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Original poster

To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

200 replies

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 27/05/2023 20:23

So, only saved £7k in two and a half years. Less than £250 a month. Not very much is it, for two people.

They will still be with you when they are 40.

Just say no

Achwheesht · 27/05/2023 20:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

2kids2catsnolife · 27/05/2023 20:26

I'm 43 and earn 66k and have less disposable income than your son. Yes he can get a flat!

Octonaut4Life · 27/05/2023 20:28

I'd let them move back in but only if they agreed to proper ground rules. They don't get use of your parking, and they need to pull their weight around the house and take on set chores as part of the household.

KateMularkey · 27/05/2023 20:28

I'm no use to you OP because I would have the same head/heart battle if it were my son. From an impartial perspective how about a compromise where you have them back for a fixed period of day 1 year with the expectation they'll save their deposit in that time from the money they saved on rent. If rents are as cheap as you mention I assume property prices are equally low so should be doable?

Riverlee · 27/05/2023 20:29

Are they expecting to live rent free? Do their own cooking, washing etc ?

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 20:31

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

Its tricky.

If it was me and it was a couple, then I think I would be encouraging them to rent. You've said the rent is affordable and they bring in over £3,000 a month combined. They could cover Bill's, give themselves a spending budget and save the rest. It will also give them experience in budgeting and living together and running a household which you don't really get the experience of when living with parents. If it all goes wrong and they split, its easier to separate with a rental than buying a house, unable to make it work (in terms of house workload and paying all Bill's etc) and then having to split and sell.

Are they getting the most from their savings too? If they havent already, they should look at a first time buyers LISA where the Gov puts in 25% of what they pay in. This is capped (cant recall the amount off the top of my head) but they could utilise other savings accounts too to get the most. They could have a LISA each too (again double check)

If it was my child on their own then I would have them back at home without a doubt. Likewise if they buy and end up losing their home down years down the line because one of them lost their job etc, I'd also have them back.

Deadringer · 27/05/2023 20:31

My adult children are welcome to live at home as long as they want to, but I would draw the line at a girlfriend/boyfriend moving in. It seems they can easily afford to rent together so yanbu.

FriendsDrinkBook · 27/05/2023 20:32

Say no. They'll never leave if they move back in. I say this from experience.

wendywoopywoo222 · 27/05/2023 20:32

I would say yes to your son moving back in and allow him two/three nights a week to have his girlfriend stay. If they want to live together they need to find somewhere independently. And tell him parking not included.

SargentSagittarius · 27/05/2023 20:34

I would just say, at 21, it’s time you started standing on your own two feet.

For x, x, and x reason, it’s really not convenient for me/us to have two extra people living here.

There will always be a roof for you here if you NEED it, for as long as you NEED it (stress on ‘need’ as he currently doesn’t need it at all, he just wants it), but at 21 and in a well-paid job, in a solid relationship so with two incomes, you need to be moving towards independence.

I’ll help you find somewhere, and I’m always here when you need me. I love you and have absolutely faith that you can make this work, and not only that, that it will be really good for you.

All DC need a bit of a push at times.

I rented for years before buying. This idea that you’re subsided by parents until you can buy is very cosseted. Young people in their 20s aren’t babies - in a well-paid job he needs to start being an adult and stand on his own two feet. He couldn’t be in a better position to do exactly that.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 27/05/2023 20:37

there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs

This is fecking bonkers. I'm 40, there is no way I would want my parents 'keeping a room spare for me'. I'm an adult, I have a life! I have my own bloody spare room!

Cut the cord, OP. It doesn't work for you, they earn enough money, they can afford rent. They should be enjoying independence, and their own place, and you should be allowed to do the same!

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 20:39

I think buying a home having never actually lived together alone is madness. Especially if they aren't;t doing all their housework.

You're oiling them a favour saying no.

Yarnysaura · 27/05/2023 20:40

As well as everything everyone else has already said, they really should live together independently before buying a property together. They can use the time to work out how to budget properly, share finances, share chores etc.

Zerrin13 · 27/05/2023 20:41

It would be a very firm no from me

sweetdreamstenasee · 27/05/2023 20:43

They should rent, because they can afford to, but also because they’re very young. I don’t mean to be patronising but it seems like a good idea for them to manage a house together before the commitment of buying together and see how they get on with that for a while. It’s quite a jump going from living at your parents to having a mortgage without the experience of sorting your own bills, council tax, cleaning a whole house, doing a full food shop ect. All the best to them though!

Spiderboy · 27/05/2023 20:44

Rentals are in massive demand here and they they are near impossible to get. It’s really, really hard. However it doesn’t seem like they are saving much despite their income. I’m am guessing they want to have their cake and eat it too.

up to you OP, I’d probably say yes but the drive isn’t up for grabs

RosettaTheGardenFairy · 27/05/2023 20:44

I understand you preferring them to find their own place, and YANBU to tell this to your son. But please explain it to him carefully and clearly, it would be a real shame if this became something he resented you for down the road. There is something quite jarring about a parent not allowing a young adult child to come home, so please go ahead delicately and make sure both your son & his girlfriend know this isn't a negative reflection on them, rather a reflection on where you are in your life right now.

Truestorypeeps · 27/05/2023 20:45

You'd think for only around £500 pcm they'd be desperate for their own space and somewhere to call their own.

If they'd saved harder then they wouldn't have to contemplate renting. It's a good life lesson, consequences.

BasiliskStare · 27/05/2023 20:45

Heart says I would have them back to stay

Head says - they sort out their own parking and they save a lot more money & they respect your working hours. 6 months and if their savings aren't working out then they move out.

But I do get I am in the minority here . However with that income they really should be saving more - I think - if they are relying on parents to put them up for no cost.

Comedycook · 27/05/2023 20:46

Yanbu.

They earn plenty to rent a one bed flat and save at the same time. Totally perplexed anyway why they wouldn't want their own place. Most only stay at home for financial reasons especially if they have a partner. Surely they'd rather have their own space?

Spiderboy · 27/05/2023 20:46

Truestorypeeps · 27/05/2023 20:45

You'd think for only around £500 pcm they'd be desperate for their own space and somewhere to call their own.

If they'd saved harder then they wouldn't have to contemplate renting. It's a good life lesson, consequences.

It’s not only £500 though is it? Are you forgetting about utilities and household bills? That’ll easily bump it up to £1000+

AnotherEmma · 27/05/2023 20:46

He's been earning well for a while already, and they've been living rent-free all that time. Why have they only saved £7k - what's he been spending all his money on?!

If I were you in I would possibly offer them a lodging arrangement whereby they pay you a contribution for rent and bills - if you're strategic about the amount you propose, they might do the sums and decide that they'd prefer to pay a bit extra and have their own place Wink
Remember to factor in council tax, gas & electricity, water, internet/tv, and food if you shop/cook for them. Ask them what they plan to do about parking, too. Ask them to see if they can research garages they can rent nearby. I think once your son realises you are treating him as a financially independent adult he might decide to act like one!

BriarHare · 27/05/2023 20:47

I have a 21 year old (at uni). I can’t imagine turning my back on him regardless of the circumstances.

Comedycook · 27/05/2023 20:48

Deadringer · 27/05/2023 20:31

My adult children are welcome to live at home as long as they want to, but I would draw the line at a girlfriend/boyfriend moving in. It seems they can easily afford to rent together so yanbu.

This makes sense.

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