Husband won’t share child care

[Annaliese2015]

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

this is what my dsis ex said-she should get a job to cover bill due to col so she did

then didnt ant to help with the childcare-they cant have it both ways

Divorce.

Are they not his children as well as yours? 🙄

Doesn't sound much of a team to me. I guess there's the option of him paying for childcare. Tbf I'd be a little narked if the 'rules' were changed. It's possible he would not have agreed to a family if he knew you expected him to take equal responsibility for childcare. Maybe you would not have chosen to live in the home you do if you were expected to be equally responsible for the mortgage.
But part of marriage is being able to weather these changes together. If it's too far from what you feel is fair then you may need to consider divorce.

This.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E
what is he like at weekends etc. does he do his fair share bedtimes meal times etc. how was your holidays as a family in prevouse years ? what is like at family time ? what was the discussions when you were deciding to start a family ? I would think all about these and then have a hard conversation with him. families work as a team and this not happening at mo

One minute he’s telling me I need to work full time, so I got a second job and now I’m being selfish expecting him to take days of his holiday to help me.
the second job fits in well (term time) but child care is harder during holidays.
I love my new job and I don’t want to give it up as the team are lovely and it gets me out of the house.
I am paying all of the after school club fees so I don’t see how I can win in this situation?
I don’t want to come across that our son is a burden because obviously he’s not at all but I really don’t know why all of the child care falls on me to arrange? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Having read your update, this is divorce territory op.
He doesn't like you, let alone love you, he sees you as there to facilitate his life.

From your op, it could have been a communication problem which could possibly have been fixed if you liked each other to communicate.

From your second message - he wanted you to work but didn't even think that would affect how much childcare he did?!? How??? How could he think that? He's either thick as mince, sexist, selfish, a misogynist or quite probably all 4. His thought process is not remotely acceptable.

Is there any reason why your finances aren’t out of a joint pot? If some reason they can’t be, I’d divide up the childcare needed and be either takes leave or pays someone to look after the children during his half. You do the same for your half. That way if either of you want leave for yourself, you can have it but not to the other’s detriment because you are the on funding your decision.

So you are paying for all childcare? And having to work around school hours. And being expected to do all the holiday leave.

So both the financial and the physical (in terms of being physically there) burden is falling to you whilst he just sails off to work every day without a care.

What exactly does he bring to your life and your child's life. Because if he's not contributing fairly in either time or money he seems completely pointless in your life.

Divorce the selfish twat

My husband used to work 20hrs min wage when worked full time plus overtime. I did all the childcare / childcare arrangements and household chores.

We've been divorced for 10 years.

I don't even know where to start. What a selfish, game playing arse he is.

He wants the benefits of having a wife (to do the wife work and make his life easier) but he doesn't want the inconvenience of having to treat you like an equal partner.
He wants the benefits of being a parent (he gains a public image of being more stable reliable competent etc) but he doesn't want the inconvenience of having to spend time with his child or look after his child.
I think I would try to have some serious conversations with him, mostly to draw him out and find out what his underlying attitudes really are. At the end of that if it's clear he's not prepared to be an equal partner I would start making a very good plan, he wouldn't know anything about it until it was done and dusted and he'd been stitched up like the kipper he deserves to be treated as 🐟

I pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills and arrange and pay for all of the child care costs for our son.
He earns more than me but I still pay half of everything.
Of course we discussed me getting another job, I got one to fit in around school times as my first job is 12.5 hour shifts so would impact more on child care. He said I needed to work more which I now am and really enjoy it but doesn’t think he should need to help with sharing child care if our son is on school holidays or sick, he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue.

So he wants you to work but doesn’t contribute to the after school care cost? I hope every penny you earn goes into a bank account with just your name on it to turn into your fuck off fund! You either share finances or you don’t - you can’t share finances only after you’ve told them the costs are all theirs.

for now, ask about holiday clubs. Suggest he take one day to actually spend some time with his child and make sure the holiday club costs are split between you. Then you can think.

No, it’s not him ‘helping’ you. It’s him also parenting and looking after his own children, as he should.

My DP paid all of our FT and then PT nursery fees for our DC, as he is the higher earner and I am the parent who reduced my earning potential to bear ‘our’ DC.

I’m still working PT and DP still takes time away from running his businesses to spend time with our youngest two DC during the school holidays.

Your Husband is selfish.

He's not a partner or a father he's a lodger. Partners share the burdens and fathers actually parent and pay their fair share of childcare bills.

If he acts like a lodger, treat him like a lodger and get rid of him.

I take it all back- you pay half of everything no matter how much you work and are also responsible for childcare? And he tells you you have to work more? WHY, When you already pay half of everything? Is it forecast to be raining soon? Stab him with a rusty fork and throw all his stuff out into the rain. He’s not fucking worth anything more than that. Just make a plan and get rid of him.

He’s had to much pie hasn’t he and doesn’t want to give the pie back. Selfish fucker. My DH does 50% of everything and yes he does earn more. I don’t get that argument though, if I get a pay rise at work, would I do less childcare at home? Or maybe skip out on the washing up? It’s not related at all.

Drop the second job, tell him why then make sure he sticks to the new budget.

Unbelievable, in 2023 a man still thinks its your job to look after his children. I'd leave, make him take them 50/50.

he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue
He doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize his job, his earning potential or upset any of his bosses that's understandable BUT he's not allowing you the same privilege, this means that his earning capacity is protected whilst yours is continually sabotaged. It's about control he wants to keep your wings clipped so you never have the confidence or money to be independent of him.
If this was me I would just be keeping him sweet from now on whilst privately arranging things for my benefit. He's not treating you like an equal partner or being fair to you so you don't need to treat him fairly either.

Your dh views his child as an inconvenience he doesn't want to have to parent.

It's not helping you. He's parenting his child.

Why are you paying half of all bills and all childcare costs?!

Your dh sounds like a complete prick tbh. Why are you tolerating this?

Oh OP he's a gold plated misogynistic grade A cunt.

Tell him you want a divorce and he can either share childcare 50/50 or he can give you half the marital assets and pay a decent CM.

As it stands you're being taken for a fool.

what did you agree regarding childcare before you had kids? Before you took the 2nd job? You’re currently in charge of childcare because that’s how you’ve set it up. Fair enough that needed to change if you took a second job, the 2 discussion a about him telling you that you chose to take a second job and that he told you to get a second job are t compatible? How do you sort your finances out? He doesn’t sound great and obviously leaving him is the way to go if you’re not happy. However it’s very amusing that some people think it will improve your finances or childcare. Do they really think this type of man suddenly steps up when they replace you with their own life and new relationships! They generally get more selfish because they’re concentrating on their new life