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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 27/05/2023 13:51

Sorry, posted too soon! What's he doing with his extra money? If it's not going into shared savings, that's another red flag.

Thesharkradar · 27/05/2023 13:52

Nevermind31 · 27/05/2023 13:50

I worked less to enable you to get ahead in your career - was that fair on me? No. Now it is your turn to pull your weight equally, it’s not fair that everything is down to me

That's true but he doesn't want her to get ahead in her career because that will give her the upper hand and he might lose some of the benefits that he gets out of the relationship.
Ultimately she might earn enough to be independent and free of him and he doesn't want that because his life will get much harder.

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 13:52

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:06

I pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills and arrange and pay for all of the child care costs for our son.
He earns more than me but I still pay half of everything.
Of course we discussed me getting another job, I got one to fit in around school times as my first job is 12.5 hour shifts so would impact more on child care. He said I needed to work more which I now am and really enjoy it but doesn’t think he should need to help with sharing child care if our son is on school holidays or sick, he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue.

This is financial abuse.

PrincessofWellies · 27/05/2023 13:53

If he's not part of the team - get rid of him.

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/05/2023 13:54

Honestly what an awful bloke he is. I understand one person taking the lead in childcare if the other is taking a lead on employed work provided they are both happy with their roles and sharing the family finances.

The situation you have is grossly unfair on you. You are sorting and paying for all the childcare AND paying half of all
bills? Sorry but no! If you’re paying half the bills then childcare costs and responsibility should be shared equally too.

Honestly I’d tell him he needs to share the load or you want to separate. His attitude is disgusting

Summerfun54321 · 27/05/2023 13:54

Most full time working parents have to use holiday clubs and after school clubs. Me and DH rarely use precious family holiday time for one of us to look after the kids. The odd day here or there to look after the kids is one thing but demanding the other person takes holiday leave rather than using holiday clubs is a stretch.

It sounds like you want to both work full time but are expecting the children to have no less time with their parents. It doesn't work like that unfortunately, that's the reality of full time work.

Bathintheshed · 27/05/2023 13:56

He can't have it both ways, if he wants to be the provider he needs to do that. If he is incapable of doing that and needs you to help, then he needs to provide child care too to help you do that.

TeacherHarri · 27/05/2023 13:57
  1. He should pay half of the childcare, whether you’re happy with the status quo or not.
  2. He takes responsibility for looking after the children half of the time

This man is taking advantage of you. His attitude is unacceptable.

Goldbar · 27/05/2023 13:58

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:44

The thing is I’m happy to pay for the child care, I’ve not asked him to contribute towards costs, that is not my issue.
I was working 2 x 11.5 hour shifts and my new job is 20 hours but they are flexible (although I don’t want to take the piss).
It’s not the money, it’s that I love my new job, I was at home during the day so it makes sense to bring in some extra money.
I do sort out all of the child care, my eldest daughter (18) helps a lot if she’s able and not working, but it’s not down to her, she isn’t a parent.
I don’t care about paying for child care, it’s great for my mental health to be out of the house when my son is at school anyway and he loves after school club as he gets extra play time with his friends.
I just don’t know how to make him see and enforce the issue that he is also responsible for taking time to look after our son whilst I go to work, I’m not asking to go out partying, I want to work.
my job is so flexible and reasonable around child care, but equally I can’t expect them to let me only work term times.

You sound like a very nice and very reasonable person who will bend over backwards to keep the peace and make things work. You sound like someone I'd like to have as a friend or a colleague.

Unfortunately there are people in the world who, rather than meeting you halfway, will exploit nice and reasonable people like you for all they can get. Your husband sounds like one of them. You're bewildered because you're still assuming that everyone (including him) starts from a position where they broadly believe that things should be fair and equitable.

Some people don't think this. They think that they are special and exceptional and the normal shit that everyday people have to do (care for children, do chores, contribute to family life, manage on a limited budget, show care and consideration for others) doesn't apply to them. And it doesn't apply because they are so wonderful that those around them (especially their partners) should hang on their every word and bend over backwards to smooth their path through life. For some reason, they are 'deserving' of this treatment while others exist to serve them.

It makes sense for people like this to seek out nice, caring, reasonable people who have trouble enforcing boundaries because they can exploit them for a long, long time, sometimes indefinitely, before the scales fall from their eyes. And the nice, reasonable, caring person is left saying, 'Is it me? Have I just not communicated clearly enough? How can I get them to see my point of view?'.

He can see your point of view, he just doesn't like it.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 27/05/2023 13:58

Summerfun54321 · 27/05/2023 13:54

Most full time working parents have to use holiday clubs and after school clubs. Me and DH rarely use precious family holiday time for one of us to look after the kids. The odd day here or there to look after the kids is one thing but demanding the other person takes holiday leave rather than using holiday clubs is a stretch.

It sounds like you want to both work full time but are expecting the children to have no less time with their parents. It doesn't work like that unfortunately, that's the reality of full time work.

Tbf I think the issue is that the OP, who earns less than her DH, was pushed by him to get a second job, is expected to pay half of the mortgage and bills, and pay all the childcare, would then be expected to find, organise and pay for the extra childcare.

You aren't wrong that holiday clubs are the answer though and far better than the OP giving up her second job giving the position shes in.

Daisydu · 27/05/2023 13:59

What a twat. Sorry no advice so not helpful but yeah he’s a moron. And completely unreasonable

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/05/2023 14:00

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if this is domestic abuse because your husband seems to think that he is superior to you. Really sorry. At best, your husband is behaving like a total dick and should give you a grovelling apology.

HappyValleyFan1 · 27/05/2023 14:01

He sounds an absolute d*ck

Bathintheshed · 27/05/2023 14:01

Sorry forgot to add he sounds like a massive cunt and a shit parent. I would divorce him, you deserve better.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 14:05

For God's sake, don't tell him that you are happy to pay for childcare. Why should he not pay as well? He sounds incredibly selfish.

babyproblems · 27/05/2023 14:05

Reading all your posts I absolutely think he’s not your partner and can’t be arsed. I would really think about leaving… he’s not actually supporting you at all, and you would be better off as a single parent because you would have guaranteed support with CM and time when your son was 100% his responsibility. It’s sad that he’s caused that to be the reality with his shit out dated attitude and lack of effort. All money is one pot. All responsibilities are one pot. If he won’t do his share it tells you how he feels about you and your son. You both deserve someone who can be bothered to support you. Good luck xxx

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 14:06

How much more does he earn? the paying of costs should be proportionate to earnings, is he wheedling his extra £ away for himself? It's financial abuse, do not
tolerate it, either he gets on board or leave him.

Joeylove88 · 27/05/2023 14:07

Your husband is being incredibly selfish it's that simple. I do 90% of childcare now because I'm on Maternity leave but I'll be going into my second year of Uni in mid Sept full time and iv told my partner things will need to change and he will be stepping up more. My LG will be in the on campus nursery 1 & 1/2 days a week but he will need to do more so I can also study at home. Your husband does not place any value on your role quite clearly so I would be making it very clear to him what your boundaries are otherwise as others have said I would be getting a divorce.

kikisparks · 27/05/2023 14:10

What are you getting out of this relationship? He’s getting someone to pay half the household bills whilst he keeps most of his salary (for fun things/savings for himself?), he’s getting someone who is both organising and paying for all of the childcare his son needs, and I’m guessing you probably do most of the housework and childcare when you’re at home too? You are being used horribly. I’d be asking for all family money to be pooled, and any childcare costs could then come from that shared pool. I’d be asking for an equal split in childcare and household tasks. I’d be asking for some respect too!

LorW · 27/05/2023 14:14

kikisparks · 27/05/2023 14:10

What are you getting out of this relationship? He’s getting someone to pay half the household bills whilst he keeps most of his salary (for fun things/savings for himself?), he’s getting someone who is both organising and paying for all of the childcare his son needs, and I’m guessing you probably do most of the housework and childcare when you’re at home too? You are being used horribly. I’d be asking for all family money to be pooled, and any childcare costs could then come from that shared pool. I’d be asking for an equal split in childcare and household tasks. I’d be asking for some respect too!

This. Except just LTB as he doesn’t respect or even like you from what you’ve said and you shouldn’t have to beg for the basics. Ugh. I’m sorry OP.

2catsandhappy · 27/05/2023 14:14

Text him to ask what hours of the day and which days of the week he stops being a parent.
You are being absolutely used and abused.
Awful husband and a pathetic father.

Sadly I had this too. I divorced him and he stepped up as a father.

planningnightmare · 27/05/2023 14:17

sounds like financial abuse - you should care about the financial set up

openstop · 27/05/2023 14:18

What a looser. What does he think his Annual Leave is for?! Ditch him and force him into 50/50

Heronwatcher · 27/05/2023 14:18

He’s a selfish twat. The minute he brought a child into the world he accepted joint care of it.

I think you’ve been approaching this wrong TBH. Everything should be shared properly. Childcare fees, pickups, drop offs, mental load. Unfortunately he now sees child-min as entirely your problem, both practically and financially.

If you want him to change you need a short sharp shock. Move out. Tell him that if he chooses to opt out of his responsibilities then he’s not the one for you. That either you work fairly as a partnership or you will find someone better (you might also drop in that you’ll be expecting 50% shared childcare and what days of the week does he want your son?).

openstop · 27/05/2023 14:19

planningnightmare · 27/05/2023 14:17

sounds like financial abuse - you should care about the financial set up

And yes to this