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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

743 replies

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 18:21

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

OP posts:
Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:31

My MiL is long dead. And as I said it wouldn't have bothered me at all when she was around if she rang my DH several times a day.

Freddiefox · 27/05/2023 19:32

What happens/what does your mum say/do if you don’t answer the phone?

CovertImage · 27/05/2023 19:33

Darkandstormynite · 27/05/2023 18:38

Imagine the sex of the OP were reversed and it was a man getting multiple calls from his mum every day. Would you say his GF was controlling for thinking he was a mummy's boy and wanting them to be a little less co-dependent? Didn't think so.

Its lazy thinking to leap, no correction pole vault, straight to control and abuse 🙄

Show quote history

Not as lazy as "imagine if the sex of the OP were reversed" like it's some sort of gotcha

Goldrushed · 27/05/2023 19:33

There are two issues here.
It's great you have a good relationship with your mum but it does need to come with some boundaries. For you because you do need to have some independence from her and because very few partners would be happy with the constant interruptions.

But, the way your partner is dealing with this is shitty and immature. A rational and sensible conversation is fine but the sulking and meanness is pathetic and does make me worry about his attitude and the way he treats you in general.

In your shoes OP I would ditch him and do some work on myself.

ferneytorro · 27/05/2023 19:33

Xrays · 27/05/2023 19:15

Completely agree with this.

Show quote history

Yep, was just going to type exactly the same. You have my sympathies Op as I did exactly the same in my first relationship. No one has modelled healthy relationships so how would you know what one is.

Greensleeves · 27/05/2023 19:33

ShinyCaptain · 27/05/2023 18:39

Sulky man child. Ditch it and move on.

Yeah, this. He calls you weird and a baby? Fuck him off OP, he's not a nice person.

If you are happy with your relationship with your mum and don't want it to change, then it shouldn't. Personally it would drive me nuts, I like my space, but that's irrelevant - you're happy with it, and it's your life.

YouProbablyWontLikeTheAnswer · 27/05/2023 19:35

Whilst it's really good that you've got a very close relationship with your mum, it does sound far too suffocating. What on earth do you find to talk about, several times a day? Time to be an adult and spend time with your bloke and not your mum. If this post was about a man, he'd be called a mummy's boy/wimp/childish. You say you're not going to change, so you might find that your bloke gets fed-up and finds someone more mature.

Fairislefandango · 27/05/2023 19:36

I agree that both relationships are problematic. Your mum needs to back off. However, the fact that you say : my partner is a jealous type is more worrying imo. You say it as though you just accept that's how he is and you have to just tolerate it. Personally I wouldn't even consider remaining in a relationship with a jealous type.

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:36

YouProbablyWontLikeTheAnswer · 27/05/2023 19:35

Whilst it's really good that you've got a very close relationship with your mum, it does sound far too suffocating. What on earth do you find to talk about, several times a day? Time to be an adult and spend time with your bloke and not your mum. If this post was about a man, he'd be called a mummy's boy/wimp/childish. You say you're not going to change, so you might find that your bloke gets fed-up and finds someone more mature.

Because sulking and refusing to eat his dinner is very mature.

greenel · 27/05/2023 19:36

If I'm honest, not sure why you are in a relationship with him because it sounds like you are married to mum a bit (there's a book with the same title you might read if this becomes a recurring issue in relationships). As an aside do you choose men who aren't that close to their own mums, what would happen if they too spent all their time with mum - when would you ever get quality couple time? Who's mum would be the priority babysitter when you had kids etc if he too had an equally invested mum?

Irrespective of your partner's feelings on the matter, you can't be your own person, and have an equal partnership with anyone if your mum is so involved in your life. I'm Indian and even in modern India, parents have recognised the need to give their children and young couples space to grow and develop into their own people. Your mother's behaviour would be considered codependent by all my Asian friends - talking multiple times a day, interrupting couples time etc - when you do have the space to think and figure out who you are what you want?

You can never be "best friends" with a parent because it's a completely unequal dynamic - it would be like they quite literally created you to fill an emotional gap that other adults are not filling. Also I think it's concerning that you are happy in a relationship your partner is clearly unhappy in.... How is that possible or do his feelings not matter? Surely breaking up with him and finding a man more suited to your lifestyle is the answer?

Xrays · 27/05/2023 19:36

Freddiefox · 27/05/2023 19:32

What happens/what does your mum say/do if you don’t answer the phone?

I am wondering this too. The fact op leaps to answer it shows a worrying dynamic. If the relationship is a healthy one the op wouldn’t feel the need to answer the call until later. My dd is 20 and at university and often doesn’t respond to texts for days (!) but I know she’s busy enjoying herself. I don’t expect her to prioritise me; I’m her mum and she has her own life and I am here if she needs me.

Goldrushed · 27/05/2023 19:37

Icepinkeskimo · 27/05/2023 18:51

As others have said I perceive your partner as controlling behaviour as a massive red flag.
You are in danger of him controlling you long term.
Men come and go, even though you are an adult you still need your mum, she’s got your back.

The film situation, just say mum I’ll ring you back after the film has ended, but only if you want to.

One day our mums are gone and trust me you would give anything in the world to hear her voice. 😭

Does she have her daughter's back though? It doesn't sound like she's letting her have a full life that's healthily independent from her.

Darkandstormynite · 27/05/2023 19:38

CovertImage · 27/05/2023 19:33

Not as lazy as "imagine if the sex of the OP were reversed" like it's some sort of gotcha

Show quote history

Possibly you're right. And it is a cliché often used on MN. But, I think in this instance it does clarify the situation.

@CovertImage in all honesty, would you find this an attractive behaviour in a man?

Twiglets1 · 27/05/2023 19:39

To be completely honest, I would find this very irritating in a partner. You need to set some boundaries with your mum like only phoning once every two or three days.

squidgybits · 27/05/2023 19:40

If I was him I would have walked a long time ago
Grow up OP!

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 27/05/2023 19:40

He is dealing with it very badly, silent treatment and sulking is dick behaviour and I wouldn't like it.

However, I also wouldn't be in a relationship with someone that close to their mother. I'd find it too much - texting her while on dates, calling multiple times a day every day (would this apply if you were on holiday with your partner, for example?), not managing to get through a film without talking to her (can't you just say "not now, I'll call you later/tomorrow?" Or just not pick up, leave your phone upstairs for an evening?)

So this guy may be a bit of a twat in how he deals with it, and this may be a dealbreaker. But I doubt he will be the only partner/potential partner to have an issue with it, even if others deal with it more maturely.

Coyoacan · 27/05/2023 19:41

I think you should move back home and save on the phone calls

Wexone · 27/05/2023 19:42

Sweet lord no. I am sorry yes she is yoir mother but no no you are not nest friends
she is your parent not your friend. as peole said would you answer the phone to her during sex ? do yoi have any other friends? you say he is sulking etc but has he tried to stop this for a while? how long are you together and how long is he putting up with this ? I think you need to work on both relationships step away from your mother and also work on quality time with your boyfriend. does your mother have any friends of her own age ? hobbies or clubs she is part off. do you have hobbies and clubs etc of your own ? take a step back and have a long hard look at both sides

DanceMonster · 27/05/2023 19:42

Honestly if my husband and I couldn’t even watch a film without him having to pause it to speak to his mum it would drive me absolutely insane.

MargotBamborough · 27/05/2023 19:43

It's generally a red flag if a partner tries to come between you and your family but OMG it would drive me nuts if I couldn't watch a film without my MIL calling in the middle of it, especially if she already knew we were watching a film but had just decided what whatever she wanted was more important. I don't think you should pick up the phone in that situation tbh.

So yeah, it's difficult to judge this one.

greenel · 27/05/2023 19:46

greenel · 27/05/2023 19:36

If I'm honest, not sure why you are in a relationship with him because it sounds like you are married to mum a bit (there's a book with the same title you might read if this becomes a recurring issue in relationships). As an aside do you choose men who aren't that close to their own mums, what would happen if they too spent all their time with mum - when would you ever get quality couple time? Who's mum would be the priority babysitter when you had kids etc if he too had an equally invested mum?

Irrespective of your partner's feelings on the matter, you can't be your own person, and have an equal partnership with anyone if your mum is so involved in your life. I'm Indian and even in modern India, parents have recognised the need to give their children and young couples space to grow and develop into their own people. Your mother's behaviour would be considered codependent by all my Asian friends - talking multiple times a day, interrupting couples time etc - when you do have the space to think and figure out who you are what you want?

You can never be "best friends" with a parent because it's a completely unequal dynamic - it would be like they quite literally created you to fill an emotional gap that other adults are not filling. Also I think it's concerning that you are happy in a relationship your partner is clearly unhappy in.... How is that possible or do his feelings not matter? Surely breaking up with him and finding a man more suited to your lifestyle is the answer?

Just to add that if you purposely choose men not close to their own families do your mum can be the only "mum" who is centre stage in your relationship- you're being a hypocrite.

If family values are important, why not date a man who also sees his mum as his best friend? I'm guessing it's because you wouldn't be ok, and neither would your mum, with another taking up time and investment from your relationship. That should be the criteria by which you determine appropriateness in the relationship- would you accept it from a DP?

olympicsrock · 27/05/2023 19:48

I’m with DH. You are married to him not your mother. You do need to carve out some couple time. Perhaps you turn your phone on silent when you are watching tv/ a film. Perhaps ask her to text if urgent. Or she could text to check it’s a good time to talk?

Very few people are so entrenched with their parent.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 27/05/2023 19:48

I could never be in a romantic relationship with someone who was in a codependent relationship with their parent. "My mothers is my best friend!" would be a huge red flag for me. Complete turnoff.

That said, if you are comfortable with your relationship with your mother and have no desire to make any changes, then you shouldn't have to.

I would say that you and your boyfriend just aren't compatible. He's never going to accept this "threesome" and you don't want independence from your parent.

It's not going to work, OP.

MermaidMaggie · 27/05/2023 19:49

Your mum is competing with your partner for attention. He knows it. She knows it. You are the only one who hasn't realised it.

Neither are healthy relationships. They are both based on control.

MsCactus · 27/05/2023 19:51

I'm best friends with my mum too ... We call several times a day. I've had to cancel things at work before because she's rang me in tears (but she'd do the same for me in a heartbeat).

My husband doesn't have an issue with it. He'd be annoyed if she kept interrupting our films/alone time, but tbh I'd get annoyed with that too. There's time and space in my life for both of them.

Maybe your partner is feeling neglected - give him a bit more attention, that should solve the issue. But I'd definitely say there's nothing wrong with your mother-daughter relationship. If you give your husband enough attention and he still complains, he's being unreasonable and you'll need to be firmer with him.

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