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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

743 replies

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 18:21

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

OP posts:
GloomySkies · 27/05/2023 18:25

I'm not in the least bit jealous in relationships but I wouldn't stay with you. You seem to never give a partner a proper, unbroken block of time and attention from you. Any partner is going to feel like a third wheel in that situation. Can't even get through a film? If a partner was that demanding of your time they'd be called jealous and controlling and you'd be told it's a red flag.

TrashyPanda · 27/05/2023 18:25

How old are you?

is this your first relationship?

does she phone when you are at work?

ShinyCaptain · 27/05/2023 18:27

She can wait while you watch a film.

He can stop being a boor and giving you the silent treatment.

Darkandstormynite · 27/05/2023 18:28

To be honest it does sound very suffocating and co-dependent. I'm not sure I'd cope with the constant intrusion if I were your partner.

Sounds like your going to have to choose, your mum or your partner. I'm guessing you'll immediately leap to chosing your mum but I'd take a moment to think on that. At some point your mum will pass on and you'll be left with what you've built with your life. I'm not saying you have to choose this guy but you may want to build a life with someone.

As a mum myself, I would never put my child in a position where I was preventing them from having their own life.

Pashazade · 27/05/2023 18:28

The thing is her phoning during a film would be annoying. However he isn't dealing with it in an adult manner. He's sulking and refusing to discuss or help you create slightly firmer boundaries. You're mum needs to loosen the apron strings a little really, she should be able to not speak to you for two hours!
However his behaviour doesn't seem ideal either....does he get cross when you talk to friends, does he force his opinion or try to make you change in other ways.......?

Temporaryname158 · 27/05/2023 18:30

I’d worry about him being controlling. He wants to distance you and himself from your mum and isn’t close to his family. This is a massive red flag alongside the sulking to make you feel guilty (emotional manipulation).

I would end the relationship

Doingmybest12 · 27/05/2023 18:31

I think it is a lot of contact and checking in and I wouldn't find that appealing in a partner. Esp if it interrupted something we were doing together like watching a film. Him being rude about it is another thing but has he tried talking reasonably. I think you expect different things from a relationship.

Darkandstormynite · 27/05/2023 18:31

Temporaryname158 · 27/05/2023 18:30

I’d worry about him being controlling. He wants to distance you and himself from your mum and isn’t close to his family. This is a massive red flag alongside the sulking to make you feel guilty (emotional manipulation).

I would end the relationship

I'm not sure wanting to watch a film in peace is controlling 😂😂

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 18:32

You all sound like a bit of a nightmare tbh

I couldn't cope with any of it

Bargellobitch · 27/05/2023 18:32

It's a classic sign of abuse trying to destroy or diminish family relationships. How long have you been together?

Bargellobitch · 27/05/2023 18:33

Darkandstormynite · 27/05/2023 18:31

I'm not sure wanting to watch a film in peace is controlling 😂😂

Show quote history

Did you read the rest of the post though? Or are you just selective reading?!

Irritateandunreasonable · 27/05/2023 18:34

It does sound a little like you need to put some boundaries in with your Mum.

TheShellBeach · 27/05/2023 18:34

How long has it been since you left home?

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 27/05/2023 18:34

From his view your dm isn't respectful you are in a relationship.. If she rang during sex what would you do?

Forestfire12345 · 27/05/2023 18:34

Going against the grain here. You said you were happy with your relationship with Mum.
Apart form the film bit , talk to her whenever you want.
Honestly he's a red flag for me...
No one would be telling me to reduce contact with my family.
Dick

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 18:35

Massive Red flag the sulking and refusing to eat his dinner to try and control you. He's the one being weird and a baby.

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 18:36

You can talk to your mum whenever you like if you are happy with it. He can jog on.

ShakeYourFeathers · 27/05/2023 18:37

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 27/05/2023 18:34

From his view your dm isn't respectful you are in a relationship.. If she rang during sex what would you do?

I was just thinking this

It would put me off half expecting the phone going off

I can see where you are coming from op but yabu. Your dp my react with more maturity but your dm constantly ringing would annoy me too

Vitriolinsanity · 27/05/2023 18:38

Surely you can find middle ground. My Dm and I are very close, but we have boundaries and she'd be super upset to think our closeness was effecting my closeness with someone I cared about.

Darkandstormynite · 27/05/2023 18:38

Bargellobitch · 27/05/2023 18:33

Did you read the rest of the post though? Or are you just selective reading?!

Show quote history

Imagine the sex of the OP were reversed and it was a man getting multiple calls from his mum every day. Would you say his GF was controlling for thinking he was a mummy's boy and wanting them to be a little less co-dependent? Didn't think so.

Its lazy thinking to leap, no correction pole vault, straight to control and abuse 🙄

ShinyCaptain · 27/05/2023 18:39

Sulky man child. Ditch it and move on.

ProfessorXtra · 27/05/2023 18:39

Hmmm the way your word it makes it sounds like he is awful.

But actually, he is asking for some interrupted time with you. He wants to be able to do things without the (pretty much) constant contact and I don’t think he is wrong.

It feels like you are trying to cast him as an abuser because he is unhappy. But I can’t work out if that’s what’s happening, or you are putting it that way to get people to agree with you.

I was close to my mum. I am very close to my adult daughter. I still managed to watch a movie with dp. I definitely don’t badger dd if she is with friends or her dp. Best friends also respect their friends time with their partners.

She can possibly need to be in contact this often. If it is her bedtime, can’t she wait til tomorrow.

You don’t want to change and you don’t want to have boundaries with you mother or spend time with your partner without her interrupting. So you are not compatible

thecatsthecats · 27/05/2023 18:41

You say she's like a best friend - I think it's worth saying that this would also be hugely intrusive as a best friend.

ooblavay · 27/05/2023 18:42

I would personally find this absolutely unbearable and intrusive. Even more so if I were your partner and especially if you can't even get through a film together. I'd like to think I wouldn't become an ass over it but it would drive me mad if we were trying to do something together.

It's a difficult one if you're truly happy with the level of contact though. Maybe you could start to prioritise parts of the day - films, meal times etc?

AnonyMenOhPee · 27/05/2023 18:42

Both relationships are problematic. He shouldn’t be dictating or giving you the silent treatment but your mum is WAY too involved in your life and I can see why he thinks it’s a problem