Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

200 replies

Akrotiri1 · 27/05/2023 19:56

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 22:22

Did you charge him rent? I do feel that they should be standing on their own two feet, there doesn’t appear to be any reason for them to live with you apart from it’s a free ride!

Dixiechickonhols · 27/05/2023 22:23

I’d say it won’t work with your new shifts. Presumably you go to bed and need quiet from 7.30/8pm ish.
Their income is fine to live independently.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 27/05/2023 22:24

sweetdreamstenasee · 27/05/2023 20:43

They should rent, because they can afford to, but also because they’re very young. I don’t mean to be patronising but it seems like a good idea for them to manage a house together before the commitment of buying together and see how they get on with that for a while. It’s quite a jump going from living at your parents to having a mortgage without the experience of sorting your own bills, council tax, cleaning a whole house, doing a full food shop ect. All the best to them though!

100% this ☝️

Crumpleton · 27/05/2023 22:25

she is the one wanting more space so a compromise may need to be had.

Well that space certainly wouldn't be at my house.
Bit cheeky of her to assume that she can move back to yours just because she wants more space.
Maybe suggested she stays put and your son comes home.

At 21 both my DC were in full time work living at home but I'd never of let their partners move in.

caringcarer · 27/05/2023 22:26

I'm a softy so I would let them move back in until they had saved a £12k deposit. It should not take them too long. I would tell your son that your car and DH car have first dibs on the parking on the drive though. No compromise on that.

caringcarer · 27/05/2023 22:27

They should both be saving into a separate LISA so the government adds money to their savings.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/05/2023 22:51

I think you need to watch out for the living separately to be honest. Before you know it, she'll have moved in anyway -it'll quickly go from living separately to gf staying over at weekends, to Fridays too, to "we've got plans Tuesday eve so gf is staying" etc etc..... before you know it she's living at home but "staying over 6/7 nights a week anyway.

I think I'd potentially have them stay but cement the ground rules beforehand - the driveway is YOURS, they park elsewhere, the nights you're out at work early are quiet nights, chores are shared and they pull their weight...

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/05/2023 22:52

Oh and they have to be saving far harder than they are currently!

MadCatLady27 · 27/05/2023 22:55

You could allow your son to come back, but definitely don't feel you should take on his GF - She can stay with her own family

MysteryBelle · 27/05/2023 22:58

You’re not unreasonable at all but if they would agree to predetermined parking places that won’t impact you, and being very thoughtful of your early starts, then maybe listen to your heart and let them come. They can save up much faster for a deposit on a house that way.

MysteryBelle · 27/05/2023 22:58

MadCatLady27 · 27/05/2023 22:55

You could allow your son to come back, but definitely don't feel you should take on his GF - She can stay with her own family

This is a good option.

Clementinesucks · 27/05/2023 23:05

If they earn more than you, you should not be subsidising them in any way. You have your retirement to think of.

If you decide you are happy to have them back, charge them an amount that covers food and lodging (really covers it) and tell them they don’t park on your driveway under any circumstances.

I’d just be saying no though.

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 23:15

For the last 10 mths they've had a joint income of £4000 yet only saved £700pm, wtaf do they do with their money? how do they think they'll afford a mortgage and bills?
I'd let them back with set rules; £500pm keep, save £2000pm minimum for one year, they'd have £30k in a year saved.

Blossomtoes · 27/05/2023 23:22

It would be a no from me. Time to cut the apron strings.

heyitsthistle · 27/05/2023 23:35

They should contribute 30% of their gross salaries into their pensions, have £1,200pcm for general spending and put the rest in savings. They'll buy a house in no time.

heyitsthistle · 27/05/2023 23:36

**whilst living in your house for 6 months. Then they've gotta move out.

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2023 23:50

Sorry darling, I had a lot more housework when you were here last and no use of my drive- I do 4am starts now and neither of those would suit. Also, frankly if you think a room at mummy and daddy’s counts as a trial living together situation then that just shouts that you really do need to rent together and discover housework and bills with no one else responsible.

Daleksatemyshed · 28/05/2023 00:54

If you start work so early this isn't a good idea Op. They'll agree to all sorts before they move in but if they keep waking you, or don't save much, or don't do any housework it will end up in a row.

mainsfed · 28/05/2023 00:56

I have suggested they live under separate roofs short term whilst they save, my son being here alone would be a lot easier and less disruptive.........she is not keen on the idea but equally she is the one wanting more space so a compromise may need to be had.

This is what I was going to suggest, son stays with you, she stays at her parents.

She can’t use your son as a passport to a bigger room.

DaysAndDays · 28/05/2023 01:12

I'd say yes. I enjoy having my kids around and it won't be for long. Your son and his girlfriend are doing brilliantly earning so much so it's not like they are slacking. I'd make sure they were contributing to chores and bills on a properly equal footing. I'd also tell them that they won't have any parking. At all.

My four kids are in their mid and late 20's and have their own homes but I have always enjoyed them living with us when they were younger. I like having a lively house and find it a bit quiet now that it's just me and my husband.

If the job and early morning noise is an issue then by all means say no. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying no.

Might it work better if they split their time between your house and his girlfriends Mums house. Even better, what about they do 4 nights during the week at their own parents house then both come to yours for the weekend?

I once said no to one of my kids girlfriends staying the whole summer at our hour when they were about 23 - my son was at Uni but home for the summer. I liked his girlfriend but she was extremely messy and would sleep all day and potter around in the middle of the night. I knew it would irritate me. I explained to my son and he completely understood. Their relationship didn't last.

CherryCokeFanatic · 28/05/2023 01:16

YANBU to say no and the reality is you don’t need a reason beyond saying you are adults now and between you both have plenty of money to rent your own place and save towards a deposit

DaysAndDays · 28/05/2023 01:18

Fair play to your son for earning so much. You must be proud of him. He must have his head screwed on.
I'd be happy for him to spend some of his money on fun things such as travelling and going out. You only live once and he is young to be too tied up in saving. Id be nervous of him buying too quickly with his girlfriend. What are the chances they will stay together? Is there any chance he could buy alone. I guess most of the money he has saved has been from his wage.

They should definitely live together before buying.

bridgetreilly · 28/05/2023 01:19

I would let them move in on condition:

  1. they do not park in your drive
  2. they are respectful of your early shifts and are not noisy past a certain time
  3. they have saved a deposit and are in the process of house purchasing within 12 months.
CKL987 · 28/05/2023 01:22

Tell them they can come to yours if they pay something like £400 a month each. See what that does to their decision.

JenniferBarkley · 28/05/2023 01:25

I would say no, and I wouldn't get hung up on logistics like your job or parking.

I'd be very clear - you let them both stay to get on their feet, but they're at a different stage of life now and that no longer applies. As adults with jobs they need to stand on their own feet.

Your son will always be welcome, but not with a partner. She can stay one night a week at most. If he does choose to move back in, he will be one of three working adults and expected to cover a third of the bills. This is nothing against the partner, who you like very much, it just reflects their different stages of life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread