Open to honest answers … my partner dislikes my relationship with my mother

[Rosieposey91]

Bit of background information… my parents separated when I was 3 years old. Super close bond with my mum. Best friends as well as mother and daughter.

my partner is a jealous type. Since the beginning of our relationship, hasn’t understood our closeness and would get aggravated if I text her when we was out together or if she checked I am ok etc if it was getting late.

we often speak several times a day. He is off work at the moment and he gets so angry when she calls or I call her. He calls me a baby and says I’m weird. I am not changing for him, I’ve always been like this with my mum and she has with her mum and I know a lot of families from my area who are the same (eastenders). He isn’t from the same area and he isn’t close with his family.

he said it’s affecting our relationship. That he wants me to cut back the time I speak to her. That we never even finish a film without her calling me. Why can’t she just wait until the end etc. I do get this point as sometimes I will say I am watching something and she still calls me before I’ve let her know it’s finished. Although she will say it’s only a quick question or that it’s late and she is going to bed. Then I feel stuck in the middle because I understand it’s frustrating for my partner when she can’t just wait until I’ve let her know the film is finished.

i do have some health conditions so she worries about me but she has also been able to just call when she wants regardless if I am watching a film etc I’ve never had a problem pausing it to talk to her. Am I in the wrong? He will sit there sulking and then not speak to me the rest of the evening and go upstairs and sulk without eating any dinner etc.

just wondered if people
could give some advise and whether I am right to not change my relationship with my mum? He also says she speaks over him but sometimes he talks for ages and admits he goes on and when she was over she wanted to ask something so she did. He then says it’s rude and no manners. I’m finding it all really stressful and because I’m used to my mum I don’t want to assume it’s him being funny when maybe I do need to put boundaries in place?

i am happy with my relationship with my mum. So it’s only my partner who is annoyed with it despite it not being his relationship and wants me to change even though it’s not affecting me.

thank you xx

And if you hadn't texted and she checks? What will she do? If you had gone into cardiac arrest, you'd be long gone before she knew it.

Don't forget about the "recent cardiac something diagnosis", which is causing them to be more attached to each other, though they must have been psychic since they were over-attached for many years before the "diagnosis". Possible cardiac arrest at any time but no pacemaker or internal defibrillator needed.

Super intelligent 3-year-old to be able to verbalize their dislike/problems with "Daddy". But, she said "they" when referring to children, so perhaps the baby's first words were, "Daddy is a meanie beanie and so inpatient and loud!"

DP's parents baby him, which he doesn't like, so he isn't in contact with them frequently. She, though, is very independent, except for the fact that she has to have a connection with her Mummy dozens of times a day and Mummy comes running whenever OP or Mummy decides she needs to be there.

I am starting to feel like I am in Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first" routine for families. 😬🤔😒😖🙄

Just because you WANT us all to believe that 2+2=3, doesn't mean that people are going to buy it.
That dog won't hunt.

This. He knows you don't value your relationship with him because you drop everything to speak to your mum when you are doing something with him. That's just rude and you've already said your mum does it on purpose knowing it annoys him. She is proving to herself and him that she can come between the two of you.

@Rosieposey91 quick question. How would you feel if your daughter grew up and did not want that level of contact with you on a daily basis?

@Rosieposey91 And what would you do if that was the case?

@Rosieposey91 it just seems to me that you don’t expect the same of your own son/sons in general. Does that not put a lot of pressure on your daughter going forward?

It sounds like a cycle - your Mum is alone and focuses on you, you want to be alone and focus on her. I wonder what you’ll be like with your own children? How will you react if they don’t want this ‘close’ relationship? What happens if you come between them and their partner?

Im very close to both my children. My eldest recently went for a sleepover, she’s 8 and I felt so proud that she didn’t need to phone me at all. She came home and told me all about it, even though I’d been thinking about her and wondering how Dre was I didn’t say anything. To me it’s lovely you’re close to your mum but you seem
reliant on each other, in a way that isn’t healthy.

I wouldn’t be dictated to, but I think you need to have a word with your mum and tell her this constant contact is affecting your relationship with your partner. Agree to only emergency calls ad hoc, but have a time once a day for a proper conversation.
Suggest you talk to your partner and make it clear, your relationship with your mother is your business. You will limit the constant calls but if he can’t hack your closeness, he can do the other thing. Your mother is always your mother, partners come and go.

I can kind of see it from both sides but I think the fact your partner is jealous of your mum is a problem. Does he react the same way when you speak/go out with friends? Does your mum like him or does she think he’s not right for you? I think him being jealous and having a short temper is an issue, throwing his toys out the pram (quite literally) is worrying. He needs to stop acting like a child, is he younger than you? You keep saying your kids, are they both of your kids or just yours? Has he ever had a temper towards them or acted like this in front of them? I was really close to my mum, she died unexpectedly when I was 31, we spoke a lot but when I met my now husband my mum wouldn’t contact me as much when she knew we were together. Maybe you’ll find your mum does the same when you find mr right. I wouldn’t reduce contact with your mum, your mum won’t always be around but if this is the first partner that’s had an issue with your bond then I’d say he’s the problem and not your mum. Good luck OP, looking after 2 kids and a partner that acts like one must be exhausting. X

This is a fascinating question which I'd love to know answer to know

It's really unhealthy to see a parent as your best friend. We have parents and we have friends for a good, healthy psychological reason. I was close to my Mum but I wouldn't have rung or texted her to say good night even when I had a mobile phone. What did EastEnders do before mobile phones? Use the landline to ring up to say I'm going to bed now? Pop to the corner to use the phone? They only made contact if there was a problem even if they saw each other every day.

Once you leave home, contact usually does drop off to once a week, or a couple of times a week. If it's your weekly chat with your Mum, I can understand pausing a film but I'd definitely be just ignoring even a text message if you're watching it with your partner. He deserves your attention.

He doesn't sound abusive - just frustrated.

Your mum has purposely made you dependant on her. She is controlling but you can't see it. I see it with my sil and mil. They call each other at least 3 times a day and constantly text each other. She has been infanticiled by her mum. She struggled to move out of her parent's home and only did so after she had been married 4 years and her daughter was 2. They live near by and meet up a few times a week and stay over once a week. Both sil and mil have the type of husbands who go along with this situation without complaining and don't seem to mind they they are a lower priority. Personally I think it's a bad thing for sil. When mil was ill in hospital for a few weeks during covid and couldn't have visitors, sil coped very badly and nearly had a complete mental breakdown. I can't even imagine what she will be like when her mum dies.

I honestly think only eastenders will get it.

My family are from the east end and we don't do things the way you do. I don't really know anyone who does, from the east end or anywhere else. If you're happy with the way things are with your mum, that's fine - but it isn't 'normal' and a lot of people wouldn't want to date someone who felt that it was, so you need to understand that it will be a problem in a lot of (most?) relationships.

Most people would find it a bit suffocating and weird to have to interrupt a film before the end so their partner could say goodnight to their mother, and if my partner texted his mum every night to tell her he was in bed, I would find that a huge turn-off. You are entitled to have whatever contact you like with your mum, but your partner is entitled to find it weird/obsessive/suffocating/off-putting, and I suspect it will cause you to split up.

I'm extremely close with my mum, but would find it really weird if we were calling each other multiple times a day. We have family Whatsapp groups and text on that most days, but calling would be weird tbh. What do you talk about?!

Your relationship with your mum sounds very special and very worth maintaining. It's OK that you are very close and speak regularly, your partner should respect the relationship and be happy for you.

Having said that, some boundaries may be helpful. For example if you're watching a film with your partner, let your mum know you can't talk right now and put your phone in a different room. That might help you find a balance between contact with your mum and also uninterrupted time with your partner - both are important.

However, your partner's behaviour is immature and toxic. He should be able to speak calmly with you and explain his concerns from a place of respect. Going off in a sulk, calling you names or slagging off your mum is not OK. If that kind of behaviour continues I would want to end the relationship, ain't nobody got time for that.

I’m really sorry your partner isn’t supportive and by your description is abusive, I really am. I have been in an abusive relationship for many years and it ruined me. I do however find it odd that you can clearly identify his abuse, yet not realise how codependent your relationship is with your mother? I say this knowing how hard it is and how long it takes to realise you’re even in an abusive relationship, something isn’t quite clicking.

Are you not curious that things with your partner may improve greatly if you reasonably reduce the contact with your mother? Again, not blaming you for any abusive behaviours your partner may/may not be displaying. But you have always been this way and sorry to say, you’re mum will not always be around. In some posts you say you’re not going to change and then in others you will compromise, none of it’s making sense really!

Totally false but the same as loads of others. Have you challenged them too or just me

and there’s no requirement for every post to be helpful (thank god). Sometimes an expression of opinion is fine

@Rosieposey91Would you break up with your boyfriend if your mum asked you to?

When mil was ill in hospital for a few weeks during covid and couldn't have visitors, sil coped very badly and nearly had a complete mental breakdown.

That resonated with me @PeachyPeachTrees. I had DD later in life and was desperate that she had to learn to be independent because I won't be around for ever. I would have for her to be as dependent on me as the OP is on her mother.

You sound co-dependent and almost unhealthily attached to your Mum. You should be able to watch a film without her worrying about you.

But your partner being jealous is also odd. Neither situation is a good one. Be wary of men who want to cut you off from family and who get jealous. But similarly, speaking to your DM multiple times a day is definitely outside the realms of usual behaviour in an adult.

I've been in an abusive relationship too and it's incredibly dangerous to tell someone trapped in one that changing their behaviour could improve their relationship.

You can't stop someone abusing you by changing your own behaviour.

Even if OP completely cut contact with her Mum, her partner would just find another "excuse" to abuse her.

The 3 year old probably got it from their dad smashing up their toy, losing their temper all the time and being abusive to their mother.

Op didn't say two out of three of those things

If it's true, it's far more likely that the 3 year old has been exposed to a couple of women having a good moan about him.

I’m heavily on your partners side. If I lived with a man who’s mother phoned constantly it would drive me nuts. Both of you need to grow up. You sound very immature and your mother incapable of leading a life without running everything past you. Does she have any other friends, does she have a job or drive. My bet on the answers to those are ‘no’.