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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

200 replies

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

OP posts:
exexpat · 27/05/2023 20:49

They should move out and rent together for many reasons, not just because you don't really want two extra people in your house.

They are earning grown-up salaries, so they should be living like grown-ups.
It is a good test of their long term relationship potential to be living in their own house, having to pay all bills, manage a budget, and do their own cooking, cleaning and laundry, rather than relying on someone else to manage all the stuff of day-to-day life. The way they manage that and divide up responsibilities will tell them a lot about the long term potential of their relationship.

Also, if they want to be able to get a mortgage, they need a good credit record. Paying rent and bills will build up their credit scores.

SargentSagittarius · 27/05/2023 20:50

BriarHare · 27/05/2023 20:47

I have a 21 year old (at uni). I can’t imagine turning my back on him regardless of the circumstances.

For heaven’s sake!

She isn’t ‘turning her back on him’ - how needlessly melodramatic.

He’s not at uni like your son is. He’s in a well paid job with a partner - so double income.

We all have to stand on our own two feet at some point, and he couldn’t be better positioned to start being independent.

I’m sure there will always be a room for him if he NEEDS it.

Comedycook · 27/05/2023 20:50

BriarHare · 27/05/2023 20:47

I have a 21 year old (at uni). I can’t imagine turning my back on him regardless of the circumstances.

Saying no to him and his girlfriend moving in when they earn circa £80k combined and live in a area with cheap rent is hardly turning your back.

But anyway, I'm so baffled that a couple in their early twenties wouldn't rather have their own place.

greyhairnomore · 27/05/2023 20:51

Can't they try for a mortgage ? The houses look fairly reasonable there.

SargentSagittarius · 27/05/2023 20:52

And of course they must live together independently before getting mortgaged up.

Paq · 27/05/2023 20:52

I'd let him move in, but not her. If they want to live together like adults they can get their own place.

Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 20:53

I totally agree about renting being a trial run for living together - and have already tried to impress this on them, but in their eyes they are doing that already. However they have no experience of maintaining a property, paying the bills etc, or what affect any these pressures may bring to their relationship.

Problem is although my son is a doing well for himself at an early age, and I am incredibly proud of his work ethic, he is also still immature in a lot of ways and unrealistic in others.

I have suggested they live under separate roofs short term whilst they save, my son being here alone would be a lot easier and less disruptive.........she is not keen on the idea but equally she is the one wanting more space so a compromise may need to be had.

OP posts:
Rewis · 27/05/2023 20:54

Call me old fashiones but I don't think you should be in a common-law marriage and live with parents. If you're young and live with parents then you don't have the privilege to live with your partner. If you want to live with your partner in an adult relationship then you have to rent 🤷🏼‍♀️

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 27/05/2023 20:56

They are adults earning decent money in an area where rents are quite reasonable. No reason they should be returning to the nest, OP.

Of course they can budget and continue to save for a house; it's called "adulting"😀YANBU.

SD1978 · 27/05/2023 20:59

Joint income of £4000, they pay £100 each there, and have only saved £7000 in 10months. I'd tell them to rent. They should have double that with how low their costs are. I wouldn't be having them move back in.

Therealjudgejudy · 27/05/2023 21:00

They should absolutely be standing on their own 2 feet.

Did they help with housework and cooking when they were there before?

PurpleParrots · 27/05/2023 21:01

Im in a similar situation. I’d give anything for DD and her BF to rent a home under £1000 a month - and move out!

Ragwort · 27/05/2023 21:01

Rewis totally agree, 21 is actually (in my opinion) quite young to be living as a couple ... if they are serious and want to be together then surely they would rather have their own home than sharing a childhood bedroom and having DPs around all the time.
Stand firm OP.

As an aside, this thread reminds me of my 25 year old self relocating to Newtown and happily living in a house share before buying my own place Grin.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 27/05/2023 21:01

they have no experience of maintaining a property, paying the bills etc, or what affect any these pressures may bring to their relationship.

Exactly! They are "playing house" at the moment with all of the fun and none of the responsibilities of a full adult relationship. Enabling them to do that for the long term isn't really doing them any favors.

viques · 27/05/2023 21:02

If they are only paying her parents that tiny amount of rent why have they only saved 7 grand? I agree with an upthread poster, living in a smaller room will give them the incentive to really work on their savings.

Tell them they either stay where they are or rent.

NicLondon1 · 27/05/2023 21:03

I think you’d be justified to say it doesn’t suit you now - BUT as a parent, it would also be incredibly kind of you to put up with it for a year or two to really help them to buy!
As others have suggested - charge them rent (even £1k per month) and keep this for them as their deposit.

CountessBathorysBeautySecrets · 27/05/2023 21:05

He can move back in by himself or they can rent a flat together.

gamerchick · 27/05/2023 21:06

No. Absolutely not. The motivation is them being cramped. If they're a bit too comfortable, you'll watch them live a very comfortable life and grow resentful.

sunnydaysandhappythoughts · 27/05/2023 21:07

Rewis · 27/05/2023 20:54

Call me old fashiones but I don't think you should be in a common-law marriage and live with parents. If you're young and live with parents then you don't have the privilege to live with your partner. If you want to live with your partner in an adult relationship then you have to rent 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know it's just a term of speech but the concept of common law marriage does not exist in law

CovertImage · 27/05/2023 21:08

As others have suggested - charge them rent (even £1k per month) and keep this for them as their deposit.

I think only one person suggested it and it's a crap idea. What's in it for OP other than "being kind" (TM).

It's one thing her son moving in but another adult? He alone earns more than OP!

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 27/05/2023 21:09

Something doesn't add up. If they are pulling in £3k a month between them, why have they only got £7k in savings despite only £200 per month board and a mobile phone bill each?

I'd say no to them both moving in. Tell your son he has two options:

Option 1: He can move back in for 12 months to save. At the end of the 12 months he should have sufficient money to move out and buy (given his income). GF can stay over no more than two nights per week. The 12 month time limit is to ensure that he focuses on seriously saving.

Option 2: If they insist on still living together, then they need to rent somewhere.

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2023 21:11

I'd say he can move home and gf stays at her parents, she can stay 2 nights a week when you are not working.

Rewis · 27/05/2023 21:12

sunnydaysandhappythoughts · 27/05/2023 21:07

I know it's just a term of speech but the concept of common law marriage does not exist in law

Show quote history

I know it doesn't exist in the UK. It was just to for added emphasis and drama on the "adult relationship" aspect 🙂

SargentSagittarius · 27/05/2023 21:12

I totally agree about renting being a trial run for living together - and have already tried to impress this on them, but in their eyes they are doing that already. However they have no experience of maintaining a property, paying the bills etc, or what affect any these pressures may bring to their relationship.

Well, exactly - they have absolutely no idea. And I don’t think you’re doing them any favours by not impressing this upon them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/05/2023 21:15

If they do move back then there should be house rules about comings and goings with you having a 4am start - they can afford the odd premier inn for a night out rather than disturbing you.

And same with the parking. Why would you be competing for it? My teens wouldn’t dream of taking a space and leaving DH and I without. They’ll absolutely compete with each other, but our spaces are sacrosanct as we pay for them.

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