a house together. Given there ages, there is no real reason to rush to buy a house and they should be able to save a deposit anyway while renting from their considerable disposable income. Presumably, given the rent you quoted, house prices are also pretty reasonable where you live.

I would let them move in for a year to allow them to save a bit more, on those incomes they should be able to save £1500 a month. I would tell them that if either you or them find it difficult due to your early starts (do early bed time too) they will need to rent.

Their disposable income is high and they haven't saved very much!

They are also going to have to learn how to manage all the bills if they buy their own home......

I would reword it to them that renting a flat will be good for them to then learn financial management for a household first! It will also make them realise how much they can afford when buying a property as its easy to go oh I csn get a mortgage for x amount then look at that bracket!

Absolutely not, they earn a good wage and can easily afford to rent.
I would possibly consider it if it was just your son moving in but not the girlfriend as well. It's too easy to get comfortable, enjoy having a large disposable income and have very little motivation to save when they live a cushy life at mum's house.

And let's be honest, you may agree to splitting housework, but do you really trust that they would do their fair share without being continuously nagged until you just give in and do it?

One of the best things my dad said to me was that my boyfriend (now husband) was not allowed to move in when I was pregnant. It just motivated us both to save ASAP, find a place we could live and set up our own family home. I thought he was harsh at the time but he did me a favour.

It wasn’t eons ago, I’m only 32 😂there is no reason that someone with ops sons salary can’t afford to buy a house. Probably not the house they want; but a house nonetheless. And it isn’t about their sex lives; it’s about testing compatibility.

Wouldn't renting be far more sensible to test compatibility?

Yeah, if you read you will see that is exactly what I suggested. I was merely saying not living together before getting a mortgage is stupid, especially at 21 when it is likely their first serious relationship.

I would reword it to them that renting a flat will be good for them to then learn financial management for a household first! It will also make them realise how much they can afford when buying a property as its easy to go oh I can get a mortgage for x amount then look at that bracket!

That’s really good advice!

They should absolutely be in their own place - so much more freedom, for a start. OP would be a fool to have them back at her house!

Just say ‘no sorry…. I’ve got a new job and it’s not convenient for you both to move back, best you live with her parents and knuckle down with saving to buy!!

Its highly unusual for someone that is not religious to suggest that not living together before marriage is a good idea

@Newname211 I am religious, but cohabiting beforehand does increase the risk of divorce. Cohabiting couples are more likely than others not to get divorced in the first year, but their marriages are more likely to end in divorce in general.

Correlation does not equal causation. It’s more likely that couples who cohabit before marriage are more likely to divorce because they are less likely to stay in an unhappy marriage than those who don’t cohabit - probably because I literally know nobody in my generation who hasn’t cohabited except those who are extremely religious, where divorce is still not fully acceptable anyway (especially in certain religions)