Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

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Your mum is competing with your partner for attention. He knows it. She knows it. You are the only one who hasn't realised it

Absolutely this.

Exactly.

I can see this from both sides - I speak to my mum several times a day (sometimes when it's a little inconvenient) but we've not long lost my dad and that's what she needs.
5 minutes here and there is nothing...half an hour or more and perhaps you need to have a rethink, for balance! However the name calling would be a deal breaker for me. Your partner sounds like the baby!

Honestly, this level of codependency would absolutely do my head in.

Your behaviour makes it clear that your mother is your priority. You’ll interrupt a date, a film, whatever is going on for her to chat to you.

It’s definitely not behaviour I’d tolerate in a relationship. An emergency? Absolutely fine. But just to touch base? Nope. Plans as a couple should matter, not get tossed aside or interrupted because a parent calls to chat.

I'd not put up with it if my husband was speaking to his parents several times a day and interrupting our family time.

It's extremely inconsiderate of you and your mother. You should time your conversations for when your partner is doing his own things. Currently you're treating him like he's bottom of the pecking order.

If you and your Mum are happy with how your relationships is, then this partner is not the one for you. Find someone who is secure enough to not bother about trying to control how much you interact with your Mum

My husband was like this. It took me soo long for me to make him realise I was a person who wanted to be with him too. He'd end our phone calls if one of his parents called. I couldn't take it anymore so I have him an ultimate, he cuts the ties or we split.
Thankfully he cut the ties and now we all have a better relationship, including him with them.

Your situation is different if your mum does not have a partner but it almost split me and my now husband up, so I can completely understand your parents issues with this. If you can't even finish a film then that isn't right.

You made your DH cut ties with his own family?

Yes sure. I always say goodnight to my mum before we go to sleep. Always have. So if said film doesn’t finish until past her bedtime, she may quickly call to say goodnight. We’re talking a couple of minutes on the phone that’s all rather than me ignore her and then her stay awake until late to say goodnight. I know that will be weird to others, but it’s just something we have and will always do and she always did with her mum etc.

for example tonight she is out with her friends and she called me (didn’t know I was watching TV with my partner) and I answered and he was rolling his eyes and wouldn’t pause the TV. Mum just wanted my opinion on what shoes to wear, I gave it, said have a good night and then carried ok watching my programme. Told her to text when at said place , this is something we always do to eachother , and to keep in touch so I know she is ok. When I am out I will check in with her too every so often so she knows I’m ok. She lost her dad to cancer and I did too so we both know how fragile life is and if that makes us co-dependent then I guess we are but it’s all with good intentions and out of love.

im open to opinions though and I see that I have to take on my OH feelings about this as I can see it may be frustrating.

I agree with the majority that your relationship with your mum sounds unusual.

For those from a similar community who say that this is typical behaviour, would that also include the being unable to wait after being told that you were watching a film to call and speak about something non-urgent? Does your mum ring you at work multiple times as well?

The thing that I would be most interested in, OP is that you describe your partner as jealous - is he jealous in general or is it only the relationship with your mum that's a problem? If he isn't bothered by you spending time with friends/work colleagues/hobbies etc without him, and it's just your mum, then I don't think that he is being unreasonable - only a small minority of people would find your mum's behaviour OK. He's not wrong to find it irksome, although clearly sulking isn't an adult way to manage things. Has he tried to talk to you about it in a more adult way before?

You clearly don't feel that you are in the wrong from your OP, so perhaps it's best that you consider whether each of you would be happier with someone with more compatible beliefs about family relationships.

I’m close to my Mum but not to this level of co-dependency. She’s suffocating you but then your partner also shouldn’t be jealous or controlling of your time either. It sounds like you need proper boundaries with them both

Why can't you text each other good night? Why do you have to have a conversation lasting minutes? I'm close to my mum too, but we text morning, during the day if needs be and last thing at night. Has zero impact on my marriage.

Doesn't your mum have her own life? Sorry, that probably sounds rude and I really don't mean it to!
I wouldn't mind the closeness of your relationship, but the constant phoning must do your partner's head in. The incessant disruptions to films etc would be infuriating. Can't you ignore your phone in those situations?

it’s just something we have and will always do and she always did with her mum
It doesn't mean it can't change and you can see from many replies it's not a common practice, it's enmeshed behaviour and an inability to be independent. I doubt many partners would be completely tolerant of it.

I phone my mum everyday. Sometimes a few times a day. Again, like you, we are very close. My husband had a very difficult relationship with his mum so finds it amusing that we talk so much but doesn’t have any issue with it. However if we are watching sometime and she phones, I text to say i can’t answer, same with if we’re doing something together or out.

i think he’s unreasonable, but I do also think there are times where maybe you shouldn’t take a call or message to say the two of you are busy and to talk later/the next morning. I can understand him getting frustrated when it’s happening when you’re doing things together, that’s perfectly reasonable. However if just a normal chat in the day that’s not really interfering annything annoys him that would be a huge red flag to me.

But women here are told that their husband/partner must not put her and their children first, his birth family must be pushed aside and take a very secondary role.

Honestly your relationship sounds very co dependent. Calling each other every night to say goodnight? You aren't a child at home anymore and it seems like you and your dm don't realise that. I don't blame your dp one bit, I wouldn't want to be with you either. She probably knows every aspect of your relationship too, which I'm guessing also makes him annoyed. Seems like your dm doesn't respect that you are in a relationship. I'm very close to my dm and no way would she do stuff like this, this sounds very enmeshed and suffocating.

Just because it’s with good intentions and done from love doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

The level of dependence you each have on the other is not healthy. It’s very likely that this relationship wend and future ones will be filled with conflict if you don’t make changes.

The thing is - your relationship with your mum is yours.

Your partner is entitled to disagree. He’s even entitled to actively dislike it.

However, if you don’t like something your partner does then you talk to them. Then if it’s a deal breaker you walk away. Sulking and issuing threats and badgering are just rude and not how adults handle relationship issues.

Youve told him it’s not changing. You don’t want it to change, and you’re entitled to that. So his decision is either to accept it and continue in a relationship with you where it’s an every day factor or walk away. Trying to control it isn’t an acceptable option.

My mum made sure I had contact with my dad following the split, despite the fact he had the affair. She said it was important for me to know my dad.

She has had a couple of long term relationships but tbh she put me first and didn’t just want to bring someone else into the family home. I have so much respect for my mum and she has been a great mother all my life.

Yes, because I'm not some jealous and controlling asshole or a sulky brat who requires the undivided attention of my partner at all times.

I have no time for anyone described as ‘the jealous type’.

However I would not be with a partner who spoke to their mother that frequently - it’s just too suffocating. But I wouldn’t be giving ultimatums - I’d just leave you be.

If you are happy then fine but understand not everyone would enjoy that.

He must feel like he never has your full attention or live in fear of interruption.

See that's the thing that's annoying me about this thread. My DH doesn't go into a massive strop if I get a phone call while I'm with him. I don't have to give him my undivided attention 24/7. Nor him me. We each have our own lives and relationships with various family members.