To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

[Akrotiri1]

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

Do you like living with him? Get on with his girlfriend? It doesn't sound like you would be mothering him too much by letting him move back, he seems to be standing on his own two feet pretty well. The issues seem pretty minor tbh so is it just a case that you don't want them there? (Which is fine!)....maybe you just need clear boundaries - a conversation about your hours and the parking, and maybe a deadline to them finding a place/a promise that they are saving as much as possible whilst with you? People are quick to mock but a few months saving could make a really big difference to them.

I do support parents who keep their houses open to adult children but I would draw the line at moving in girlfriends too.

I kind of get it that they're young and inexperienced and they're resistant to paying bills and standing on their own two feet because they've never had to do it before. Renting a place together would be far better for them, it'll give them a lot more space and independence and prepare them for the realities of dividing finances and chores etc before taking the big step of buying property together.

Well I'd probably say no. Clearly they just want you to subsidise them. How have they only saved £7k between them when they have no living expenses? That's ridiculous. So no rent, council tax or utilities. So in all that time they've essentially not spent anything for just 2 months?
I had relationship breakdowns and my parents put me up for a bit (more than once) but I didn't have boyfriends living me, and it was temporary.
It doesn't fit in with your lifestyle. If they're that keen to buy then they can just stay where they are till Xmas and save £20k.

Really don’t do it - they need to be out on their own and it’s babying them otherwise. If it’s a case of crisis or heartbreak and they needed a place to lick their wounds and regroup then that’s a different matter, but I think in this case they just need to adult themselves.

If rent is that cheap and they’ve got 7k saved can they not almost afford to buy? How much will they need for a deposit?

£4K a month disposable and they’ve only managed to save £7k? Something wrong there.

I’d have them back if they upped their savings considerably and put a timeframe on it. But I’m a big softy and would be happy for my DC to always be here

I don't mean to sound heartless, but at their age they are enjoying the best of both worlds. Little to no outgoings, an obviously great social life having only saved 7k on an income of 4k pm and so on.

Personally I think they are far too young to be tied to a mortgage. Well it won't happen any time soon anyway if they don't buck up and save!

If I were to say anything it would be along the lines of "look, you are just 21, time to live and enjoy the freedom of being young. Buying is a huge responsibility at your age and do you want to be tied down to that? I'd be happy if you just saved the minimum or a bit more, rent a flat/house and live a little while you can"

They will then experience the responsibility of having to pay bills and budget etc. all the boring things before taking the plunge to buy!

As they are so young and sorry for saying this, there is always the possibility that they may split up, and if they buy a house together, well that complicates things while they are relatively young too, so it would be better to rehearse by renting independently first. Just saying.

It all seems a bit open-ended and as though they have their eye on an end-goal that even you wouldn’t be able to afford (given he earns more than you). It’s a very self-centered approach they seem to be taking: not paying rent or bills, choosing where they live based on their own convenience and not family ties, and an unspoken goal they want you and the gf’s parents to support. They don’t have the first clue, I think, what being a responsible homeowner entails, and what it’s like having other bodies in your house.

I think you need a further conversation with your DS. Why isn’t he saving more? Where has all his money gone? How long would he want to stay? Does he appreciate that you are going to have early starts so having them in the house will come at a cost to you which you wouldn’t appreciate if they’re in fact spending rent money on a cosy lifestyle or a 50% deposit or a cash purchase or whatever. They’re not seeing you as a person, it feels like. More a means to an end. (They’re 21yo, it’s not she inappropriate but they need to learn)

Telling your son that he can move back in, but his GF can't, when they have been in a reasonably well established relationship would potentially severely damage your relationship with your future DIL. It would be different if it was a brand new relationship, but they have been together at least 2.5 years. I can't think of many ways of driving a wedge between you and them more effectively.

If they stayed together and then bought a house, I would not be surprised if OP got fairly few invites around.

The parking is a perfectly good reason to say no, and if they moved in I would be saying that they would have to accept things like not making lots of noise in the evening as you have an early night, hearing the shower /loo v early in the morning as you need to get ready.

just say no. If you feel awkward about declining you could tell him you attempted to switch your shift, but are unable to. Therefore having them move back in won’t work for you.

They are still very young but are both working, earning and saving for a goal, which are all good things. Remember being young? How we used to spend on on clothes, entertainment etc! My goodness, it was something to behold. And they have two cars. Cars aren't cost free. They are doing very well, I would say.

If I were you, I wouldn't shut the door but would help them out by having them for a couple of nights a week, bringing just one car with them - is that possible? That would give them a break from the cramping and busy household. Not too onerous for you, either, I would hope.

I'd say yes but tell them the rent will be £500/month!

I'd tell them that the son can live here or they can rent elsewhere.

I'd want to see their joint financial plan for saving, showing income and expenditure and I would want to know why they've saved so little, so far.

If they don't like that request, and are not happy with the offer of your DS moving back in, them living separately whilst they save - then it'd be a hard no.

They have already had years to save with the cheap option of living with her parents.

They have not yet experienced living together without any other adults, and shouldering the responsibility of running a household, maintaining a property etc etc - they really need to do this before they buy.

I don't think you'd actually be doing them any favours if you let them both move in, on a lower than market rental rate with all the benefits of the whole house at their disposal (rather than what a lodger would get for probably more money!).

I would only agree to it if they paid £450 a month and helped with housework, cooking etc. I would let them stay but I would expect them to be very sensible with money and wouldn’t let them take the piss. They want an adult relationship then they can act like adults and styay with you on a rent a room type basis rather then kids moving back type thing.
it won’t be long before all the nagging and the rules make them want to save up or rent somewhere sooner.

I would be telling my son that as he is an adult who earns more than me, it's cheeky for him to expect him and his girlfriend to move into my home and live off me! Very cheeky!

It sounds to me that it’s about one room being bigger than the other is the main issue (for them at least). I’d say no on that basis because you don’t want them to get too comfortable. They have more than enough to rent. At a push, like others I’d agree to your son moving home on his own, but not the both of them.

My son is rather “messy”
I went halves with him to rent a flat at 19 ( gave me my house back ) and then when Rishi paused stamp duty ( only paid the extra 3%) I bought another house that he now lives in and rents off me for cost. The point of my post is - no way could I have my son living with me. Yours earns a lot, he needs to make his own way in the world.

Nope.

They need to rent!

They're adults in an adult relationship, with two steady incomes. They can afford to stand on their own two feet and save for a deposit, so they should. It's awkward that they haven't come to this conclusion on their own, but I wouldn't want to change my job to enable them to move back in, especially if they're increasing your load of housework.

I don’t quite get the ‘young’ arguement. Thousands of students go off to university each year at the age of eighteen and have to pay rent, buy food, do their washing etc. Admittedly, they don’t have extras such as council tax, energy bills etc, but many don’t return home at the age of twenty one, so do have these to contend with.

Your son is an absolute pisstaker! Of course, he does not want to spend out on rent and live it up instead. Would a selfish git!

*What

He can come home, she can’t move back in. If they want to be a grown up couple , they can rent a flat. This is a better step before marriage / buying a house.

I think buying together when they’ve never lived together properly (aka had to run a house together) would be bonkers. Tell him to rent.