Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

I actually think this depends on alot of things,

How long you have been in a relationship?
How old you are?
If this is your first relationship?

The answers on those would change my answer to you.

But having been in a similar situation with an ex, after nearly 6 years, of the same conversation, I did get sulky and couldnt be arsed to speak to him about the same bullshit, while I was getting ready to leave, then I left

She's not married to him.

Op does know it. She has just chosen her mom.

Her mom is her priority and she will give her whatever attention she wants over all else.

I find that a bit weird.
What can you possibly have left to talk about when you’ve spoken a few times a day already?! Interrupting during a film is just annoying. It sounds like she has the issue not your DH. You need to set some boundaries.

I talk to my mom a lot, 2 phone calls (way to work, way home) and texting throughout the day. I wouldn't answer if she called during a movie but my partner also doesn't care how much I talk to her. I never feel obligated to answer if I'm busy though. I think it might be useful to you to focus on connecting with your mom when it isn't inconveniencing anyone else, you can always text her that you're alright if she needs to check in. Equally I think your partners behavior is not good.

How does your mum know you're watching a movie? are you constantly updating her via text? What does she do when you're at work?

He is rude and uncompromising
Your mum lacks boundaries and respect
You are needy and not ready for an adult relationship

A little harsh perhaps, but probably not wrong ...

There's a big difference between being close to your DM and having an unhealthy and codependent relationship.

I know someone with this sort of relationship.
She's currently screwing up the relationship with her own child by trying to recreate the "closeness" she has with her own DM.

If I was watching a film with someone and they paused it to chat to their mum, I'd get annoyed too. He may feel like he isn't important, or you're spending time with him, your focus isn't on him as you're speaking to her so much

Contact with your mum sounds excessive TBH. I talk with/message my mum and dad regularly but equally I make time for other things in my life and it either of my parents called and I was busy, I wouldn't answer and would send a quick message saying I will call back when free.

Your partner's reaction is definitely immature though.

Have you had other relationships, if so how did your constant contact with your mum go down in those?

You need to decide if you want to continue the relationship. If so perhaps you will need to put some boundaries in place with your mum. Not being able to get through a film without speaking to her is a bit strange/OTT. Just put your phone one silent surely? But equally you don't sound like you like your partner very much from your post.

Single parents get to be very close to their DC but it can be a problem when they don't know when to back off a bit. It's lovely you're so close Op but it's going to be hard for your partner to always have your DM calling you for no real reason when you're out with him. Would you want a man whose DM called him 3 times a day?

He doesn't sound good if he's sulking about stuff. He really is not handling the situation properly.

There are a few red flags here, so you should look into that, really.

Having said that, if I paused a film and answered the phone to anyone. I'd expect my partner to be pissed off. You were in the middle of something, and now you've left them waiting around until you have finished. That's just rude

You’re happy with your relationship with your mum so that’s fine for you, but I think most people would struggle being with someone who constantly prioritised their mother over them. I’m close with my mum, speak most days etc but I’d not pause a film with my partner to answer her call necessarily (why can’t you just text and say you’re watching a film?) there are still boundaries.

He sounds not pleasant to be honest though, so I’d be reluctant to alter any relationship purely to please him. To be honest both of them sound exhausting for you.

How old are you? You sound very young.

I think both your partner and your mum are in wrong here.

Your partner is acting immature by sulking and not eating dinner.

Your mum is being overbearing by calling you while you are watching a movie with your parent even though she knows it will disturb you. It's also rude for her to cut him off when he speaks.

I would talk to your partner and tell him to stop sulking and giving you a silent treatment when he doesn't like something. He needs to communicate better.

I would also not pick up the phone when your mum calls you while you are in the middle of something like a movie. Text her and say you will call once you are done. Put your phone on silence.

However, this is only if you want to keep being in a relationship with your DP. If you don't want to make any changes in a relationship with your mum, don't. But I am not sure if any future partner would be happy with this. Maybe someone whose mum is exactly the same. In which case, good luck

He sounds like a big controlling baby - can't eat his ickle din dins because you spoke to your mum. Tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Read about enmeshed family relationships. That is what is happening here.

This isn't healthy. It is far too codependent without healthy boundaries.

A compromise of sorts is probably needed. I’d find it annoying if a partner was constantly on the phone to a parent. I know people are saying he can jog on but maybe he finds it a bit immature as you’re a grown woman not a teenager. Nothing wrong with being close to your mum of course but if it feels like there’s three of you in this relationship that must be a bit wearing.

Well no, not because she spoke to her mum.

Because she paused something they were both watching, during their time together. It's the same kind f rudeness as cancelling an invitation because you got a better offer. Basically, "someone more important turned up".

@Rosieposey91 did you have contact with your dad following the split? Has your mum had a relationship since?

Your partner sounds quite immature and unreasonable in the way he's dealing with this. That said, I would be annoyed if I was watching a film with someone and they unilaterally paused it to take a non urgent phonecall with someone they speak to multiple times a day. If your mum rings while you're watching a film/on a date, just decline the call and send a message saying unless it's an emergency, you'll call her back in however long.

Not asking this rudely but if you and your mum speak several times a day, every day - what else are you doing with your time? Even before I had kids, I wouldn't have had time to speak to my mother more than a couple of times a day. The lack of other commitments in one's life might be what is tipping this relationship from "close" to "overly intense".

It's hard from what you've written to tell if your mum is controlling or just a bit oblivious. For most people in a romantic partnership (before kids), that is the primary relationship in their lives. My kids are young, but I'd hope, someday, that my DH and I are replaced as the primary relationship in their lives. I think it's potentially unhealthy if your mum wont allow the same thing to happen to you. What would happen if you didn't answer calls or texts?

When you say she gets in touch when you are out. Would you talk or text her while at dinner with your partner.

Are you okay with ignoring texts and calls from her and returning them hours later at a better time? Is she okay with that too?

What are the times / reasons when you won't answer a call or check your phone or respond to a text from her?

It sounds suffocating to me. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was already on such a codependent relationship with someone else.
It's not for me, your BF or anyone to tell you what relationship you should have with your mum but I think you do have to understand that such an intense level of contact is likely to push partners away.

He might be a dick, but I don't want to make that assertion based on what is going on here. He might just be frustrated with the situation, which I think is fair. What I can say is that I would have ended the relationship with you long ago if I were him.

The people who say they wouldn't mind, well you don't know that you wouldn't mind until it's happening to you. I would imagine it would get very old very quickly.

Yes this. My DP was in therapy as he had a codependent relationship with his mum and as he got older realised he had no idea who he was without her. Like he was just an extension of her - and he thought it was a great thing they were friends, until he realised he'd been raised to be her friend. It wasn't like he was an independent adult who had loads in common with her and that's how they met and became friends. He was trained from age 5 (after his dad left) to be friend/emotional support/partner for his mum - that's why they were so close. It affected all his relationships before me and was threatening ours as well (which prompted the decision for therapy). It was inter generational as his mum had the same relationship with her mum and my DP was terrified he'd do it to his child.

I often thought how it would sound if parents said out loud - I'm lonely, don't have any friends, don't have a good relationship so I'm going to birth and create this human being who will do all that for me. Almost like a robot you programme to think what you want. There's being close to your family and then being the only companion they have, starting from when you were too young to understand the very adult emotions and expectations they placed on you. I personally find it very creepy but it's normalised from generations of women who stay in poor or unfulfilling relationships, or lost their male partner and weren't emotionally mature/confident enough to seek other adults out. Because it's as limiting for the mother as the child to never interact closely with a peer.

I wouldn’t be happy if I was your partner either. Especially not being able to finish a film without being interrupted, what are you even talking about if you talk multiple times a day?

That said, how he’s dealing with it isn’t acceptable. However, if you break up with him I’d bet on this level of intensity with your mum will cause issues with future relationships also. You’re going to have to cut back and put some boundaries in place eventually