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Original poster

Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

743 replies

Rosieposey91 · 27/05/2023 18:21

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 27/05/2023 19:03

I have been the partner in this situation and I can honestly say it drove me mad. My exes mum was relentless, she would phone him literally every half an hour when he got home from work.

He would tell her we were just about to have our dinner- she would ring 10 minutes after! I went through all the emotions, mad, furious, worn down, at the point of tears and at my worst downright rude.

If she were calling for an actual reason I could of understood but it was nothing more than a running commentary on what she was doing. And it wasn't because she was on her own, she had her own husband sat right next to her.

I can only thank BT for bringing caller ID out just In the Nick of time. I subscribed double quick and never answered the phone to her ever again, I would hand it straight to my ex.

I can see that maybe your partner doesn't deal with it in the best way but I can also understand why, especially if you just fob him off.
It feels like being stalked and your happily going along with it, just like my ex did.

StopStartStop · 27/05/2023 19:05

Give him his marching orders. Find a local boy who knows the ropes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 19:07

Oh come on. This is clearly an unhealthy relationship dynamic with the mother. Even when OP does try to assert the smallest boundaries ( I’m watching a film Mum), her mothers over-rides this and carries on speaking. If anyone is controlling it’s the Mother who is still expecting to take primary place in her daughter’s life at expense of OPs other relationships.

Exactly what @Magazinenotliving says.

I suspect OP has gone from one controlling relationship with no boundaries to another if she's not careful.

Bayleaf25 · 27/05/2023 19:07

I think there is some middle ground here, it does sound a bit excessive and interrupting a film or similar is really unnecessary. So yes, I think you could be a bit more aware of the time you spend with your partner.

However, he shouldn’t be dictating your relationship with your Mum. I’m sure you can still have an amazing bond without constantly being in contact?

pheonixrebirth · 27/05/2023 19:08

Just to add, my mum was my best friend too and I sadly lost her a few years ago. So I do understand that dynamic.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/05/2023 19:09

Neither relationship sounds healthy.

Xrays · 27/05/2023 19:10

I think you have to be careful that your “she’s my best friend, we’re so close” line isn’t actually born out of feeling guilty for having your own life. I say that as someone whose own mother did exactly that to me. Like you she was a single mum to me for a long time and actually I felt emotionally responsible for her - which isn’t fair and I can see that now. She was like a third wheel in all my relationships, I actually lived with her right up until I was 32 - through a marriage and subsequent divorce that she played a part in for similar reasons your dh has mentioned. Speaking over him is a form of control and narcissistic behaviour, she’s saying she’s the most important person in your life and what he’s saying / doing doesn’t matter. It’s the same reason she rings during a film when she knows you’re trying to watch it.

There’s nothing wrong with loving your Mum and having a close relationship, texting several times a day or having a chat when you’re genuinely free but your dh should be the main person in your life now. That’s how it works. She should build her own life and meet new people. It would be healthier for all of you.

2bazookas · 27/05/2023 19:10

No wonder he's annoyed; you're being rude and insensitive. Mother has contact all day long; you're not a baby. She needs to back off at times she knows DP's home from work and you're spending time as a couple.

When you're out with DP, or eating a meal or watching a film together just turn your phone OFF and be present with him.

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:13

2bazookas · 27/05/2023 19:10

No wonder he's annoyed; you're being rude and insensitive. Mother has contact all day long; you're not a baby. She needs to back off at times she knows DP's home from work and you're spending time as a couple.

When you're out with DP, or eating a meal or watching a film together just turn your phone OFF and be present with him.

You think it's fine for him to sulk and refuse to eat his dinner then?

gannett · 27/05/2023 19:14

I don't like the sound of your partner. If someone is a "jealous type" you need to RUN. There are no good qualities that could make up for having to navigate someone else's irrational jealousy. The sulking and anger is also a bad way to handle any problem.

However I also couldn't stand my partner's mother having the constant presence yours does. It really sounds suffocating. You may be OK with that level of contact but it affects your partner's life as well, and you don't seem to care about that.

I wouldn't answer my phone to anyone mid-film. You shouldn't feel the need to snap to anyone's attention instantly just because they want you. Whatever it is can wait for an hour or two. If you're watching a film WITH someone, interrupting it for a non-essential chat is just downright rude.

NCforpictures · 27/05/2023 19:14

@Rosieposey91 I'm also from the Eastend, this isn't uncommon, it's not for everyone but don't change the relationship with your mum if you're happy with it. Be straight with him and say this is who I am and if that's not ok with you it's best we're not together.
I think you can finish a film though! Just text her we're watching a film is it urgent if not I'll call you when it's finished

Danishlydaning · 27/05/2023 19:15

if my partner repeatedly (as in on different occasions ) kept answering the phone to his mum whilst watching film/spending time together I’d get so fed up. Sounds suffocating. Can you give some more examples of day to day situations this crops up?

Xrays · 27/05/2023 19:15

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 19:07

Oh come on. This is clearly an unhealthy relationship dynamic with the mother. Even when OP does try to assert the smallest boundaries ( I’m watching a film Mum), her mothers over-rides this and carries on speaking. If anyone is controlling it’s the Mother who is still expecting to take primary place in her daughter’s life at expense of OPs other relationships.

Exactly what @Magazinenotliving says.

I suspect OP has gone from one controlling relationship with no boundaries to another if she's not careful.

Completely agree with this.

PucketyPuckPuck · 27/05/2023 19:16

Speaking to your mum several times a day on the phone?

There's close, then there's unhealthy and suffocating.

He's the one that needs to run in this situation. Fast.

2bazookas · 27/05/2023 19:18

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

Are you completely deaf and blind ? It IS affecting HIM and your relationship with him.

Remember Diana? “There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded”. You know how that ended up. You're heading the same way.

Freddiefox · 27/05/2023 19:18

I wouldn’t be able to cope with this level of interference, and I would leave you.

Has he tried to have a conversation with you about it? how did that go?

I think it comes across as quite rude to not be able to get to the end of the film or have lunch without you answering your phone.

I also wonder why your mum isn’t able to give your relationship a little bit of space, and leave you alone for a good few hours. That level of dependency isn’t healthy for either of you

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:20

I would be able to be in a relationship with a sulky man. So he's have been kicked to the kerb a long time ago.

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:21

Wouldn't*

kingtamponthefurred · 27/05/2023 19:23

Why not leave your phone in another room while you are watching a film with your partner?

Lapland123 · 27/05/2023 19:23

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:20

I would be able to be in a relationship with a sulky man. So he's have been kicked to the kerb a long time ago.

But would you be happy in a relationship that saw your mother in law constantly on the phone, talking over you, your partner won’t even watch a film or eat a meal with you, without answering calls to MIL?

i don’t think anyone could bear to stay on such a relationship, where the primary important relationship seems to be with the mother, not the partner

HideousKinky · 27/05/2023 19:23

I have 3 daughters in their 20s & 30s whom I love and I'm close to, but I can't imagine ringing them every day, several times a day. It would be a massive intrusion into their lives.
Can you agree with your mother to cut down to 1 call a day?

T1Dmama · 27/05/2023 19:24

@Rosieposey91
You need to put boundaries in both relationships! Your mum is unreasonable to call so frequently and you are unreasonable to always pause a movie to talk to her!…. Put your phone on silent and tell your mum that you won’t be picking up the phone to her if you’re eating, watching a meal etc. You need to text her before a movie, say all is ok and you’ll speak to her tomorrow - phone going on silent as watching a movie - night mum xx

Your partner is horrible for mocking your relationship with your mum and for calling you a baby and then sulking and acting like a baby himself!!

you need to be former with both!

PurpleParrots · 27/05/2023 19:28

If your mum messages when you’re watching a film wouldn’t she be happy waiting for you to get back to her, when convenient?

I speak to my dd once a day. If I message I don’t expect to receive an immediate response. I know DD will get back to me when it’s convenient for her and vice versa.

Your mum is your mother. She shouldn’t be your best friend. If you value your relationship let your mum take a backseat. She won’t mind. She will want what’s best for you.

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:28

Lapland123 · 27/05/2023 19:23

But would you be happy in a relationship that saw your mother in law constantly on the phone, talking over you, your partner won’t even watch a film or eat a meal with you, without answering calls to MIL?

i don’t think anyone could bear to stay on such a relationship, where the primary important relationship seems to be with the mother, not the partner

Show quote history

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My adult children can ring or text me as many times a day as they like and me them, without having to set bloody boundaries because some mardy arsed bloke didn't like it.

Lapland123 · 27/05/2023 19:30

Paperlate · 27/05/2023 19:28

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My adult children can ring or text me as many times a day as they like and me them, without having to set bloody boundaries because some mardy arsed bloke didn't like it.

Show quote history

But I am asking about how you would feel if this was your MIL.
Not how you feel as the mother of adult children.
The whole point is to understand why this would upset a partner.

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