To say my 21 yr old son and his girlfriend can't move back in, and should find a flat?

[Akrotiri1]

A real heart vs head one....

My son and his girlfriend lived with us for a year and a half, whilst finishing college and transitioning into the working world.

Around 10 mmths ago my son moved out to live at his girlfriends parents house, as she had just got a new job, couldn't drive, so needed to be close enough to walk to work.

My son has a very good job for his age, with around £2500 disposable income, her not so much as working in care, but takes home approx £1500 pcm. Their only current bills are their mobiles and £100 each towards keep at hers.

She has now passed her driving test and recently they asked to move back into our family home as the bedroom is bigger, and they are feeling cramped at hers and they have a big household with younger children, whereas it is just me and my partner at ours.

However my issue is that I recently took on a new job, which requires 4am starts - not a job I would ever considered when we us all lived together before, as a lot more comings and goings/housework with them in the house.

The other concern is that we do not have space for 2 more vehicles, and there is no on street parking either, so we would constantly be competing for parking spaces which could cause friction.

I also feel that as they have quite a substantial disposable income, renting proper accommodation would be a more appropriate option, but my son does not want to spend out on rent as currently saving for a house deposit. However living in mid wales, a 1 bed flat is only around £450 pcm, so can't see that between them why they cannot afford household bills and save at the same time? They have already saved approx £7000.

Then my heart says let them return here as it is my sons home too, and that there will always be a room kept spare for him, whether he is 21yrs or 41yrs, and have even considered changing jobs to one with later starts so the early mornings are no longer an issue.....

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet, without feeling guilty for it/or them making us feel guilty for it?

And a wwyd in the situation?

Thanks

So I suppose my question is when do we stop mothering them like children and encouraging them to stand on their own 2 feet

I'd say when they get to be 21 with £2,500 disposable income.

The modern thing of people thinking renting a space to live in is not fair or beyond the pale, is very odd.

They should get there own place for sure. They'll still have plenty to save.

The parking thing could cause issues for you with your neighbours, too, which would make your life more stressful.

Tread carefully! I love my kids to bits and I missed them terribly when the elder two were living away from home. Broke my heart every time they went away again.

However, second DC has been living at home FOC for a year. Bolshy when asked to do any housework - it's not their house, they don't care. Same with eldest who pays a minimal rent - FT permanent job but saving to buy a house. Youngest in uni, £70/month for car insurance, £40/month for phone, no bills, p/t job + student finance.

2nd aged 24 has accepted a place on a masters course that will cost £10,000. Seems to think we are going to fund this.

We are not made of money and hope to retire within the next few years (would do it now if we could!!)

We have always been a close family unit but right now the laziness and sense of entitlement is driving me mad.

Why not compromise OP.
They will be able to buy their own place if they can save more. They’ll save more by being at yours. Also, as you say, there will always be a place at your house for your ds as it is his home too.
As you don’t want to feel like you are denying him his home why not agree to a fixed term, say a year, after which they rent.
If you do I suggest you tell them the parking spaces at your property are not to be used by them. Just tell them you don’t want it to cause upset so it’s better to get everything out in the open at the beginning

I would have them on the condition they hand over £2.5k per month for you to save on their behalf. They're obviously useless at saving and it would be good to get them on the property ladder ASAP.

It would be a no from me. My DDs are much younger but I believe that once they’re adults I’m going to want them to behave like adults and live independently…I quit having roommates an awful long time ago.

This could be a good compromise

It’s a hard one isn’t it 🙈 I have a room at my moms available at all times…I’m 38 🤷‍♂️

But yes realistically they need to get there own place…

Your potential cuckoos are not willing to fly any nest and between both families they are being cushioned and stunted from actual adult reality. They have enough money to rent. The savings they have accrued so far are pitiful relative to income and outgoings.
You let them move in you are stunting and damaging their chances of independence

This.

what are they doing with their money? Having a good time?

Renting is the way to go. It's shite but it's an invaluable life lesson. Your boy sounds a wee bit spoiled tbh.

Rent of 15-20% of take home pay is incredibly affordable. I agree tell them sorry but no.

Or you can say, yes but it is £450/mo in rent. The going rate for a lodger round here is £600-£750/mo btw…per lodger.

I would also let the move in with conditions

• an initial trial period of 2 months.
• a review of the set up every 6 months
• no parking on the driveway
• being very quiet after 7:30pm, your bedtime
• Fully taking on set chores in the house (cleaning kitchen daily, doing household laundry daily, cooking for everyone once a week, mowing lawn once a week)
• Buying own food in
• paying 1/2 of electricity, gas, council tax,

I would not agree to them moving back in.

mice read the thread and reread your OP and it seems to me that their reasons for wanting to move in with you are for their own convenience. There is nothing in your OP about them offering to pay towards bills, share cleaning or about minimising any inconvenience that they cause you.

I’d be very wary on that basis. If they want to live together as a couple they need to do so properly.

As far as I'm concerned they should have saved more than 7,000 in 10 months. Probably twice that. Your job is the most important thing right now.

I think your being reasonable to say no

your son and his partner get £4000 a month and have say £200 of bills plus the money they pay in food and petrol

if rent is £450 plus council tax utility bills they could still probably save £1500 a month which isn’t bad at their age

they would have their own space could still save and be free to be a young couple

they currently have an option of somewhere to stay to save quicker and they don’t like the space or the fact there is younger kids so why should they come to you if they want the luxury of space rent a flat together

you need to be healthy for you especially with 4am starts - I would say sure have them if they didn’t have that other option at hers but no as they do your being perfectly reasonable

You could let them move in for a year with strict boundaries in place

They save £2.5K a month minimum
They pay you £150 /month each
The drive is yours alone
They respect your need to go to bed early ( and don’t make noise after 9pm)
They do a substantial amount of the housework

I wouldn’t as who knows how long this would go on. They have decent incoming (combined) and hardly any outgoing but have only saved such a small amount. Unless they have only been together for 3 months I’d have expected a LOT more to have been saved and would be worried they would keep up this slow pace if they moved in.

Completely agree. Is it really in their best interest to get on the property ladder asap? Given their age, the fact they want to buy together, and seem live in a cheap part of the country - I think there are very good reasons for taking it a bit slower and rent first. It will give them a chance to see how their relationship fares when it's just the two of them. Equally important, renting somewhere (or even a couple of different places over time) will possibly give them a much better sense of what is important to them in a house/apartment. It was only after years or renting beautiful, but draughty and difficult to heat, high-ceilinged period properties that DH and I decided to only look at newer builts once we were in a position to buy, for example.

In their case, I don't consider renting to be a waste of money. I think it will be an excellent opportunity for them to take the next step in their relationship before committing to a house purchase together.

I think you should use the 4am starts and lack of parking as reasons why it wouldn't work at yours anymore. It would be annoying for your neighbours to have all those cars at one property clogging up the road.

Rentals seem so cheap in your area, they can easily afford one.

With 4K, they should definitely rent somewhere. How well do you know his girlfriend? Can you ask them both over for dinner and talk about finances and the reality of setting up a home together? And the fact they have more money than you. I totally agree with the comment that you shouldn’t be subsiding him when you earn less and that you have your retirement to think about. Right now, they’re “playing house’.

What's with all these people living with their parents? When I was 21 I'd rather have lived in a one man tent than live with my parents.
I saved up for a house whilst living in an HMO. They would have seriously cramped my style.

Well in a lot of areas - like the SE where I live, rentals are extremely expensive so young people can't afford them at the start of their careers, especially if single.

But in OPs situation, rentals seem cheap in Wales, plus her son has a well paid job plus a gf who is also working.

I'd let them but lay down rules -
Quiet once you go bed
No parking on drive

And make them aware you are up early. I get why they don't want to rent as it means they can buy quicker. You could also put a time limit on so they save quicker. Say a year.

No way.

Time for them to grow up and adult like everyone else does.

Do they expect you to cook and clean up after them too.

No way