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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
geekone · 27/05/2023 12:17

Divorce husband and use holiday club.

Tirediam · 27/05/2023 12:18

Agree with @geekone , selfish man

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 27/05/2023 12:18

geekone · 27/05/2023 12:17

Divorce husband and use holiday club.

This!

missingthewinchesterboys · 27/05/2023 12:20

Yeah I'd tell him that if he doesn't adjust his attitude, man up and take his turn looking after the kids, he'll have no choice but to use his holiday for childcare when you divorce and give him 50/50 custody

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 27/05/2023 12:21

Don't work the second job.

Make suitable cutbacks and explain to dh why.
No way would I sacrifice time with my dc and slog fitting everything in when his attitude is like that.

Comedycook · 27/05/2023 12:21

So not happy to share childcare but happy to share financial responsibility. These men who expect their wives to do absolutely everything related to the home and children should also be prepared to fully support them financially...but they don't. Pisstake.

gamerchick · 27/05/2023 12:21

He's selfish. You an either accept it and get childcare or tell him fine. We'll see what splitting up looks like and you'll sort out childcare from his CM

FloofCloud · 27/05/2023 12:21

He's an idiot, you're both parents ffs

gamerchick · 27/05/2023 12:23

I'd also no be sharing that second wage with the household either, since he won't parent while you do it.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 27/05/2023 12:24

He seems to have mistaken you for a domestic appliance instead of an equal human being.

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 12:25

I agree with the other posters. What does he intend to actually use his holiday for? Selfish horrible man. He seems to think your second job is a hobby or something! Holiday club is fine (my kids have always gone because we both work FT) but it's nice to take odd bits of annual leave so they don't spend all their non-school time there. Sounds like you understand that and are using some of your holiday leave in this way, but he won't. Let me guess he wants to use his SO for his hobbies and child free relaxing time???

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 12:26

AL not SO, sorry!

JenniferBarkley · 27/05/2023 12:27

I agree darling, it should all be fair. I've covered 100pc of the holidays for 4 years, you do the next 4 and then we can come to an arrangement to split them.

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 12:28

Is DS his?

I think he’s making himself redundant as a useful life partner. You can just get rid of him and claim Child Maintenance. Sounds like life would be much sweeter.

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 12:29

Just had another thought, will holiday club fees come from joint income? Or is he assuming you'll be paying this from your second job income only? If so I agree with the poster who says don't put the second job income into the family pot!

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 12:29

Did you discuss the second job with him and what the full implications of it? If not, and you just took it, and you are now expecting him to do something different to normal without any warning or input, then I can see his point.

If you both talked about you working a second job and how he would need to cover school holidays, and he agreed but had now changed his mind, then he is BU.

NerrSnerr · 27/05/2023 12:30

He is your husband, he's supposed to love you and think of you as an equal, if he doesn't then maybe you should consider your marriage.

What does he do with his annual leave if he doesn't use it for childcare?

Might be worth reminding him that he'll have to take quite a lot of time off in the holidays if you split up!

TheSnowyOwl · 27/05/2023 12:31

Might be worth reminding him that he'll have to take quite a lot of time off in the holidays if you split up!

And this could likely backfire when he divorces her and refuses contact during the weekdays.

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 12:39

Yes these sort of men are the types that won't want 50/50 and "can't" do any school holiday care. EOW will be the best you can hope for if you split. At least you can claim maintenance.

Simonjt · 27/05/2023 12:41

Why did he decide to have children if he didn’t want to raise them?

Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:43

Yes we discussed it as he said I needed to work more hours. I work 2 long shifts which are 23.5 hours at one job and 20 at the second job which normally fits in around school times except obviously when it’s school holidays.
I work weekends and around school times as my mum used to help with child care but she passed away last year so I now have no back up.

OP posts:
Time4achangeagain · 27/05/2023 12:46

how did the conversation go about you getting a second job? I don’t agree that he’s necessarily being a dick. Maybe he is but there isn’t enough information to say. Neither of you gets to dictate how I come is used or childcare is divided. It’s a conversation

Time4achangeagain · 27/05/2023 12:47

Just seen your update. If he wants ts you to have a second job he needs to facilitate it.

Gizlotsmum · 27/05/2023 12:47

So he wanted you to work more, what was his solution to covering the kids care?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/05/2023 12:48

Sorry OP he’s a selfish twat who thinks looking after how own children is a woman thing & he’s far too busy & important for that.

has he always been barnstormingly selfish?

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