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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 27/05/2023 14:19

You should care about paying the childcare. Leave him.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/05/2023 14:19

Your DH is a prick.

You should not be paying 50% of everything plus all child care and work full time and be responsible for everything else. You’ve enabled him to be like this.

Tell him you need to talk.

Point out that you going part time for child care enabled him to get to the high lofty position he considers himself in now.

Re: money, either

  1. share everything as most family units do, so that everyone benefits equally 2)how much more does he earn than you? Is it 70/30? Then he puts in 70% and you put in 30% or you put all you earnings into one pot and both take out an equal amount (for arguments sake say £200/month) for personal spends for hobbies/clothes/coffees etc

The share of funds, free time, holiday taking, sickness covering has to be equal and there should be equity. Currently you’re his servant who pays him for the privilege of having serving him.

If he won’t then the other options are for you to keep the term time only job or divorce, and he will have to step up more and pay more than he does currently.

In case you didn’t take it in the first time, your DH is a prick

MumLass · 27/05/2023 14:29

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:43

Yes we discussed it as he said I needed to work more hours. I work 2 long shifts which are 23.5 hours at one job and 20 at the second job which normally fits in around school times except obviously when it’s school holidays.
I work weekends and around school times as my mum used to help with child care but she passed away last year so I now have no back up.

He wanted you to work more hours, but he sees your second job as a treat and won’t help with the kids. Did you take a totally different job/hours than what you discussed with him?

DustyLee123 · 27/05/2023 14:31

I remember, when I went back to work, that DH said that he wouldn’t be ringing in sick to his (very important) job if I was working and the kids were ill. Knob.

DustyLee123 · 27/05/2023 14:33

And if you did leave him there’s no saying he’d do 50%, so assume you’re doing 100% and you won’t be disappointed.

squidgybits · 27/05/2023 14:45

What a selfish arrogant arse!

happysoul23 · 27/05/2023 14:53

This guy is an idiot. What happened to marriage being a partnership. There is no teamwork here.
You would
Be better getting rid of him

Jux · 27/05/2023 14:53

missingthewinchesterboys · 27/05/2023 12:20

Yeah I'd tell him that if he doesn't adjust his attitude, man up and take his turn looking after the kids, he'll have no choice but to use his holiday for childcare when you divorce and give him 50/50 custody

Definitely.
Then run anyway, those hills are not far away....

Hellno45 · 27/05/2023 14:59

geekone · 27/05/2023 12:17

Divorce husband and use holiday club.

This.

Jux · 27/05/2023 15:01

And who does the housework?

And who books the holidays? And does the gruntwork?

I bet I know the answer.

Feraldogmum · 27/05/2023 15:04

Sorry but what’s the point of him? This isn’t a marriage,he won’t share childcare or finances,demands you work yet you pay for the child care that enables you to ,meanwhile you pay half of everything whilst earning less.
This is not a partnership and you are being royally screwed on every front.
If you divorce him he will have to accept looking after your child or he wont get to see him,plus he will have to pay maintenance .
There’s no point staying together for financial reasons when you are financially disadvantaged by this marriage,I would put that to him and give him the option of shaping up or getting divorced.
Oh and you need a joint bank account ,you are his wife not an unpaid servant.

Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 15:06

MumLass · 27/05/2023 14:29

He wanted you to work more hours, but he sees your second job as a treat and won’t help with the kids. Did you take a totally different job/hours than what you discussed with him?

Show quote history

I work as a midwife for 23.5 hours and the second job which is 20 hours is totally fine during term time.
he seems to want me to work more but doesn’t want to help me to do this……it’s not even helping me, it’s helping us as a family to have a more comfortable life and be able to afford family days out and holidays.
I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.
I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off with him so it’s not always my responsibility. Or am I being unreasonable to expect this regardless of who earns more? he still gets paid holiday pay if he takes a day off so there is no loss of earnings.
we didn’t ever have a conversation about childcare before we had our son as I never even thought it would be an issue to both be a parent and meet our child’s needs equally.
I’m not asking him to provide child care so I can go out socially, I want to work and be a reliable employee rather than always have to be the one to call my work to say “I have no child care”

OP posts:
FreeWee · 27/05/2023 15:07

You definitely have a DH problem. Your son has 2 parents who should care for him equally. His son is not only your responsibility. Childcare costs should be shared as it's a shared child and it enables him to work as much as they enable you to work.

His holidays are for him to relax from his job. Your holidays are to care for your joint son. When do you get time to relax from your job then?

SnoringPains · 27/05/2023 15:11

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:54

One minute he’s telling me I need to work full time, so I got a second job and now I’m being selfish expecting him to take days of his holiday to help me.
the second job fits in well (term time) but child care is harder during holidays.
I love my new job and I don’t want to give it up as the team are lovely and it gets me out of the house.
I am paying all of the after school club fees so I don’t see how I can win in this situation?
I don’t want to come across that our son is a burden because obviously he’s not at all but I really don’t know why all of the child care falls on me to arrange? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your son isn’t a burden, your husband is though. He sounds like a twat and I would have no respect for him as a husband or father, remember your relationship is teaching your son how men treat women. I’d divorce him, take half the assets and child maintenance and have a nicer life.

Hellno45 · 27/05/2023 15:15

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 15:06

I work as a midwife for 23.5 hours and the second job which is 20 hours is totally fine during term time.
he seems to want me to work more but doesn’t want to help me to do this……it’s not even helping me, it’s helping us as a family to have a more comfortable life and be able to afford family days out and holidays.
I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.
I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off with him so it’s not always my responsibility. Or am I being unreasonable to expect this regardless of who earns more? he still gets paid holiday pay if he takes a day off so there is no loss of earnings.
we didn’t ever have a conversation about childcare before we had our son as I never even thought it would be an issue to both be a parent and meet our child’s needs equally.
I’m not asking him to provide child care so I can go out socially, I want to work and be a reliable employee rather than always have to be the one to call my work to say “I have no child care”

Show quote history

You don't pay half of everything. You pay half of everything plus 100% of the childcare bill. Your husband is acting like he doesn't have a child. He doesn't pay for the child or its costs. I bet you pay for uniforms, shoes , clothing etc. He is acting like the child isn't his responsibility. He is taking the piss financially, emotionally and physically. The distribution of labour is all off. I'd LTB at least you'd get child support and he'd have to parent during his contact time if he chooses to have contact.

BibbleandSqwauk · 27/05/2023 15:20

Have you say down with him, across a table with diagram of yours and his hours, the childcare needed and the income split? If you earn less but pay more of the family expenses (which youn do because you pay for the childcare) then I'd genuinely love to know on what basis it is "unfair" of you to ask him to do (not help, do) at least a portion of the childcare in holidays. Honestly, v simple, factual discussion and leave the silence for him to answer why, if he wants you to work more he thinks that it is fair for you to take all of the holiday hit. Is be suggesting that if he can't or won't cover half the holidays then he covers the holiday club fees for 3 weeks of the 6.

skyeisthelimit · 27/05/2023 15:21

When he told you that you needed to work more hours, then he should have discussed childcare and holidays at the same time. Also, you shouldn't be paying 50% of everything.

He must have a lot more disposable income than you, which could pay towards childcare!

You need to sit down with him and look at all finances and childcare costs, then pay into the pot in the ratio of who earns what.

This will only get worse not better.

Some men are selfish though. When XH first left and DD was only 4, I asked him to have DD during the holidays and he refused because he had to work.

The fact that I also had to work, and this was his shared child, and a shared responsibility did not come into the equation. His needs were greater than mine.

ChristmasFluff · 27/05/2023 15:21

OP you are ignoring the fact that you are married to an arse. I agree with everyone else - getting divorced is your best option, and you could probably do with getting some counselling to look into why you are so resistant to this.

And also why you are so needing to justify yourself to him. That reeks of him being controlling and you not seeing it.

Peachy2005 · 27/05/2023 15:23

So sorry about the loss of your mum OP.

I just find this whole thing mystifying. It doesn’t seem like a partnership at all! He earns more so should be contributing more percentage-wise. No matter how many times you repeat that you don’t mind paying for all the childcare and 50% of everything else, we’re going to keep replying that it’s not reasonable. Since you are accepting the complete inequity regarding your finances, why would you think he’s going to suddenly start to be fair and reasonable about the childcare issue?

Perhaps the second job was manageable without extra input from your DH when your mum was available to help out at times but that’s not the case anymore…he should at least be able to recognise that much.

The whole thing is baffling!

Goldbar · 27/05/2023 15:24

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 15:06

I work as a midwife for 23.5 hours and the second job which is 20 hours is totally fine during term time.
he seems to want me to work more but doesn’t want to help me to do this……it’s not even helping me, it’s helping us as a family to have a more comfortable life and be able to afford family days out and holidays.
I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.
I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off with him so it’s not always my responsibility. Or am I being unreasonable to expect this regardless of who earns more? he still gets paid holiday pay if he takes a day off so there is no loss of earnings.
we didn’t ever have a conversation about childcare before we had our son as I never even thought it would be an issue to both be a parent and meet our child’s needs equally.
I’m not asking him to provide child care so I can go out socially, I want to work and be a reliable employee rather than always have to be the one to call my work to say “I have no child care”

Show quote history

What you're asking is for him to be a reasonable human being.

He either is or he isn't, sorry.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/05/2023 15:26

@Annaliese2015 you are definitely not remotely in anyway being unreasonable and tbh it’s worrying that you think you might be and can’t see how utterly selfish and unreasonable your ‘D’ H is being

planningnightmare · 27/05/2023 15:29

@Annaliese2015 a pp sums it up perfectly:

You don't pay half of everything. You pay half of everything plus 100% of the childcare bill. Your husband is acting like he doesn't have a child. He doesn't pay for the child or its costs. I bet you pay for uniforms, shoes , clothing etc. He is acting like the child isn't his responsibility. He is taking the piss financially, emotionally and physically. The distribution of labour is all off. I'd LTB at least you'd get child support and he'd have to parent during his contact time if he chooses to have contact.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 15:30

'I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent'

As you've just written this, I think you haven't understood what everyone has been trying to tell you and why everyone is saying divorce.
There is no advice available in this situation.
Your husband has been brought up probably from day 1 as a misogynist. He is inherently selfish and financially abusive. He always will be.
You have been brought up to put everyone's needs before your own.
There is no advice that will change this.
Sorry op.

He obviously knows full well that he's taking advantage of you. And he can't care less

Thomasthe · 27/05/2023 15:30

So let me get this straight. You’ve to contribute half financially, but childcare is solely your responsibility? That’s not fair. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Is he this selfish in all aspects? I’d seriously consider divorce- you’re not a partnership. I dare say you being around all the time to care for your child has enabled him to earn a higher salary. What a walloper.