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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
Aishah231 · 29/05/2023 07:41

Your DH can't have it both ways. If he earns more and pays more then I can see his point if view - I don't agree with it but there's some logic there. Considering you pay more then what you earn is irrelevant. His extra earnings don't go to the family. He should be doing at least half the child care. The only solution is divorce or you go part time again but all money is pooled. I'd give him those options and consider that generous. Good luck OP.

littlemousebigcheese · 29/05/2023 07:42

Why are you with him? What does he bring to your life? Sometimes we get too comfortable being unhappy and need a push to get ourselves out of it.
He really sounds selfish. I don't understand marriages where things are so separate re.money but that's a choice you've made so whatever; the childcare always falling to you and you being default parent is not ok though. Why is your annual leave for your child but his is for himself? What does he do with his extra money?
It'll be tough initially but you need to leave

Itsanotherhreatday · 29/05/2023 07:44

I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.
I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent

Being an equal parent means paying half the cost. At the moment the child doesn’t cost him time or money - that’s not equal.

You need to list all the expenses - everything and half the grunt work.

So don’t ask - tell him you are responsible for sorting out half the summer holidays - sorting half the childcare with holidays and cost of those three weeks.

I would message him and say that’s the agreement and going forward you will not be responsible for all the childcare as he has parental responsibility - and ask him how he would sort childcare if you are to divorce?

AlinaRawlings · 29/05/2023 09:18

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 13:06

I pay half of the mortgage, half of the bills and arrange and pay for all of the child care costs for our son.
He earns more than me but I still pay half of everything.
Of course we discussed me getting another job, I got one to fit in around school times as my first job is 12.5 hour shifts so would impact more on child care. He said I needed to work more which I now am and really enjoy it but doesn’t think he should need to help with sharing child care if our son is on school holidays or sick, he expects me to automatically take time off and it’s not his issue.

I don’t want to victim blame but What the hell is wrong with women that we have allowed men to do this to us!! They now expect us to run the whole house, look after the kids AND contribute half despite earning less! Hun you have much more wrong in your marriage than this childcare issue! There is a huge imbalance that needs addressing ASAP! Put your god damn foot down, stop being weak and get this man told that he will be doing his fair share from now on! I genuinely can’t believe you’re allowing this!

PaigeMatthews · 29/05/2023 10:22

AlinaRawlings · 29/05/2023 09:18

I don’t want to victim blame but What the hell is wrong with women that we have allowed men to do this to us!! They now expect us to run the whole house, look after the kids AND contribute half despite earning less! Hun you have much more wrong in your marriage than this childcare issue! There is a huge imbalance that needs addressing ASAP! Put your god damn foot down, stop being weak and get this man told that he will be doing his fair share from now on! I genuinely can’t believe you’re allowing this!

Show quote history

And how does you insisting op did this, rather than her dh, help or improve your point?

she didnt allow it to happen to her. It was done to her. By a shit selfish man.

Macinae · 29/05/2023 10:50

This post has made me so mad. Sorry OP but you're married to a misogynistic A hole who will never change. Divorce and go through the courts to split childcare. He may then be a parent to his child (only because he has to).

Airspice · 29/05/2023 10:51

No no no no no!! His kid/s, he does his fair share! Why should it all be down to you?! Posts like this make me glad I’m a single Mum to my two and ‘Dad’ hasn’t bothered with them for 12 years!!

Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 12:12

Oh he does his fair share with his girls from his previous marriage, just nothing Witt our son.
his spare money seems to have gone on concert tickets and a night away (for himself) in a hotel with his girls. Not even one text or phone call to check on our son or me (it’s the 1 year anniversary of my mums passing today).
I think I need to wake up because I am treated like a mug here 😡

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 29/05/2023 12:19

Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 12:12

Oh he does his fair share with his girls from his previous marriage, just nothing Witt our son.
his spare money seems to have gone on concert tickets and a night away (for himself) in a hotel with his girls. Not even one text or phone call to check on our son or me (it’s the 1 year anniversary of my mums passing today).
I think I need to wake up because I am treated like a mug here 😡

He has his girls 50/50 and does school runs half the time and books and takes them to classes and appointments? He is an equal and equally responsibly parent for his children an equal amount of time to their mother?

as that sounds very unlikely to be the same man you have describe here.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 29/05/2023 12:25

I agree with @PaigeMatthews . How can he be doing half of everything with his older daughters but nothing with his younger child ? That makes no sense.

You don’t even mention in your other posts that his kids live with you half the time! Didn’t you think that was relevant ??

Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 12:53

they don’t live with us, he has 2 21 year olds, a 17 year old and a 13 year old. We have them every other weekend (well the 13 year old, the others are at uni and cone as and when) and no he doesn’t do 50/50 with their mum, he pays maintenance but always makes sure he gives extra money if their mum needs it. just not for our son, he is treated completely differently from his girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 12:55

No he doesn’t he pays for them and makes sure they have treats and days out when they come, just doesn’t bother with OUR son

OP posts:
CantFindMyMarbles · 29/05/2023 13:26

All of his leave? No.
some of his leave? Absolutely. Basic parenting there.

Original poster
Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 13:40

They don’t

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 13:59

Sounds like he’d make more effort if you split up!
did he want another child? Sounds like he didn’t really want a 5th?? Or maybe prefers them older when he can do things he likes, like concerts rather than ball parks?

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 14:26

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 15:06

I work as a midwife for 23.5 hours and the second job which is 20 hours is totally fine during term time.
he seems to want me to work more but doesn’t want to help me to do this……it’s not even helping me, it’s helping us as a family to have a more comfortable life and be able to afford family days out and holidays.
I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.
I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off with him so it’s not always my responsibility. Or am I being unreasonable to expect this regardless of who earns more? he still gets paid holiday pay if he takes a day off so there is no loss of earnings.
we didn’t ever have a conversation about childcare before we had our son as I never even thought it would be an issue to both be a parent and meet our child’s needs equally.
I’m not asking him to provide child care so I can go out socially, I want to work and be a reliable employee rather than always have to be the one to call my work to say “I have no child care”

Show quote history

If he doesn't do equal or proportionate money he won't do equal childcare.

Why doesn't your total inequality bother you?

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 14:28

So @Annaliese2015 you're working two jobs to facilitate his and his DC lifestyles?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 14:47

T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 13:59

Sounds like he’d make more effort if you split up!
did he want another child? Sounds like he didn’t really want a 5th?? Or maybe prefers them older when he can do things he likes, like concerts rather than ball parks?

This is actually something to consider.

I know it doesn't happen often on mumsnet, but my exhusband has stepped up as a father now that we're divorced. He used to leave everything to me 24-7, now he totally focusses on them on his 2 days a week.

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 14:56

Your poor child.

Having a loser inflicted on him as a father.

You need to wake up and dump this arsehole.

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 14:57

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 14:28

So @Annaliese2015 you're working two jobs to facilitate his and his DC lifestyles?

Isn't she just.

What a mug, god help her.

How long has she been doing this🙄

BreaktheCycle · 29/05/2023 15:02

Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 12:12

Oh he does his fair share with his girls from his previous marriage, just nothing Witt our son.
his spare money seems to have gone on concert tickets and a night away (for himself) in a hotel with his girls. Not even one text or phone call to check on our son or me (it’s the 1 year anniversary of my mums passing today).
I think I need to wake up because I am treated like a mug here 😡

Oh, there’s more!

Again, divorce him and be done.

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2023 16:11

honestly op just leave-he shows no interest in either of you

let him pay maintenance instead

Itsanotherhreatday · 29/05/2023 16:44

Well is he paid half the childcare costs, you could add additional days to that for a bit of freedom or when you need extra in the holidays - so yes it does matter - and the money he saves he’s spending on his other kids? Seriously something needs to change.

HollaHolla · 29/05/2023 17:21

Oh, I think you need shot of him. I'm not a LTB type, but he sounds totally disconnected anyway. At least if you were apart, you'd get maintenance/court backed time where he takes his own son.
What a dick

3BSHKATS · 29/05/2023 18:13

Annaliese2015 · 29/05/2023 12:12

Oh he does his fair share with his girls from his previous marriage, just nothing Witt our son.
his spare money seems to have gone on concert tickets and a night away (for himself) in a hotel with his girls. Not even one text or phone call to check on our son or me (it’s the 1 year anniversary of my mums passing today).
I think I need to wake up because I am treated like a mug here 😡

Did he actually eant another child or did he have one to keep you happy ? I think you have to be quite honest with yourself about that.

I'm convinced most men aren't fussed either way about having children hence they are considered your problem when it comes to funding and taking care of them. All this nonsense about you've enabled him to earn more is nonsense. He's looked after himself and was always going to with or without children.