Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

I get it's irritating her ringing at inconvenient times, but not speaking and sulking is a form of control. You decide when you speak to other people, including your mum, not him.

Under no circumstances change your relationship with your Mum, if you are happy with it. It’s none of his business, and he is being controlling to try and curtail your conversations.
On the other hand, if you find some of her calls intrusive, when you’re busy or watching a film etc., can’t you just not take the call, and text her to say you’ll get back to her when you’re free? Maybe you could be a bit more proactive in managing her expectations around when you’re available. But not because he wants you to.

Have a read about attachment theory. It'll help you see why things are as they are. Also it could help you made better choices around relationships in future.

I agree with Professor I think they're just not compatible. Everytime she thinks he's sulking I suspect he's just thinking it's never going to get any better than this and is exasperated. The relationship is probably not going to work. However I'd be more worried for the OPs future as her mum needs to give the OP space to build her own adult life.

You relationship with your mum would rive me batty as your partner. So I wouldn't have had one. That's the thing, he must have known what it was like!

There's not point telling you to change it, you don't want to. So you should end your relationship.

FYI almost anyone would be peeved if you can't have a night out without being on the phone, or finish a film. It's quite rude and intrusive.

The man just wants to watch a whole film without the same interruption. Controlling ?! Give your head a wobble

The whole best friends thing between mother and daughter can be really unhealthy and often revolves around the mother's emotional needs being met at the expense of other relationships. So I think you should think about that, and be firmer with boundaries. Maybe switch your phone off between agreed times, and let your mum know that you will be doing that. If I never got my husband's undivided attention, and he was constantly on the phone to someone else, I would find that very difficult to live with.

He doesn't sound like he's handling it brilliantly, but maybe he has tried other ways and been ignored or dismissed. If my mother had been like this, I would have never got married, my husband would have run a mile!

My mum and I are the same - she’s my absolute best friend ❤️

But I can see how the film thing would grate on my DH and she wouldn’t do it anyway, so I’d stop that in particular but nothing else would change.

I live on the same street as my DM but we don’t live in each other’s pockets and do actually go a few days without seeing her but we speak multiple times a day.

I would find that level of contact extremely intrusive so I'm not surprised he's complaining about it. I am very close to my DD but we don't have anywhere near this level of contact.

Being close to your Mum and lots of contact: fine.

Being out in a date with someone (boyfriend or friends) and taking calls: rude. Really rude. Let her leave you a message, call back later.

Watching a film with someone and taking calls: rude and irritating. See the missed call and msg her afterwards.

It could be that he is also jealous and possessive, but your behaviour is irritating and it is not reasonable for your Mum to need immediate and constant contact every time she tries to call.

My mum and I are very close and talk a lot.

But if she's busy, she doesn't drop everything and pick up the phone, and vice versa.

You should be able to have uninterrupted time with your partner. If you're in the middle of something, you can call your mum back another time.

As has been said, swap mum for unrelated best friend, and it still sounds too much. You can even talk every day if you want... just not whilst you're in the middle of doing something else.

This is my take on this.
Neither of you are behaving in a very healthy way.

you are just not compatible with your partner.
Possibly you are not compatible with anyone with this level of contact.
Your main relationship is with your mother rather than any partner.
I can’t imagine anyone wanting to live like that.

Do you really pause a film to chat with her? I'd be so annoyed at that!

As others have said I perceive your partner as controlling behaviour as a massive red flag.
You are in danger of him controlling you long term.
Men come and go, even though you are an adult you still need your mum, she’s got your back.

The film situation, just say mum I’ll ring you back after the film has ended, but only if you want to.

One day our mums are gone and trust me you would give anything in the world to hear her voice. 😭

He is rude and uncompromising.
Your mum lacks boundaries and respect.
You are needy and not ready for an adult relationship.

You are all wrong I am afraid! I would find the scenario irritating and your behaviour very very unattractive.

Depends on the kind of mum you have I guess. It wouldn’t be the same for many.

He's a sulky brat.
Your relationship with your mum sounds a nightmare and most people would find it hard to live with.

This post makes me sad. I don’t see anything wrong with your relationship and bond with your
mom. Fine, it may be slightly irritating that she calls at inconvenient times but it’s not her intention and the bottom line is, when she’s gone, she is gone. You will never get the time back with her so personally I wouldn’t ever want to feel like I’m being forced to push my mom away bcus my partner is a jealous twit. He doesn’t sound like someone you should spend your life with IMO.

I think your relationship with your mum is just fine, OP. But most of MN are NC with their mothers so I can see how the majority think it's strange you actually get on with yours.

All those posters saying she'll be sad when her mum is gone and she'll regret it. Can you honestly say, hand on heart, if your husband/boyfriend/partner had exactly the same relationship with their mother you'd be 100% happy?

Be honest.

You'd be happy to have your MIL this much involved in your day-to-day life?

I don't like the sound of him, boring on and on plus handling this immaturely.

However, to be totally honest I wouldn't still be with my DP if his mum was on the blower every 2 minutes, interrupting films and time together. It would feel intrusive and co dependent to me as I am simply not the type of person that likes being on the phone so much.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound very nice. I'd give that some thought. But you also need to find some boundaries and balance with your mum. I would say either loosen the apron strings or maybe see more of her if she's local rather than these constant calls? Do you ever spend quality time together or is it just checking in like this?

I agree.
I lived in the East End for a while and I really liked the closeness of families. There are lots of communities like this , and I suppose it is hard to understand if you aren’t used to it, but sulking and trying to stop you is so childish .
He must have known that you came as a family package !

Oh come on. This is clearly an unhealthy relationship dynamic with the mother. Even when OP does try to assert the smallest boundaries ( I’m watching a film Mum), her mothers over-rides this and carries on speaking. If anyone is controlling it’s the Mother who is still expecting to take primary place in her daughter’s life at expense of OPs other relationships.

i don’t think many people could maintain a romantic relationship with someone whose in the relationship OP is with her Mother.

So you shouldn’t have boundaries with your mother because when she is dead you will regret it?

Dont be ridiculous