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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 27/05/2023 15:31

missingthewinchesterboys · 27/05/2023 12:20

Yeah I'd tell him that if he doesn't adjust his attitude, man up and take his turn looking after the kids, he'll have no choice but to use his holiday for childcare when you divorce and give him 50/50 custody

A bloke who doesn't do childcare within a marriage is very unlikely to be keen to do more once he's divorced and single.
She might "give" him 50/50 but doesn't mean he'll take it

Istolethecookies · 27/05/2023 15:34

You pay more than 50% of the costs though. because you pay for all the childcare. Even still, I work part-time and my partner full-time, but we both equally use our annual leave to take care of the kids during school holidays. We also don’t split bills 50/50, we split it proportionally based on our different incomes. Your DH is being very unreasonable!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 15:37

Op - you keep falling back to 'but should I do more because he earns more?' But...neither you, nor your son, see any of that do you?!? You have told us you pay MORE than half of all the joint bills, so what difference does it make that he EARNS more?!? He's not sharing it!

alargeoneforme · 27/05/2023 15:44

Sorry OP, agree with PP. You can't make him be fair about this because he just doesn't want to be. It's not that he doesn't see it, he sees it and he likes it this way. The reason people keep bringing up the money, and how you earn less but pay for more, even though you think it's not part of the discussion, is because it's a very clear sign of how little respect he has for you and how selfish he is. Do you think he hasn't done the sums on it? And in the same way, do you think he hasn't worked out how lucky he is not to have to worry about childcare - he doesn't want his cosy little set-up to be disrupted, thanks very much.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 27/05/2023 15:47

I am extremely sorry you find yourself in this position OP! I have read your first update (sorry if I’ve missed anything since) about you losing your mum etc I’m so sorry to hear this! He should be helping you and supporting you by helping look after the child he has created also! I find this absolutely disgusting…

he shouldn’t of been at you to work more! You was already doing enough especially if he has the attitude of “I won’t use my holidays it’s not fair”

I’ve been in your position with my ex I was the one paying for all the childcare for our son, when he was picking up from nursery he wasn’t paying, I’d pick up the next time and be lumbered with a bill for the end of the week! Stupidly I paid it all and it then made my position of going to work pointless because I was the one paying everything, turns out he was saving massive amounts in his bank account paying for nothing, I had been paying for the bills, childcare his excuse was he paid for “food” which was barely anything considering there was only 3 of us! Even then id be topping it up!

your husband sounds like a cock and your deserve better, after not long losing your mum who was clearly a massive support network for you he should be fairer and not so pushy about the second job he should be alot More understanding!!

I would honestly have a chat with him and tell him how serious this is, he either man’s up and accepts this is his child aswell and needs to book holidays off to help cover, if you feel this second job is too much strain please be honest and tell him you don’t feel like you can do it all! Potentially you could make cutbacks instead or he has the option of a divorce and as others have said he will then need to book time off in order to see his child and he’ll also have the duty to pay you maintenance 😊! Don’t beat around the bush with him, three options there and his answer will speak volumes to you.

just to add well done and your doing incredibly well! ❤️

HermioneKipper · 27/05/2023 15:58

What an arsehole. Divorce him and see how he likes shared custody.

These men are useless.

He sounds financially abusive as well

Stillcountingbeans · 27/05/2023 16:03

I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off

You are wanting the impossible.
He will never, ever, ever see that he is an equal parent, because he thinks the child-stuff is 'women's work' and solely your responsibility. As if having a baby was an expensive hobby you chose that only you should pay for.

You will never change him. Put up with him or divorce him.

And btw, you pay 50% of all bills, and 100% of childcare, despite earning less than him, so he is able save money and put it away somewhere, and he wanted you to earn more but is not willing to make any changes to his life - you ARE being financially abused.

Morred · 27/05/2023 16:05

You need to explain to him that you can either split “breadwinning” and “childcare” so one person does one and one person does the other, or you can share them so you each do some of each. Anything other than that is completely unfair. And make sure that “breadwinning” includes paying into pensions for both partners, etc.

You probably won’t persuade him. He clearly doesn’t like you or his son so I’d get rid.

WimbyAce · 27/05/2023 16:06

He sounds awful and I'm not sure you will get him to change his mindset. As an example of what a decent father is, my partner just decided to take Tuesday off so he could take eldest to cinema. We have childcare in place for half term so he doesn't need to, he is doing it because he wants to spend time with his children.

Zanatdy · 27/05/2023 16:14

I’d ask him why childcare falls to you? Sorry but that’s what parents do, use their childcare to care for children. What does he think you use yours for? No way could I be with someone like that

Hairpinleg · 27/05/2023 16:16

Is there a reason you pay 100% of the childcare? Was it your idea to have a child and he's pretending that makes it your responsibility to organise and pay for childcare? I can't see why else he would claim a joint child is not a shared job.

SpringGreensPreens · 27/05/2023 16:21

You’re definitely not being unreasonable but I’ve no idea how you get him to see this as he sounds like a dickhead

raincamepouringdown · 27/05/2023 16:22

You're in a financially abusive relationship.

You are earning LESS money and paying MORE THAN HALF of everything because childcare is coming out of your salary, as well as half of the bills.

Shocking treatment.

You need to get a shit hot divorce lawyer and tell him to get to fuck with his selfish attitude.

Lefteyetwitch · 27/05/2023 16:22

missingthewinchesterboys · 27/05/2023 12:20

Yeah I'd tell him that if he doesn't adjust his attitude, man up and take his turn looking after the kids, he'll have no choice but to use his holiday for childcare when you divorce and give him 50/50 custody

But he won't will he? Because nobody can make him.
He'll just get 100% of his annual leave to himself.

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 16:22

Sorry op but it is about money. Your whole issue is money.

I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.

you should not be paying 50% of bills when you earn less. But youre not paying 50%, youre paying more of the bills as all childcare bills are paid by you. You are earning less yet responsible for more bills. And he wants you to work more, but wont facilitate it in any way.

he sounds like a bully. He exists to make you feel that nothing you do is enough.

you need to have a meeting with him with the facts. These are all bills, you spend more. Here is the childcare commitment. You're 100%. What is he going to do about it?

what responsibilities in the running if the home are his?

StormShadow · 27/05/2023 16:25

Can't bear men who want to have their cake and eat it wrt money and childcare.

FreeWee · 27/05/2023 16:33

PaigeMatthews · 27/05/2023 16:22

Sorry op but it is about money. Your whole issue is money.

I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.

you should not be paying 50% of bills when you earn less. But youre not paying 50%, youre paying more of the bills as all childcare bills are paid by you. You are earning less yet responsible for more bills. And he wants you to work more, but wont facilitate it in any way.

he sounds like a bully. He exists to make you feel that nothing you do is enough.

you need to have a meeting with him with the facts. These are all bills, you spend more. Here is the childcare commitment. You're 100%. What is he going to do about it?

what responsibilities in the running if the home are his?

This is getting to the absolute heart of the matter OP.

BigChesterDraws · 27/05/2023 16:40

You say you had a discussion before accepting the other job offer. So what did you discuss about school holidays? This should all have been sorted before your first day at the new job so that you’re both clear on what’s what.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/05/2023 16:41

How on earth do people get themselves in this situation?

OP, sign your kid up for a holiday club and tell your DH that you will be paying for it out of the money you would normally put for bills. If he doesn’t like that he can take leave to cover.

I’m assuming you have agency to direct your pay where you want it to go. Make this his problem to solve.

NeedToChangeName · 27/05/2023 16:41

He doesn't respect your work

Unfortunately, I see this in many couples where the man has a "big job"

I doubt he'll change

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. It's a tough situation

Lavenderflower · 27/05/2023 16:46

It appears he a very little respect for you and your child. You may be better of divorced.

Rafferty10 · 27/05/2023 17:12

Op l strongly suspect you won't be able to make him see at all. Men like this are fundamentally selfish and entitled, where is the teamwork?
That is not marriage!

Is this good enough for you?

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 17:13

You pay 50% PLUS all childcare?
That'd be a hard no, include the childcare in the 50/50.

Hayliebells · 27/05/2023 17:22

Lefteyetwitch · 27/05/2023 16:22

But he won't will he? Because nobody can make him.
He'll just get 100% of his annual leave to himself.

Show quote history

The OP is still better off without him, even if he never looks after his child when they're divorced.

Tanith · 27/05/2023 17:26

Lefteyetwitch · 27/05/2023 16:22

But he won't will he? Because nobody can make him.
He'll just get 100% of his annual leave to himself.

Show quote history

He'll have to pay 100% maintenance, then.

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