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Original poster

To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

200 replies

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

OP posts:
Blablablanamechangagain · 28/05/2023 06:23

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 20:39

I think buying a home having never actually lived together alone is madness. Especially if they aren't;t doing all their housework.

You're oiling them a favour saying no.

THIS!!!!

Aishah231 · 28/05/2023 06:32

I agree with others. They need to rent. This will also test the relationship properly before they buy a house. It's easy to get along when there's no pressure on the relationship. I wouldn't be able to turn my son away however so would say alternatively he can move back in but not the two together.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 28/05/2023 06:36

They rent OR he moves back and she stays at her parents until they have a deposit.

mewkins · 28/05/2023 06:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 20:39

I think buying a home having never actually lived together alone is madness. Especially if they aren't;t doing all their housework.

You're oiling them a favour saying no.

I agree with this. They need to experience actually living together in their own home before committing to buying a place. Also why the hell do they want to stay with parents when they can afford not to? Crazy.

OrangeFleece · 28/05/2023 06:53

My dd and her boyfriend lived with me for a while, then they rented a house together. The relationship only lasted a couple of months after that, when she found out that he wasn't as mature as she thought he was. DD will always be welcome home but I will never allow a boyfriend to move in with us again. I wouldn't do it Op.

5128gap · 28/05/2023 06:59

If everyone wanted this to happen and with the right circumstances, it could work extremely well.
I did the same for my DC and partners and we had a fantastic time of it, three couples lived here at one point. The sharing of costs means we were all much better off, and by allocating domestic chores between us, I ended up with far less to do than usual.
The important things though were that there were ground rules established before hand, with everyone having their allocated tasks, agreements about use of communal areas including parking made in advance, a genuine desire on all parts for it to happen, everyone getting on extremely well, and a house big enough for some privacy for each couple, including their own bathroom.
In all truth if any of these things were missing it msy not have worked, and I wouldn't have felt guilty about saying so to a couple who could afford their own place, as allowing it and being miserable or resentful isn't good for anyone.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/05/2023 06:59

Given what they earn they have saved fuck all, really. No wonder they think they won't be able to save if they rent, they're spending money like crazy!!!

Say no because quite frankly they have proved that they're not very good with money and they will be camping at yours for YEARS saving enough for a deposit.

Tots678 · 28/05/2023 06:59

As stated above -I think I would get out the electric bills etc and work out half of them. Charge them half for all food etc. Get a cleaner that they pay half of.
Give them a list of their household jobs - nothing too important as they don't sound too reliable so hoovering, mopping floors, bathroom.
I would imagine that the cost will mount up to quite a bit.
And also tell them that it is initially for 6 months.

euff · 28/05/2023 07:00

My parents helped me by letting me move back rent free to save. I was paying over £500 many moons ago for a room. Commuting cost went up but was able to save a few hundred more a month (on a very low income). I could not have asked for boyfriend to move in too. He got the cheapest possible lodgings so that we were saving as much as we could. We had target savings to achieve covering all necessary costs and a little more for the unforeseen/ emergencies. They only pay £100 keep and have saved so little?!

Maybe another talk required, see if they understand what it means for them and you and whether they have any firm plans or targets they are aiming to achieve.

Beautiful3 · 28/05/2023 07:00

I moved out at 23, bought a house with my boyfriend. I hated living with my parents at that age, as I had no freedom. I loved having my own place. I afraid that you and the girls parents, are making it far too comfortable for them. They should never have been both allowed, to sleep together in the home. There's no incentive for them to leave! Say no, let them rent otherwise they'll never leave!

Wildspace · 28/05/2023 07:02

They are wanting to save for a house. Have an straightforward conversation with them about the challenges with parking and the early hours. If you can find a way around it then let them stay. I stayed with a BF parents at a similar age and we saved much faster for a house deposit than we would have been able to otherwise. I would see if I could find a way to help them.

Wildspace · 28/05/2023 07:06

To add to the above my BF’s parents refused to let us pay for anything - that was their help towards a house deposit. You will know whether your DC is taking the piss or is genuinely saving for a house. We couldn’t wait to get our own place and privacy but it just had to wait. We were able to get a slightly bigger place as a result.

thimblgattle167 · 28/05/2023 07:21

I would let them stay but tell them the new rules. They have to sort alternative parking, they are very quiet in the evenings as you have 4am starts. I would also suggest they "pay you" £500 a month which you will save for them. That way they are getting the real living together experience.

I think so
Many people who stay living with parents and saving for a house just get used to loads of disposable income and that can be very hard once they have to pay bills every month

SoShallINever · 28/05/2023 07:23

Have an honest chat with your son.
Tell him that logistically it will make things difficult for you if they both move back.
I agree with the posters who say that they should be saving much more than they are with thst level of disposable income.
Our DD is living with us at the moment, and she is saving almost £2k per month.
We have a rule that partners are welcome to stay over but only for 2/3 nights at a time. Not to live here.

Murdoch1949 · 28/05/2023 07:56

You could agree to take them back for a specific time, with a contract for your conditions. Minimum £500 pm board & lodgings, shared cooking responsibilities, allotted housework tasks, agreed minimum monthly saving amount towards his house deposit, no parking at your property. If they don't like it, fine.

FriendsDrinkBook · 28/05/2023 09:03

If you tell them to save a certain amount or save money for them they're not really taking responsibility for it. It becomes yet another thing that you're doing for them , when you'll already be going above and beyond in giving them cheap/free lodgings. They really need to work this one out for themselves op , they're not homeless , and they're not desperate. They don't need you to do this , they WANT it. You can say no.

LemonjeIIo · 28/05/2023 09:41

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

Well, they could be old fashioned, whereby she lives at home and he lives at home, and they could date until they have saved enough for a house deposit 🤷‍♀️. Why should either set of parents of two working grown up people, have to provide a space so they can essentially sleep together??

Naunet · 28/05/2023 10:24

I really strongly believe that a parents job is to raise a competent, independent, self sufficient adult, and part of that involves making them stand on their own two feet, just like every other animal in this world does with their young. At 21, he needs to start living on his own and paying bills etc, he’s not a kid anymore, not even a teenager, he shouldn’t fall back on you just because it’s easier and cheaper than renting his own place. I’m also shocked that they weren’t paying any rent to her parents - it sounds like they weren’t even buying their own food if their only bill was their phones?

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 10:36

@Akrotiri1 If you let them stay there, I imagine it'd require a very stressful conversation to try and get them to leave again after 6 months/a year as some PP's are suggesting.

CeliaNorth · 28/05/2023 10:42

I would have them on the condition they hand over £2.5k per month for you to save on their behalf.

No, they should be responsible for their own finances. No way should they become homeowners when they can't even budget.

They're adults still living like students. Time they grew up, took responsibility for their lives, and learned how to pay bills and run a household.

So it would be a no to moving in from me. No negotiations about bedtimes and parking and housework, just no. And absolutely no considering changing your job to accommodate them, OP.

BadgerFacedCoo · 28/05/2023 10:45

If he's a bright lad and they both work hard as seems to be the case I'd let them move in if the rent was genuinely being saved for a deposit.

I would be clear on expectations, don't change your job and make sure they know about your shifts and not to disturb you.

There's no right and wrong though. It's your house and they've no right to free rent to save. Also consider your own financial situation, would having more living at home cost you more?

IamnotSethRogan · 28/05/2023 10:49

If it was an option of them living with you or going into a private rental, I would say yes. But they do currently have somewhere (presumably free) to live, they would just like to live somewhere else free that's a bit bigger.

He sounds like a smart lad, and while the rental options do sound cheap, it's all the other bills on top that ramp the cost up.

If there aren't any massive tensions going on where he lives, he's fine where he is.

That being said, if you do let them move in with you, the drive way spaces would be non negotiable. They would be yours. Similarly you could say he could live with you and the girlfriend could stay over a set amount of nights a week.

Newname211 · 28/05/2023 10:49

LemonjeIIo · 28/05/2023 09:41

Well, they could be old fashioned, whereby she lives at home and he lives at home, and they could date until they have saved enough for a house deposit 🤷‍♀️. Why should either set of parents of two working grown up people, have to provide a space so they can essentially sleep together??

Show quote history

Do you honestly think them living separately and then getting a mortgage together is a good idea? It sounds like a disaster.

Im team renting. 21 is so young to be getting into a joint mortgage regardless. I was with my partner at 21; by 22 we were earning similarly to op’s son and partner.

We saved up and each bought a home individually. We lived in one (mine) and allowed my brother to live in the other for free, then in our late 20s (after a decade together) we sold both and bought a home together.

Given their relatively high incomes they should be able to afford to do this within a few years, especially if they pay proportionately for the rented property in the meantime.

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2023 12:39

Do you honestly think them living separately and then getting a mortgage together is a good idea? It sounds like a disaster.

It’s what generations of people did. They got married before they did it too. And many of those marriages have lasted several decades. One house is enough.

Newname211 · 28/05/2023 12:47

Blossomtoes · 28/05/2023 12:39

Do you honestly think them living separately and then getting a mortgage together is a good idea? It sounds like a disaster.

It’s what generations of people did. They got married before they did it too. And many of those marriages have lasted several decades. One house is enough.

Oh, the same generations who stayed in unhappy abusive marriages because they had no choice? The ones where women were expected to be seen and not heard, and they better have a freshly home cooked meal ready for their husbands getting home from the pub or they’ll be hell to pay? Those generations?

Yep, that’s definitely something I’d want for my children 😂😂😂