Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

Good God! 😵‍💫 And stop blaming it on the fact you live in the Eastend. It’s still weird.

Heavily on her abusive partner's side?

That is shit, even by AIBU standards.

He's abusive, loses his temper and throws toys. That will have an impact on his child.

But of course 2 women not liking the abusive man must be to blame.

OP herself said she doesn’t want advice on the other aspects of her relationship. I thought I was quite careful in not blaming her for her partners other behaviours and said as much too.

If my partner had an unhealthy relationship with their mum in this way, I would probably start to act unreasonably after a sustained period of time too, hence my question.

Quite frankly, it sounds like the OP needs to get out of the relationship with her DP. But following that, look at her relationship with her DM. Her mum might be her hero, but she hasn't brought her up to instil boundaries, know what a healthy relationship looks like, or develop adult independence.

Therapy might help.

If this was a bloke having mum call every two minutes,folk would call him a mummy’s boy. Is your relationship so lacking with your partner that you can only endure an evening with him with the constant diversion of your mother? If so time to bin him,if not then time for you to grow up ,to have a grown up relationship and show some consideration for your partner which is clearly lacking. It’s about compromise, not changing and you have shown zero . Do you really want to be tied to your mums apron strings in your 40s or 50s and alone, because that’s a very real possibility.

OP @Rosieposey91 you haven't answered this one. Is this the case?

because if so, consider how annoying you would find it if your MIL did this.

Your mum will be your mum all your life. Statistically speaking your husband on the other hand will probably not be your husband for life. 42% divorce rate in UK. However I do think she is a bit over the top.

Statistically, her mother will die part way through her life and given that the OP life revolves around her mother, her life will then be smashed to pieces.

I get it. I had a very rare serious illness as a child. I was in hospital for months and my mum stayed with me the entire time. I was in and out of hospital for my entire childhood. My mum was very overprotective. She still is. She definitely treats me differently to my siblings. I used to speak to her atleast daily or several times a day when I first got married which I must admit annoyed my dh. I cut back a bit. Started again after my boys were born. Then one day my ds2 said please don't ring granny again you'll be on the phone for ages. He was right. Now when I feel the urge to ring her I don't always. I might text her or talk to my dh or do something else. Although I must admit I did spend alot of time on the phone to my mum when I was shielding during covid. I missed her so much. I mentioned all this because you mention health condition. That can often cause people to be very reliant on mums and also can make mum's very overprotective. I know that's the case with me.

I'm exactly like this with my mum!

My previous partners had an issue with it, but my current one doesn't really. He says we need to spend more quality time together, which I totally understand.

You will regret losing contact with your mum because of your partner. Maybe just make a few tweaks, see your mum in the week if your partner is busy?

It seems like you have a lovely relationship with your mum. If you are happy, don't change for him. The fact he is demanding it is kind of a red flag for me.

Agree with wentworthinmate

I think you and your mum are clearly suffering from anxiety because of your past losses and the constant calls/ texts etc a way of controlling that.
There's nothing wrong with being close but I think think is unhealthy for you both.

I agree. He could laugh about it, but he's not. Calling in middle of film is annoying, but the general unhappiness with your closeness is a huge red flag to me.

Ignore those saying abnormal or weird. You are happy with the relationship, dp can get used to it or leave. She was there way before him. He sounds coersive.

This post has been removed however it was partners version of what the op is doing basically, but different sexes - so HUGE different responses

That’s doesn’t surprise me. Contradiction based on whether it’s a man or woman asking the question is standard for MN

Didnt realise it had been pulled was reading that yesterday.