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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 13:17

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:06

I pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills and arrange and pay for all of the child care costs for our son.
He earns more than me but I still pay half of everything.
Of course we discussed me getting another job, I got one to fit in around school times as my first job is 12.5 hour shifts so would impact more on child care. He said I needed to work more which I now am and really enjoy it but doesn’t think he should need to help with sharing child care if our son is on school holidays or sick, he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue.

Oh ffs op!!

Just why???

Why have you tolerated having the complete piss taken out of you?

Why?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 13:20

cushioncovers · 27/05/2023 13:10

Drop the second job, tell him why then make sure he sticks to the new budget.

Read the thread before making stupid comments. The op has been trodden on so much she has completely lost sight of normal. Comments like this make her question if she's worthy of being treated with respect. You are op. Assume people like this are also misogynists or haven't read the thread. Don't give up your second job. Keep it. Keep every penny of it stashed away in your own fund to get as far away from this horrible man as you can.

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2023 13:24

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 27/05/2023 12:18

This!

Show quote history

Absolutely

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2023 13:25

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:06

I pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills and arrange and pay for all of the child care costs for our son.
He earns more than me but I still pay half of everything.
Of course we discussed me getting another job, I got one to fit in around school times as my first job is 12.5 hour shifts so would impact more on child care. He said I needed to work more which I now am and really enjoy it but doesn’t think he should need to help with sharing child care if our son is on school holidays or sick, he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue.

Divorce him

He's taking the piss and won't change

Nowthenhere · 27/05/2023 13:28

Sorry to hear of the death of your mum. So awful and it's only been a year.

I would ask your husband why he doesn't look forward to spending time with his child. And that surely the aim of earning money is to enjoy it with his family.

One day it will be his child finding reasons to avoid spending time with the man who he doesn't really know because he's not spent quality time with him.

planningnightmare · 27/05/2023 13:28

he is exploiting your free domestic labour,
whilst you work the same as he does.

you pay half, WHY WHY WHY would you accept everything child related is your duty?

towriteyoumustlive · 27/05/2023 13:29

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:06

I pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills and arrange and pay for all of the child care costs for our son.
He earns more than me but I still pay half of everything.
Of course we discussed me getting another job, I got one to fit in around school times as my first job is 12.5 hour shifts so would impact more on child care. He said I needed to work more which I now am and really enjoy it but doesn’t think he should need to help with sharing child care if our son is on school holidays or sick, he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue.

This is not a relationship!

You need to communication with your husband and tell him this is not working.

You should be paying for costs (mortgage, bills, childcare, food) based on your earnings so that you end up with roughly the same amount left over each. e.g. if he takes home £2500 a month and you £1500, then add up your monthly costs (e.g. £3000), take it away from the joint £4000, then what is left should be equally split. So £4000 - £3000 = £1000 then you both get £500 a month left over each. You might want to also put some of this leftover money into savings to pay for family holidays, days out etc...

YABU expecting him to take holiday to look after your child, but you shouldn't also have to take holiday either. Use holiday clubs and add it to the costing above. He should be taking holiday because he WANTS to spend time with his son!

I certainly would not tolerate a husband like yours! It is controlling and not a healthy relationship you have.

mycatsanutter · 27/05/2023 13:30

My ex was like this , didn't take one single day off work in the school holidays , I either took time off or arranged childcare . I realised being single was much preferable - it takes away any expectation or hope of any help .

honeylulu · 27/05/2023 13:35

Omg just read your update that you pay half of everything plus ALL childcare costs. So you earn a lot less but pay for more. I bet all the parenting cooking and housework is left to you too?

I'm usually wary of jumping to say LTB as I think it can cripple the woman and children financially but here you may well be BETTER off. You know can cover the cost of half the household plus childcare and you'd also get CM and too up benefits if applicable. Then in divorce you'd get at least 50% assets if not more like 60-70%.

Dedodee · 27/05/2023 13:36

Deduct the childcare from you bill contribution. Your dc is his dc too.
Your dh is a financially abusive, selfish man.

Housenoob · 27/05/2023 13:37

I do not understand men like this. Does he not think he should have any responsibility for his own child?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 13:38

What is your AH doing with his extra money op? He must have lots more than you by now. Hopefully it isn't spent so that it will be split in divorce,

Hayliebells · 27/05/2023 13:44

He's awful, I mean there's so much that's unfair (to his benefit) in your set up. You he earns more but you split bills equally. You pay for all the childcare, despite the fact that childcare enables you BOTH to work. He tells you you need to work more, yet won't organise or pay for ANY childcare. He's a selfish, horrid, man, he's no partner. If you divorce and shared custody, you'd only need to organise and pay for childcare for half the school holidays, and half the after school clubs. He would need to organise and pay for the other half. I honestly can't see how staying with him is in your interest.

Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:44

The thing is I’m happy to pay for the child care, I’ve not asked him to contribute towards costs, that is not my issue.
I was working 2 x 11.5 hour shifts and my new job is 20 hours but they are flexible (although I don’t want to take the piss).
It’s not the money, it’s that I love my new job, I was at home during the day so it makes sense to bring in some extra money.
I do sort out all of the child care, my eldest daughter (18) helps a lot if she’s able and not working, but it’s not down to her, she isn’t a parent.
I don’t care about paying for child care, it’s great for my mental health to be out of the house when my son is at school anyway and he loves after school club as he gets extra play time with his friends.
I just don’t know how to make him see and enforce the issue that he is also responsible for taking time to look after our son whilst I go to work, I’m not asking to go out partying, I want to work.
my job is so flexible and reasonable around child care, but equally I can’t expect them to let me only work term times.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/05/2023 13:47

geekone · 27/05/2023 12:17

Divorce husband and use holiday club.

This is it really.

It takes some distorted logic to decide that his work is hard and he needs breaks but your work is a treat for you so you need none!

Goldbar · 27/05/2023 13:47

Do you have access to joint money?

Why did he expect you to increase your hours if you already pay for 50% of everything? What happens to the extra money you earn from the second job?

This is beginning to sound a little bit like financial abuse territory if he's controlling your access to money and refusing to do his share of the childcare to facilitate you working.

It's also beginning to sound like you might be better off financially if you leave him, take your share of the marital assets and claim CM.

He doesn't sound like a pleasant man to live with.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/05/2023 13:47

Also he should be paying equally for childcare so you can both work - is your money not joint?

NerrSnerr · 27/05/2023 13:49

Why are you happy to pay childcare for your joint child? Is this really the life you want?

Maggie178 · 27/05/2023 13:49

Another man who thinks childcare is the woman's job.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 27/05/2023 13:50

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:44

The thing is I’m happy to pay for the child care, I’ve not asked him to contribute towards costs, that is not my issue.
I was working 2 x 11.5 hour shifts and my new job is 20 hours but they are flexible (although I don’t want to take the piss).
It’s not the money, it’s that I love my new job, I was at home during the day so it makes sense to bring in some extra money.
I do sort out all of the child care, my eldest daughter (18) helps a lot if she’s able and not working, but it’s not down to her, she isn’t a parent.
I don’t care about paying for child care, it’s great for my mental health to be out of the house when my son is at school anyway and he loves after school club as he gets extra play time with his friends.
I just don’t know how to make him see and enforce the issue that he is also responsible for taking time to look after our son whilst I go to work, I’m not asking to go out partying, I want to work.
my job is so flexible and reasonable around child care, but equally I can’t expect them to let me only work term times.

The problem is by paying for 100% of childcare and doing the vast majority of the parenting he is now used to parenting and childcare being your problem, and he doesn't see why he should have to do any of it.

I'm not blaming you by the way, a good father and partner wouldnt have let this situation even happen.

But whilst you dont see the not paying for childcare as an issue it is part of the wider issue.

Hayliebells · 27/05/2023 13:50

You threaten to leave unless he steps up, there isn't really anything else you can do. Although why you want to stay with a man with this attitude to you is baffling. And you should mind that you're paying all the childcare. Yes you should be able to work, it shouldn't be a choice between paying all the childcare costs or not working, which is how you seem to be framing it. That's the wrong way to think about it, you should both be able to work, and childcare is a shared expense. Are you sure he's not trying to jeopardize your earning potential, to keep you dependent on him? That's what financial abusers do, and what you describe sounds like it could be financial abuse. Presumably he has more spare cash than you, as he earns more but still pays only half of all bills, and he doesn't pay for any childcare. What's he doing with that mkney

Nevermind31 · 27/05/2023 13:50

I worked less to enable you to get ahead in your career - was that fair on me? No. Now it is your turn to pull your weight equally, it’s not fair that everything is down to me

Clarinet1 · 27/05/2023 13:50

Didn’t his mother teach him that DTD could lead to responsibility?

Thesharkradar · 27/05/2023 13:50

I just don’t know how to make him see and enforce the issue that he is also responsible for taking time to look after our son whilst I go to work, I’m not asking to go out partying, I want to work
There is no way to make him see.
Your idea of what is fair and right does not align with his idea of what is fair and right
You think that things should be fair- 50/50, in your mind that's what is right.
What feels right to him is that everything works to his advantage he gets the benefits and you get all the costs, he thinks that's fair because he thinks he's more important and worth more than you are, that's his mindset it will not change, he's only happy to be in a relationship if all the benefits are flowing in his direction.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 13:51

Why are you happy to pay for 💯 of childcare for your joint child? Why?

I think these unanimous responses have possibly come as a surprise to you. Have a think about what has happened in your life that makes you believe you should contribute more than half of the finances, and all of the childcare to a child who has two parents. It's very strange that you are so passive.